Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!

my anxiety is so bad that every time some white person gets called out for some racist shit i end up aggressively interrogating myself like, am i SURE i didn’t do blackface and somehow forget? did i make a confederate flag cake even tho i don’t know anyone who moved to the south nor have i ever voluntarily baked?

ooooh daddy likes to be horizontal

why is writing actually writing one sentence and then doing fucking ANYTHING else for an hour before maybe writing another sentence and then saying you’re done for the night

one time i got to watch a squirrel going fuckin HAM on a small pumpkin on someone’s porch amongst a littering of fall
leaves and it was AMAZING

today i learned that in greek myth centaurs were just like… wild horses with human torsos and this is… upsetting… just feral horse bodies with human faces, just wild, furious REGULAR HORSES, stomping their violent horse hooves, and gnashing their horrifying human teeth

god bless our puritanical american society if only because i don’t have to put headache medicine up my own asshole

as a burgeoning baby gay linda hamilton in t2 was extremely formative and important and now, as a 35yo well-established gay, linda hamilton in terminator: whateverthefuck 2019 could keep me as a fucking pet

i did a five minute sofa monologue about eating ass today and at the end my wife looked at me and said, “you should try that one out at work”

until like, a week ago, i thought the “wouldst thou like to live deliciously” thing was like… a joke meme about taco bell? like, maybe somehow related to dave navarro’s live mas thing that everyone lost their mind about for a while… i don’t understand the connections in my brain. like, i had seen someone GET IT TATTOOED and was just like, wow commitment

i could have been born anything but at least i wasn’t born a foot guy

I’m still out here using Twitter at incomprehensible intervals — @ashrocketship — so you know… Don’t miss out on that either.