Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!


is there any quicker boner killer than white sunglasses on a dude

incomprehensingle – when u can’t believe someone don’t got a boo

the most passive-aggressive thing i’ve ever done in my entire life is i used to set crystal’s custom ringtone to “you really got a hold on me” whenever i was mad at her in the early days of our relationship

i never feel more like a monster than when i tell my dog we’ll be home soon over the nest camera when i don’t actually know when we’ll be home

i love to deep throat my toothbrush every morning and start my day gagging

i got my tax return and immediately ordered $100 of beef jerky on the internet

“EVERYBODY FEELS LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME YOU’RE JUST A STUPID BABY” i scream at myself as i have feelings that it turns out MOST PEOPLE never have

just like i mean ————————— not every opinion needs to be on the internet

the line between a poor white person and a rich white person is sometimes so thin that you can have a bubba on either side

I do still use Twitter in the year of our lord 2020, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.