Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

u ever get stuck staring at a banana for a while like WHO designed this motherfucker?????

i think i’m a smart educated reasonable person and then i read 12 pages of a book and fall in love with a fictional character because they’re dumb as a fucking rock

imagine having to go through life as a grown-ass man with the name TIMOTHY

i am almost never surprised by how awful white people can be, but i am somehow frequently surprised by how ANNOYING we are. like, jesus. no one on earth knows how to run an already stupid joke into the ground like a fuckin white person.

if u have me blocked know that u are my enemy, but also,,, i respect u immensely bc u right.

the dumbest thing i get mad about is when i see a great username on a social media platform and then see it’s taken by a public figure. awful. u don’t need or deserve that!!!!!!!! u have money wealth fame and power!!!!!!! gimme ur funny twitter handle!!!!!!!

i saw cabaret at too formative an age and those curved cane back chairs make me pavlovianly horny!!!!

of all the things i’ve learned in my time on the internet, “mcdonald’s coffee burn lady wasn’t an idiot” and “baby on board placards are for first responders” are the two i get fuckin WILD AND OUT about the most

one time a guy told me we couldn’t be friends because he was applying for the fbi and i wouldn’t pass background clearance when they went digging and i still don’t know if it was an elaborate brush-off or the truth, but i’m proud either way

people without anxiety just lack imagination

I’m still out here using Twitter at incomprehensible intervals — @ashrocketship — so you know… Don’t miss out on that either.