in recent years

202020192018
2017201620152014
2013201220112010

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

personally i think instead of overtime & shootouts, every tied hockey game should end with a goalie fight

while trying to formulate the correct explanation for why i don’t like shamrock shakes today, my brain served up “too much same taste”

i’m always sad that i don’t live in los angeles anymore but never more than when i think of all of the advantages there for my DOG

remembs when u were young and you’d be like, hey can i get a drink? and then you’d like, create a drink tunnel with your hand to drink from your friend’s bottle or tip your head back and pour it recklessly into your mouth from like six inches above your head? good times

‘adult men squeeze iv bagged pudding into each other’s mouths’ is absolutely the HEIGHT of what i’m looking for in a youtube video

we just repaired the lights in the bathroom at work that have not worked for the five years i have worked here and oh man, if it was easy to stare into the mirror and dissociate/depersonalized in that room before… i ain’t seen NOTHIN, sister

the way slaking shows up to battle,,, the sheer audacity,,, the powerful queer energy,,, needs a martini and some sort of quip about liza minelli

the one constant in my life since probably birth is waking up with some abe vigoda-ass looking eyebrows

one of the coolest and smartest and most helpful things you can do in A LOT of situations is to just shut the hell up

not to be too white but some mornings the toothpaste is just too spicy

I do still use Twitter in the year of our lord 2020, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

in the spirit of UNLEASH, my word of the year, i am admitting aloud that mikey way posted one of my favorite songs to his instagram story (ben folds five, “smoke” for interested parties) and i got real weird about it and almost started crying at my desk

my favorite thing about the hockey content i have recently consumed is hearing names pronounced that have seemingly no connection to the configuration of letters that i am reading

SKA IS GOOD ACTUALLY

whilst ascribing feelings to strangers with my wife rn i said, “well then he needs to GET OVER IT” and she said, serious as hell, “HE CAN’T HE’S A SCORPIO”

there’s a lot of terrible shit about keeping yourself alive but having to remove and apply clothing has got to be
close to the top

a lot of people’s true problem is thinking there’s an actual real difference between things that are good and things that are bad

sometimes i feel really ugly and then i realize it’s just that the part in my hair is wrong

wisconsin LOVES cbd and KETAMINE and adult superstores

astrology is fake af until it applies to me and then it is the ONLY TRUTH

one time i saw a bunch of ladies going buck wild in a school bus, full on getting spanked under strobe lights while driving the streets of mpls and it was exactly as spectacular as it sounds

I do still use Twitter in the year of our lord 2020, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

THE SOUND OF LAWNMOWERS IS MY NEMESIS

is there any quicker boner killer than white sunglasses on a dude

incomprehensingle – when u can’t believe someone don’t got a boo

the most passive-aggressive thing i’ve ever done in my entire life is i used to set crystal’s custom ringtone to “you really got a hold on me” whenever i was mad at her in the early days of our relationship

i never feel more like a monster than when i tell my dog we’ll be home soon over the nest camera when i don’t actually know when we’ll be home

i love to deep throat my toothbrush every morning and start my day gagging

i got my tax return and immediately ordered $100 of beef jerky on the internet

“EVERYBODY FEELS LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME YOU’RE JUST A STUPID BABY” i scream at myself as i have feelings that it turns out MOST PEOPLE never have

just like i mean ————————— not every opinion needs to be on the internet

the line between a poor white person and a rich white person is sometimes so thin that you can have a bubba on either side

I do still use Twitter in the year of our lord 2020, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.

untweeted

Here’s some more stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

i, for one, believe that it’s deeply important to have an unhealthy relationship with everything you love – why just like something when you can be COMPLETELY UNHINGED about it

just saw a teenage girl in the year of our lord 2019 walking out of the gas station in a crew neck sweatshirt that said VIRGINITY ROCKS – was it ironic? was it legit? i will never know and i hate it!!

i have an mfa in writing and i will go to my grave having never used lay/lie correctly

u ever disassociate from yr own face, but in a good way? like, shit is that me cuz she cute!!

there’s a hole in the gore of my bra and the wire works itself out of it as i go about my day and today i touched it through my shirt and mumbled, “tiddy dick”

‘speak of the devil’ is my favorite thing to absolutely SHOUT whenever someone enters a conversation, regardless of whether we were actually speaking about them, the devil

so much of writing is just trying to figure out how not to use the same word twice in one sentence

today i have gotten ads on instagram for shibari rope and leather fox bdsm face masks and furry manga… i don’t know what the algorithm sees in me, but if that’s there,,,, it is buried too deep for me and i don’t want to meet it

u can be hot or u can be talented, but it should be illegal to be both

how do u know which horses need coats

I do still use Twitter, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.

untweeted

Here’s some more stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

setting my cruise control to 73 instead of 75 is the vehicular equivalent of dragging my feet

but what would i do with my time if i wasn’t constantly combatting intrusive thoughts every waking moment of every day

i thought there were only two men and a danny devito on it’s always sunny, but it turns out there are THREE men and a danny devito and some of the things i have seen on the internet about this show make,,, slightly more sense now. but still very little sense, abstractly.

sure it LOOKS like i’m wearing pajamas in public and sure, maybe they ARE pajamas, but have you considered that, most importantly, they are also DIRTY pajamas?

everybody’s a damn lyft driver and everybody’s headlights are too damn bright!!!

mbti is just astrology for people who believe in bootstrap ideology

as a youth i assumed everyone was gay and there has been no greater disappointment of my adult life than realizing that lots of people are ACTUALLY straight

you got a cemetery that you refer to as ‘the one we got locked in?’ cuz i sure do

sure i COULD set my alarm for later but would the extra sleep be as satisfying without waking up every 9 minutes, terrified and wracked with guilt????

“live laugh love” should be “laugh love live” in order from easiest to hardest and also best to absolute fucking worst

I do still use Twitter, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world, you know?