in recent years

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2017201620152014
2013201220112010

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

u ever get stuck staring at a banana for a while like WHO designed this motherfucker?????

i think i’m a smart educated reasonable person and then i read 12 pages of a book and fall in love with a fictional character because they’re dumb as a fucking rock

imagine having to go through life as a grown-ass man with the name TIMOTHY

i am almost never surprised by how awful white people can be, but i am somehow frequently surprised by how ANNOYING we are. like, jesus. no one on earth knows how to run an already stupid joke into the ground like a fuckin white person.

if u have me blocked know that u are my enemy, but also,,, i respect u immensely bc u right.

the dumbest thing i get mad about is when i see a great username on a social media platform and then see it’s taken by a public figure. awful. u don’t need or deserve that!!!!!!!! u have money wealth fame and power!!!!!!! gimme ur funny twitter handle!!!!!!!

i saw cabaret at too formative an age and those curved cane back chairs make me pavlovianly horny!!!!

of all the things i’ve learned in my time on the internet, “mcdonald’s coffee burn lady wasn’t an idiot” and “baby on board placards are for first responders” are the two i get fuckin WILD AND OUT about the most

one time a guy told me we couldn’t be friends because he was applying for the fbi and i wouldn’t pass background clearance when they went digging and i still don’t know if it was an elaborate brush-off or the truth, but i’m proud either way

people without anxiety just lack imagination

I’m still out here using Twitter at incomprehensible intervals — @ashrocketship — so you know… Don’t miss out on that either.

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

my anxiety is so bad that every time some white person gets called out for some racist shit i end up aggressively interrogating myself like, am i SURE i didn’t do blackface and somehow forget? did i make a confederate flag cake even tho i don’t know anyone who moved to the south nor have i ever voluntarily baked?

ooooh daddy likes to be horizontal

why is writing actually writing one sentence and then doing fucking ANYTHING else for an hour before maybe writing another sentence and then saying you’re done for the night

one time i got to watch a squirrel going fuckin HAM on a small pumpkin on someone’s porch amongst a littering of fall
leaves and it was AMAZING

today i learned that in greek myth centaurs were just like… wild horses with human torsos and this is… upsetting… just feral horse bodies with human faces, just wild, furious REGULAR HORSES, stomping their violent horse hooves, and gnashing their horrifying human teeth

god bless our puritanical american society if only because i don’t have to put headache medicine up my own asshole

as a burgeoning baby gay linda hamilton in t2 was extremely formative and important and now, as a 35yo well-established gay, linda hamilton in terminator: whateverthefuck 2019 could keep me as a fucking pet

i did a five minute sofa monologue about eating ass today and at the end my wife looked at me and said, “you should try that one out at work”

until like, a week ago, i thought the “wouldst thou like to live deliciously” thing was like… a joke meme about taco bell? like, maybe somehow related to dave navarro’s live mas thing that everyone lost their mind about for a while… i don’t understand the connections in my brain. like, i had seen someone GET IT TATTOOED and was just like, wow commitment

i could have been born anything but at least i wasn’t born a foot guy

I’m still out here using Twitter at incomprehensible intervals — @ashrocketship — so you know… Don’t miss out on that either.

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

whole lotta ‘wants to read’ on goodreads but not much ‘made progress on’ eh?

i like in hockey when a guy sits on another guy and then everyone holds still bc they think it’s going to get whistled but then it doesn’t so the puck starts moving again but then the guy just keeps sitting on the other guy while everyone else goes back to playing hockey, that’s good shit lil human sofa time

bitch i do not have TIME for an ad about beet juice!!!!!!

my life is p well spread over five electronic devices (phone, ipad, macbook, imac, work desktop) and stimes i just look at the shit that’s scattered on them, screencaps and saved images, and it’s just like… who was i at this moment what was i doing who was i trying to become what project was i brewing there

my biggest humblebrag on the internet is that my wife can afford weekly therapy

no matter when it happens, every time my stapler is empty when i press it, i sigh exasperatedly and am like, “REALLY?! FUCKING NOW?!” as though i am not always needing the stapler when i am using the stapler and there is some different, better time to learn that the stapler is empty

borzois are the most upsetting of all dogs

it is ONE thing to coexist with spiders and be kind or whatever but if it’s close enough that i have to see their DERANGED little legs holding their meatball body off of a surface near me well KINDNESS IS DEAD

if i was hot i would not have a SINGLE FUCKING THOUGHT in my head, i would just be dumb as hell and down to fuck, and i would not bother with ANYTHING ELSE

uh oh SOMEbody got the wrong kind of stimuli today

I do still use Twitter in the year of our lord 2020, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

personally i think instead of overtime & shootouts, every tied hockey game should end with a goalie fight

while trying to formulate the correct explanation for why i don’t like shamrock shakes today, my brain served up “too much same taste”

i’m always sad that i don’t live in los angeles anymore but never more than when i think of all of the advantages there for my DOG

remembs when u were young and you’d be like, hey can i get a drink? and then you’d like, create a drink tunnel with your hand to drink from your friend’s bottle or tip your head back and pour it recklessly into your mouth from like six inches above your head? good times

‘adult men squeeze iv bagged pudding into each other’s mouths’ is absolutely the HEIGHT of what i’m looking for in a youtube video

we just repaired the lights in the bathroom at work that have not worked for the five years i have worked here and oh man, if it was easy to stare into the mirror and dissociate/depersonalized in that room before… i ain’t seen NOTHIN, sister

the way slaking shows up to battle,,, the sheer audacity,,, the powerful queer energy,,, needs a martini and some sort of quip about liza minelli

the one constant in my life since probably birth is waking up with some abe vigoda-ass looking eyebrows

one of the coolest and smartest and most helpful things you can do in A LOT of situations is to just shut the hell up

not to be too white but some mornings the toothpaste is just too spicy

I do still use Twitter in the year of our lord 2020, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.

untweeted

Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

in the spirit of UNLEASH, my word of the year, i am admitting aloud that mikey way posted one of my favorite songs to his instagram story (ben folds five, “smoke” for interested parties) and i got real weird about it and almost started crying at my desk

my favorite thing about the hockey content i have recently consumed is hearing names pronounced that have seemingly no connection to the configuration of letters that i am reading

SKA IS GOOD ACTUALLY

whilst ascribing feelings to strangers with my wife rn i said, “well then he needs to GET OVER IT” and she said, serious as hell, “HE CAN’T HE’S A SCORPIO”

there’s a lot of terrible shit about keeping yourself alive but having to remove and apply clothing has got to be
close to the top

a lot of people’s true problem is thinking there’s an actual real difference between things that are good and things that are bad

sometimes i feel really ugly and then i realize it’s just that the part in my hair is wrong

wisconsin LOVES cbd and KETAMINE and adult superstores

astrology is fake af until it applies to me and then it is the ONLY TRUTH

one time i saw a bunch of ladies going buck wild in a school bus, full on getting spanked under strobe lights while driving the streets of mpls and it was exactly as spectacular as it sounds

I do still use Twitter in the year of our lord 2020, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.