in recent years

202020192018
2017201620152014
2013201220112010

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

THE SOUND OF LAWNMOWERS IS MY NEMESIS

is there any quicker boner killer than white sunglasses on a dude

incomprehensingle – when u can’t believe someone don’t got a boo

the most passive-aggressive thing i’ve ever done in my entire life is i used to set crystal’s custom ringtone to “you really got a hold on me” whenever i was mad at her in the early days of our relationship

i never feel more like a monster than when i tell my dog we’ll be home soon over the nest camera when i don’t actually know when we’ll be home

i love to deep throat my toothbrush every morning and start my day gagging

i got my tax return and immediately ordered $100 of beef jerky on the internet

“EVERYBODY FEELS LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME YOU’RE JUST A STUPID BABY” i scream at myself as i have feelings that it turns out MOST PEOPLE never have

just like i mean ————————— not every opinion needs to be on the internet

the line between a poor white person and a rich white person is sometimes so thin that you can have a bubba on either side

I do still use Twitter in the year of our lord 2020, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.

untweeted

Here’s some more stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

i, for one, believe that it’s deeply important to have an unhealthy relationship with everything you love – why just like something when you can be COMPLETELY UNHINGED about it

just saw a teenage girl in the year of our lord 2019 walking out of the gas station in a crew neck sweatshirt that said VIRGINITY ROCKS – was it ironic? was it legit? i will never know and i hate it!!

i have an mfa in writing and i will go to my grave having never used lay/lie correctly

u ever disassociate from yr own face, but in a good way? like, shit is that me cuz she cute!!

there’s a hole in the gore of my bra and the wire works itself out of it as i go about my day and today i touched it through my shirt and mumbled, “tiddy dick”

‘speak of the devil’ is my favorite thing to absolutely SHOUT whenever someone enters a conversation, regardless of whether we were actually speaking about them, the devil

so much of writing is just trying to figure out how not to use the same word twice in one sentence

today i have gotten ads on instagram for shibari rope and leather fox bdsm face masks and furry manga… i don’t know what the algorithm sees in me, but if that’s there,,,, it is buried too deep for me and i don’t want to meet it

u can be hot or u can be talented, but it should be illegal to be both

how do u know which horses need coats

I do still use Twitter, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.

untweeted

Here’s some more stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

setting my cruise control to 73 instead of 75 is the vehicular equivalent of dragging my feet

but what would i do with my time if i wasn’t constantly combatting intrusive thoughts every waking moment of every day

i thought there were only two men and a danny devito on it’s always sunny, but it turns out there are THREE men and a danny devito and some of the things i have seen on the internet about this show make,,, slightly more sense now. but still very little sense, abstractly.

sure it LOOKS like i’m wearing pajamas in public and sure, maybe they ARE pajamas, but have you considered that, most importantly, they are also DIRTY pajamas?

everybody’s a damn lyft driver and everybody’s headlights are too damn bright!!!

mbti is just astrology for people who believe in bootstrap ideology

as a youth i assumed everyone was gay and there has been no greater disappointment of my adult life than realizing that lots of people are ACTUALLY straight

you got a cemetery that you refer to as ‘the one we got locked in?’ cuz i sure do

sure i COULD set my alarm for later but would the extra sleep be as satisfying without waking up every 9 minutes, terrified and wracked with guilt????

“live laugh love” should be “laugh love live” in order from easiest to hardest and also best to absolute fucking worst

I do still use Twitter, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world, you know?

untweeted

Here’s some more stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

yesterday at the grocery store the lady in front of me’s total came to $69.71 and i closed my eyes, tipped my head up and went, “SO close” but thankfully neither she nor the young guy working the register heard me and i did not have to deal with the repercussions of that particular choice

i held the door for a youth with a burgeoning pornstache at the post office and and said, “after you” and he gave me that long-necked head bob that elongated men cartoon characters do and then said, “badass” ????

u know how it’s hard to stop yourself from talking about yr hyperfixations and u can feel it like, just… coming out of u from the deep depths like an unstoppable rush of water from a broken main? same, but also my most potent hyperfixation is… myself and it is,,, bad

ONCE AGAIN i have spent money and felt a brief orgasmic thrill and now… only misery

i just want straight white men to stop making things, i want them to not be in charge of anything anymore, i just want to be free of their shit… please… please… they had their turn, please make them stop

crustal forced me to finally watch the original star wars trilogy at fuckin gunpoint while i was vulnerable and lonely 1300 miles away from everything i knew and loved and 8 years later she refuses to get amped with me about going to see the last star war in theaters!!!!! marriage is a sham!!!!!!!

sometimes you gotta feel better by feeling really really really bad on purpose

drove past a girl who got pulled over this morning and she was taking a selfie with the cop car lights behind her and 1. this is something only a white person could do and 2. i strangely respect the energy of it

til it’s better to have an alive spider on your body than a dead spider because the alive spider also does not want to be on you unlike a dead spider which cannot have a preference

I do still use Twitter, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world, you know?

untweeted

I drastically reduced the amount of time I spend on Twitter back in… March, I think? Because I was feeling really agitated about increasingly meaningless things and that seemed like it just, was not good for my mental health. And while I have missed it (Most of my internet relationships are on Twitter! And I do actually like people!) the thing I have missed the most is actually just barfing every single one of my asinine thoughts into the void whenever I have them. I started throwing them into a Notes file on my phone because, well, I have a big ego and I think every thought I have has value, so I might as well hang on to them, right?

Here are ten things I hung on to, untweeted!

as i was listening to slipknot for the third day in a row today i finally understood why people use spotify private sessions

my phone just locked me out for screen downtime and i was about to extend and then nodded sagely and said, “no you’re right” out loud to it

the best part of healing a tattoo is that while you are itchy and suffering you can point your tattoo at people you love and yell, “YOU WANT SOME SKINNN!??”

i’ve stayed in some nice hotels in my day, but i’ve never stayed in a hotel nice enough to have good toilet paper

i have exactly one (1) skill and it is finding buzz lightyear vinylmation figurines in still-sealed blind boxes at disneyland. i have done it for myself. i have done it for friends. i have done it for strangers. i would do it for you, if vinylmation was still a thing.

I MISS ROCK N JOCK!!!!!!!!

the absolute power i feel when someone who follows me on goodreads adds a book i’ve recently reviewed to their ‘want to read’ shelf,,, absolutely despotic

look i get that bands want to make “””””NICE”””””” vinyl and stuff but like, can u stop… making double albums!!!! when they are not necessitated by length???? like…. FIDELITY sure, but can u not,,, make me get up FOUR TIMES to listen too your ART??!

i have extreme dad energy in that i am always needing lights on because i can’t fuckin see for shit but also am always saying, ‘do we NEED every light in this house on?!”

so many tattoo artists i follow own naked cats and like,,, you can’t tattoo an animal, buddy

I do still occasionally use Twitter, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world, you know?