in recent years

202020192018
2017201620152014
2013201220112010

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now! I hope you’re alive and well! I hope you’re doing your best! I hope you’re donating to mutual aid funds when you’re able! I hope you know I love you!

very large man exited his very large truck at the gas station today and left it running, windows down, absolutely BLASTING the village people’s “in the navy”

someone’s always wearing socks in amateur gay porn and that’s got to stop

remembs how in like middle school slash high school girls would always be carrying lotion and then putting it on their hands in class and then sometimes they’d be like, hey i got too much you want and like, rub your hands with their lotiony hands? is that why i’m gay?

“we were out of bread, so i just made some earlier today” is not a sentence that is ever going to leave my mouth EVER

tattoo artists telling me i sit like a rock is the most accomplished i ever feel

i’ve been blocking brands every time i see a promoted tweet for literally years (and yet SOMEHOW there are always more brands???) but i’ve also been tricked by brands so sometimes as i do it i’m like BUT WHAT IF SOMEDAY I MISS SOMETHING IMPORTANT like a brand is going to bring me some life-changing info or something

“i don’t want to be weird, but” is the biggest god damn lie of my LIFE

u bet yr sweet ASS i watched a 30 minute video detailing 63 methods of cooking a potato

i’m eating pineapple with tajin for dinner and it tastes like my childhood, getting bullied into eating shit that was way too spicy for my dumb white ass!!!!! but who’s handling it fine now huh????!!!! bullying works!!!!!

anybody who identifies themselves as a “go-getter” is an absolute nightmare

I’m still out here using Twitter at incomprehensible intervals — @ashrocketship — so you know… Don’t miss out on that either.

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now! I hope you’re alive and well! I hope you’re doing your best! I hope you’re donating to mutual aid funds when you’re able! I hope you know I love you!

every morning i wake up with the legs of a brand new baby deer instead of the human legs i went to sleep with

being enthusiastic about a band’s newest thing is fine and being enthusiastic about a band’s oldest thing is fine, but the stuff in the middle is sketchier. being enthusiastic about a band’s 2nd newest thing? EMBARRASSING

might fuck around and be completely demoralized by attempting human communication

someday i’m gonna end up fuck-all punch drunk in the middle of the night and i’m gonna order some GOd FORSAKED $300 knit weighted blanket and a $90 candle and a commercial food service amount of kellogg granola and raisins and some sort of $20 soft bag to carry a book in my purse wothout sullying it bc the tabs are just hanging out open in safari and i am weak-willed and easily confused

someone told my sister i was QUOTE A HOOT UNQUOTE

i was once bullied into promising not to tell stories that ended with me crying anymore by two men, which was partly afffectation and partly just like, who i am as a person, but you know what… fuck that. cry at the end of every story!! create your own mythos!! fuck off, boys!!!!

marriage, to me, is scream-laughing while you and your partner fight to lick each other’s faces as a form of hilarious torture and also conflict resolution

i really like that the internet started naming things by just removing the letter e, that was a good innovation tbh

my ok go playlist ended without me noticing today because spotify autoplays similar stuff but then suddenly, like the sudden realization that someone is in your house, i was like… BEN GGGGGIBBARD??????

u ever wish u could just drop dead at the exact second u think about it? it would solve SO many problems and create so many new ones!

I’m still out here using Twitter at incomprehensible intervals — @ashrocketship — so you know… Don’t miss out on that either.

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

u ever get stuck staring at a banana for a while like WHO designed this motherfucker?????

i think i’m a smart educated reasonable person and then i read 12 pages of a book and fall in love with a fictional character because they’re dumb as a fucking rock

imagine having to go through life as a grown-ass man with the name TIMOTHY

i am almost never surprised by how awful white people can be, but i am somehow frequently surprised by how ANNOYING we are. like, jesus. no one on earth knows how to run an already stupid joke into the ground like a fuckin white person.

if u have me blocked know that u are my enemy, but also,,, i respect u immensely bc u right.

