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untweeted

I drastically reduced the amount of time I spend on Twitter back in… March, I think? Because I was feeling really agitated about increasingly meaningless things and that seemed like it just, was not good for my mental health. And while I have missed it (Most of my internet relationships are on Twitter! And I do actually like people!) the thing I have missed the most is actually just barfing every single one of my asinine thoughts into the void whenever I have them. I started throwing them into a Notes file on my phone because, well, I have a big ego and I think every thought I have has value, so I might as well hang on to them, right?

Here are ten things I hung on to, untweeted!

as i was listening to slipknot for the third day in a row today i finally understood why people use spotify private sessions

my phone just locked me out for screen downtime and i was about to extend and then nodded sagely and said, “no you’re right” out loud to it

the best part of healing a tattoo is that while you are itchy and suffering you can point your tattoo at people you love and yell, “YOU WANT SOME SKINNN!??”

i’ve stayed in some nice hotels in my day, but i’ve never stayed in a hotel nice enough to have good toilet paper

i have exactly one (1) skill and it is finding buzz lightyear vinylmation figurines in still-sealed blind boxes at disneyland. i have done it for myself. i have done it for friends. i have done it for strangers. i would do it for you, if vinylmation was still a thing.

I MISS ROCK N JOCK!!!!!!!!

the absolute power i feel when someone who follows me on goodreads adds a book i’ve recently reviewed to their ‘want to read’ shelf,,, absolutely despotic

look i get that bands want to make “””””NICE”””””” vinyl and stuff but like, can u stop… making double albums!!!! when they are not necessitated by length???? like…. FIDELITY sure, but can u not,,, make me get up FOUR TIMES to listen too your ART??!

i have extreme dad energy in that i am always needing lights on because i can’t fuckin see for shit but also am always saying, ‘do we NEED every light in this house on?!”

so many tattoo artists i follow own naked cats and like,,, you can’t tattoo an animal, buddy

I do still occasionally use Twitter, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world, you know?

intrusive religiosity

For about a year in the late 2000s, I became intensely devoted to crossing myself whenever I passed a cross.


 
This started with a steeple cross that was visible to me from the freeway on the drive home from my college. I often sat in a little clutch of traffic near it and it was lit at night, so I noticed it frequently, hovering over the wall that separated the speeding 210 from the neighborhood beyond.
 
I’m not religious. I’ve been to church less than a dozen times in my entire life. I’m unbaptized, un-saved, uncircumsised. I’ve been to Catholic mass once and I spent the entire thing staring at how super naked Jesus seemed on the cross, hanging morbidly above the Filipino priest’s head. I’m religiously curious, so I know a lot about rites and rituals. Plus I’m a writer and I like characters of faith, so I’ve done a lot of research over the years. I’m an atheist though. No waffling here: I don’t believe in god and I have no interest in church.
 
But this cross, it haunted me. I could feel the pull of compulsion each time I passed it, the little tug at me, like there was something my body, my hindbrain NEEDED to do, but I wasn’t getting the message. It probably took a month of this drive, two or three times a week, for me to figure out what it was. My right arm wanted to make the sign of the cross.
 
This is 1. hysterical because with all that lack of religious upbringing, I had no idea how to accurately make the sign of the cross, and 2. disturbing, because it was a compulsion with an intensity I had not yet experienced. I’ve had intensely intrusive thoughts my entire life (flashes of sudden injury, the desire to drive into oncoming traffic, having to back up from a rail because I wanted to jump – all the regulars!) but this was not that. And it wasn’t like the compulsive need to touch and smell things that I inherited from my mother. (Thanks, Mom!) It wasn’t going all the way back to my apartment or dorm door to make sure I locked it. Twice. I knew there were consequences if I left my front door unlocked. I didn’t have any identifiable fear or consequence of NOT crossing myself, I just realized that I had to do it and I had to do it real, real bad.
 
So I did.
 
It became a thing. I drove by this steeple, I crossed myself. Probably incorrectly, but it got the job done. I felt compelled first in my upper arm, then my elbow, then my fingers as I neared the cross. I’d cross myself and I’d feel the minor flood of elation at having satisfied the compulsion. I only crossed myself when I was traveling on the westbound side of the freeway because, I don’t know, these things just happen and the universe in which I live has all kinds of rules I just obey because that’s how it is. I also always did it with my fore and middle fingers extended, which had no reasoning either. It just felt right.
 
It was weird, but it wasn’t dangerous and it was only once a day, twice a week!
 
But then it started happening when I was eastbound as well.
 
And then it started happening any time I passed a large cross. Then any time I passed a church. Then any cross. Then cemeteries.
 
I was living in a Los Angeles suburb and commuting into the Inland Empire. I spent a lot of time in the car and I saw a lot of crosses and churches and cemeteries.
 
