Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now! I hope you’re alive and well! I hope you’re doing your best! I hope you’re donating to mutual aid funds when you’re able! I hope you know I love you!

every morning i wake up with the legs of a brand new baby deer instead of the human legs i went to sleep with

being enthusiastic about a band’s newest thing is fine and being enthusiastic about a band’s oldest thing is fine, but the stuff in the middle is sketchier. being enthusiastic about a ban’s 2nd newest thing? EMBARRASSING

might fuck around and be completely demoralized by attempting human communication

someday i’m gonna end up fuck-all punch drunk in the middle of the night and i’m gonna order some GOd FORSAKED $300 knit weighted blanket and a $90 candle and a commercial food service amount of kellogg granola and raisins and some sort of $20 soft bag to carry a book in my purse wothout sullying it bc the tabs are just hanging out open in safari and i am weak-willed and easily confused

someone told my sister i was QUOTE A HOOT UNQUOTE

i was once bullied into promising not to tell stories that ended with me crying anymore by two men, which was partly afffectation and partly just like, who i am as a person, but you know what… fuck that. cry at the end of every story!! create your own mythos!! fuck off, boys!!!!

marriage, to me, is scream-laughing while you and your partner fight to lick each other’s faces as a form of hilarious torture and also conflict resolution

i really like that the internet started naming things by just removing the letter e, that was a good innovation tbh

my ok go playlist ended without me noticing today because spotify autoplays similar stuff but then suddenly, like the sudden realization that someone is in your house, i was like… BEN GGGGGIBBARD??????

u ever wish u could just drop dead at the exact second u think about it? it would solve SO many problems and create so many new ones!

I’m still out here using Twitter at incomprehensible intervals — @ashrocketship — so you know… Don’t miss out on that either.

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

my anxiety is so bad that every time some white person gets called out for some racist shit i end up aggressively interrogating myself like, am i SURE i didn’t do blackface and somehow forget? did i make a confederate flag cake even tho i don’t know anyone who moved to the south nor have i ever voluntarily baked?

ooooh daddy likes to be horizontal

why is writing actually writing one sentence and then doing fucking ANYTHING else for an hour before maybe writing another sentence and then saying you’re done for the night

one time i got to watch a squirrel going fuckin HAM on a small pumpkin on someone’s porch amongst a littering of fall
leaves and it was AMAZING

today i learned that in greek myth centaurs were just like… wild horses with human torsos and this is… upsetting… just feral horse bodies with human faces, just wild, furious REGULAR HORSES, stomping their violent horse hooves, and gnashing their horrifying human teeth

god bless our puritanical american society if only because i don’t have to put headache medicine up my own asshole

as a burgeoning baby gay linda hamilton in t2 was extremely formative and important and now, as a 35yo well-established gay, linda hamilton in terminator: whateverthefuck 2019 could keep me as a fucking pet

i did a five minute sofa monologue about eating ass today and at the end my wife looked at me and said, “you should try that one out at work”

until like, a week ago, i thought the “wouldst thou like to live deliciously” thing was like… a joke meme about taco bell? like, maybe somehow related to dave navarro’s live mas thing that everyone lost their mind about for a while… i don’t understand the connections in my brain. like, i had seen someone GET IT TATTOOED and was just like, wow commitment

i could have been born anything but at least i wasn’t born a foot guy

I’m still out here using Twitter at incomprehensible intervals — @ashrocketship — so you know… Don’t miss out on that either.

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

personally i think instead of overtime & shootouts, every tied hockey game should end with a goalie fight

while trying to formulate the correct explanation for why i don’t like shamrock shakes today, my brain served up “too much same taste”

i’m always sad that i don’t live in los angeles anymore but never more than when i think of all of the advantages there for my DOG

remembs when u were young and you’d be like, hey can i get a drink? and then you’d like, create a drink tunnel with your hand to drink from your friend’s bottle or tip your head back and pour it recklessly into your mouth from like six inches above your head? good times

‘adult men squeeze iv bagged pudding into each other’s mouths’ is absolutely the HEIGHT of what i’m looking for in a youtube video

we just repaired the lights in the bathroom at work that have not worked for the five years i have worked here and oh man, if it was easy to stare into the mirror and dissociate/depersonalized in that room before… i ain’t seen NOTHIN, sister

the way slaking shows up to battle,,, the sheer audacity,,, the powerful queer energy,,, needs a martini and some sort of quip about liza minelli

the one constant in my life since probably birth is waking up with some abe vigoda-ass looking eyebrows

one of the coolest and smartest and most helpful things you can do in A LOT of situations is to just shut the hell up

not to be too white but some mornings the toothpaste is just too spicy

I do still use Twitter in the year of our lord 2020, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.