the dumbest thing i get mad about is when i see a great username on a social media platform and then see it’s taken by a public figure. awful. u don’t need or deserve that!!!!!!!! u have money wealth fame and power!!!!!!! gimme ur funny twitter handle!!!!!!!

i saw cabaret at too formative an age and those curved cane back chairs make me pavlovianly horny!!!!

of all the things i’ve learned in my time on the internet, “mcdonald’s coffee burn lady wasn’t an idiot” and “baby on board placards are for first responders” are the two i get fuckin WILD AND OUT about the most

one time a guy told me we couldn’t be friends because he was applying for the fbi and i wouldn’t pass background clearance when they went digging and i still don’t know if it was an elaborate brush-off or the truth, but i’m proud either way

people without anxiety just lack imagination

I’m still out here using Twitter at incomprehensible intervals — @ashrocketship — so you know… Don’t miss out on that either.

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

my anxiety is so bad that every time some white person gets called out for some racist shit i end up aggressively interrogating myself like, am i SURE i didn’t do blackface and somehow forget? did i make a confederate flag cake even tho i don’t know anyone who moved to the south nor have i ever voluntarily baked?

ooooh daddy likes to be horizontal

why is writing actually writing one sentence and then doing fucking ANYTHING else for an hour before maybe writing another sentence and then saying you’re done for the night

one time i got to watch a squirrel going fuckin HAM on a small pumpkin on someone’s porch amongst a littering of fall
leaves and it was AMAZING

today i learned that in greek myth centaurs were just like… wild horses with human torsos and this is… upsetting… just feral horse bodies with human faces, just wild, furious REGULAR HORSES, stomping their violent horse hooves, and gnashing their horrifying human teeth

god bless our puritanical american society if only because i don’t have to put headache medicine up my own asshole

as a burgeoning baby gay linda hamilton in t2 was extremely formative and important and now, as a 35yo well-established gay, linda hamilton in terminator: whateverthefuck 2019 could keep me as a fucking pet

i did a five minute sofa monologue about eating ass today and at the end my wife looked at me and said, “you should try that one out at work”

until like, a week ago, i thought the “wouldst thou like to live deliciously” thing was like… a joke meme about taco bell? like, maybe somehow related to dave navarro’s live mas thing that everyone lost their mind about for a while… i don’t understand the connections in my brain. like, i had seen someone GET IT TATTOOED and was just like, wow commitment

i could have been born anything but at least i wasn’t born a foot guy

I’m still out here using Twitter at incomprehensible intervals — @ashrocketship — so you know… Don’t miss out on that either.

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

whole lotta ‘wants to read’ on goodreads but not much ‘made progress on’ eh?

i like in hockey when a guy sits on another guy and then everyone holds still bc they think it’s going to get whistled but then it doesn’t so the puck starts moving again but then the guy just keeps sitting on the other guy while everyone else goes back to playing hockey, that’s good shit lil human sofa time

bitch i do not have TIME for an ad about beet juice!!!!!!

my life is p well spread over five electronic devices (phone, ipad, macbook, imac, work desktop) and stimes i just look at the shit that’s scattered on them, screencaps and saved images, and it’s just like… who was i at this moment what was i doing who was i trying to become what project was i brewing there

my biggest humblebrag on the internet is that my wife can afford weekly therapy

no matter when it happens, every time my stapler is empty when i press it, i sigh exasperatedly and am like, “REALLY?! FUCKING NOW?!” as though i am not always needing the stapler when i am using the stapler and there is some different, better time to learn that the stapler is empty

borzois are the most upsetting of all dogs

it is ONE thing to coexist with spiders and be kind or whatever but if it’s close enough that i have to see their DERANGED little legs holding their meatball body off of a surface near me well KINDNESS IS DEAD

if i was hot i would not have a SINGLE FUCKING THOUGHT in my head, i would just be dumb as hell and down to fuck, and i would not bother with ANYTHING ELSE

uh oh SOMEbody got the wrong kind of stimuli today

I do still use Twitter in the year of our lord 2020, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.