I knew it had become a problem when I had to come up with a way to cross myself SECRETLY.

I had started crossing myself so frequently (There are more than 40 churches just in the town of 40,000 where I lived.) that doing it with other people had become unavoidable.

I have been an outspoken atheist since I was thirteen years old, I couldn’t let my friends and family think I had suddenly become weirdly and confusingly Catholic. Also, I still – despite having access to the entire internet at my fingertips – had no idea if I was crossing myself correctly and being seen doing it incorrectly would have been HUMILIATING, obviously. I think I didn’t look it up because the compulsion didn’t want me to. My crossing was organic and it wanted to stay that way.
 
I had learned in like, the third grade, that crossing your fingers for luck came from persecuted Christians giving each other the what’s up, so I tried that. I didn’t like it. First of all, it’s not really an action, it’s an adjustment. Second of all, it didn’t satisfy my elbow or my shoulder. My fingers were okay-ish with the deal, but the rest of my right arm was Not Having It.
 
So I started drawing a cross on my thigh. It allowed for the motion of my entire arm, it seemed semi-holy, and it was pretty easy to do inconspicuously. And I did it A Lot.

The best way to end this story would be to tell you that someone busted me and I had an embarrassing breakdown about how I was an adult woman who couldn’t control my own weird, compulsive, faux-religiosity. Or maybe that the compulsion started to make me feel too out of control and so I forced myself to break it. But, sadly, this story just ends the way most idiot problems I have do: it just went away on its own.

adulthood is a menace

I am TERRIBLE at making time for the things I want to do and, to be fair, am only marginally better at both making the time and expending the energy to do the things I have to do, but I am very tired of myself for not making time to blog which is something I desperately want to do.

How do you make time for all the things you have to do and all the things you need to do and all the things you want to do? I have the same number of hours in a day as Beyonce and Lin-Manuel Miranda, but they don’t really have to sit in an office for 8-11 hours every day doing things that have no relation to what they want to be doing. You have the same number of hours in a day, but the allocation of those hours is incomparable.

My point, though, is not to whine because I got mad at a motivational image on Facebook (I actually didn’t even recently see it, I just got mad after the fact while writing this post. The human mind is a Thing.) – my point was to show up here and write something down for the sake of having done it and because I like doing it. I am thirty-one and can no longer make super meaningful promises about how I want to spend my time because my time is largely not my own. I am married. I have a full-time job. I am trying to buy a house. I have living creatures to take care of and keep alive, including myself.

Adulthood is a menace.

At least my dog is cute.

here she comes

I’ve been a bad blogger this year and I do apologize for not being around and oversharing about every minute of my life with you, especially after I set such lofty goals at the start of the year! I mean, to be fair, I regularly overshare on Twitter, so I am still around, I just haven’t made the effort to be present here which is insane because I love my blog, duh.

I would be more apologetic if I’d been gone for bad or depressing reasons, but mostly I was gone because I was working a whole bunch of hours at a job that I only occasionally hate and planning a wedding that turned out so much better than I could have possibly expected. Those are honestly pretty good reasons to let my internet home languish a bit.

2016 might be better! Let’s find out together!


HEY, GURL, HEEEEEEEEEEY

In the meantime, it’s almost time to talk about stuff I really loved this year. I know, I know, I hardcore dropped the ball on my monthly favorites, but! I still bought/read/watched/listened to enough stuff to have some favorites to throw your way.

To ease both the number of posts I need to write and you have to read, I reduced my categories earlier this year as I was prepping to write a catch-up faves post (first in like… June, then August, then November…) so now we’re down to: Reading, Listening, Watching, and Stuff & Things.

I can’t guarantee a TOTALLY TOP FIVE in all of those categories, mostly because I was atrocious about seeking out new media this year, but I also bought a ton of make-up and skincare that I feel desperate to talk about, so I’m just letting it all ~flow.

And, of course, there’ll be a giveaway at the end! A good one! Because it’s the holidays! And I’m financially stable for the first time in my life!

This is not a post with any actual content! Just a warning that I will likely be more present and you should gird your loins. And that I turn 31 next year so as I attempt to be more present, I’ll probably start talking about, like, orthopedic shoes and other things that old people like. I’m pretty amped about it, to be honest!

To add to the no content of this post, here are other places on the internet where you can follow me where I have varying degrees of activity: Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat: ashrocketship. I sort of understand snapchat! I’m obsessed with watching people’s stories! Let me watch yours!

movie monday: the avengers

Let’s talk about how I’m a crazy, excellent, obsessed fan of stuff, yeah?! And it will also serve as a LONG OVERDUE Movie Monday!

Obviously this is going to be about The Avengers because, duh, are there even any other movies IN theaters right now? SPOILERS! Probably! Because I’ve seen it four times! And I can recite a lot of it! And HAVEN’T YOU SEEN IT BY NOW?!

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