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Friday’s festive-ass flick was Nothing Like the Holidays which we really did sit down and watch on Friday over pizza (from a new place in town! We have no good independent pizza and this was definitely better than average! And CHEAP. What up, Chalkboard Pizza, we love you now.) and it has actually taken me this long to write about it because this movie is pretty forgettable. Do you see how few notes there are? And then we had to rearrange the entire movie schedule again because Netflix took Santa’s Slay off of Instant for no discernible reason (THANKS, NETFLIX!) and yeah. [Here is the updated version. Again. Good gawd.] Also, spoilers.
It is, however, a movie full of people of color! In a holiday movie! Puerto Ricans who do Puerto Rican cultural things like La Paranda! THIS IS COOL.
And it made me spend a lot of time thinking about how rare that is. Because we are all still operating in a culture and consuming media that says movies with casts of color are for “those” people while movies with primarily white casts are for everyone. STILL. In 2011 this is still a legitimate issue. And because we all keep buying into it, the studios keep operating under the assumption that we’re all still racist. [Read this for some additional insight. It is probably the one Cracked article you will ever see me link. Ever.]
But the movie itself is pretty good! It’s not great and it’s not memorable, but there are some nice tender moments that feel really authentic to the complexities of family and to growing up and the idea of home. And there are great funny parts. And just a lot of little moments that add up to a solid enough dramedy experience. It’s not really a holiday movie though.
The holiday feels really incidental to the things happening in the movie and it’s not exploited in a placemaking sense either. These people could have been coming back together at any time and had the same experiences here. And there are a couple of beautiful shots of winter-time Chicago, but nothing that screams holiday the way most holiday movies do. That’s totally an okay thing for a movie to do! But not one that tries to sell itself as a holiday movie and if you want to see how hard this thing is trying to be a holiday movie, just check out the website.
It also lacks that… warm bath feeling? At the end of most holiday movies you get that sort of snuggled-in-to-bed or sinking-in-to-a-warm-bath chest swell. Everything is going to be okay and you are happy for the people in the box. This one has a sense of well-okay-these-people-are-going-to-be-alright-but-also-their-dad-is-still-dying-and-the-sister’s-new-boyfriend/friend-of-the-family-was-still-going-to-shoot-someone-even-if-he-didn’t and that’s not a totally great way to end a Christmas flick.
It’s an okay movie though! Worth watching. Just don’t go into it looking for some Miracle on 34th Street Bing Crosby Charlie Brown warm and fuzzies. Nothing like the Holidays is kind of nothing like a holiday movie.
The seventh festive-ass flick was Joyeux Noël which both I and my girlfriend are familiar with because she made me watch it with her when we first met because she is crazy and loves French things. [Spoilers ahead! Also, here is the calendar again because this is what I do.]
Joyeux Noël is the story of the World War I cease-fire that theoretically/historically/fictionally/sort of happened on Christmas Eve in 1914. There are elements of the movie that are based on things that are known to have happened, but IIIIIIIIIIII don’t really care ’cause I just watch movies for entertainment. Not to learn stuff. LEARNIN’ IS FOR NERDS.
So the three commanding dudes of the French, German, and Scottish armies basically tell their dudes to hang out after the Scottish guys play bagpipes and a German dude sings “Silent Night” in German and in a joyous and loud manner and then climbs up into No Man’s Land carrying a Christmas tree and continuing to sing operatically like it’s no big deal and all of this is totally normal. But no one shoots him so it’s okay and they all get drunk together and a French and German dude argue over the provenance of a little orange tabby cat that has been playing them both for food. Cats is smart. And also a bunch of stuff happens and it’s all very heartwarming and a good reminder that war is bad and it SUCKS for everyone in it and no one is totally evil? Except Hitler, but this isn’t his war yet, SO HOLD ON.
I like this movie a lot. It’s really beautiful and moving and FUNNY and sweet and old timey and stuff. And it’s worth watching! And it’s got a nice, moving middle bit. But it’s just SURROUNDED BY DEATH. It’s like: war and dead people, war and dead people, BREASTS, friendliness, ten minutes of Christmas joy, and then EVERYONE GETS PUNISHED AND GOES TO HELL. And that’s kind of a bummer.
My favorite parts of movie are this:
– the German and French dudes being super friends in sadness
– the Scottish guy being all Scottish and jovial and rabbit-looking
– the operatic dude looking like someone tried to draw Crispin Glover after having only been described his face and also with their eyes closed
– the cat being shot for treason (this is sad but ALSO TRUE — they shot a CAT for TREASON)
– the march from one trench to another to avoid being bombed because everyone was friends then and didn’t want to kill each other
– the way all these dudes react to seeing a woman in the trenches
– French guy making the German eat the chocolate first and then giving it back when they fight over the kitten like, “I DON’T NEED YOUR CHOCOLATE, THIS IS MY CAT”
– sharing pictures of their wives
– Daniel Brühl being all Daniel Brühly and also being like, “LOL XMAS I AM JEWISH.”
– Scottish teamwork to dump their commander in human excrement.
– I am not going to pretend I am not deeply interested in Diane Kruger’s nipple. Merry Topless Christmas.
My LEAST favorite part of the movie is the Scottish guy that keeps hugging his dead brother. Like, I am sad for that guy. They went to war together! And they were together! And his brother died! AND THAT IS SO AWFUL. And I am normally SO INVESTED in brotherly tragedy/pain/angst. But then he spends the whole time hugging him and crying while STRADDLING HIS DEAD BODY and then almost getting killed because he’s trying to bury him and it is just AWFUL. SO AWFUL. And he keeps sending letters to his mom being like, “ME AND MY BROTHER ARE OKAY. WE LOVE OUR MITTENS. LOVE YOU MOM.” Please, Dead-Brother-Hugger, stop it. I don’t know how to read you as a character and you are making everyone REAL UNCOMFORTABLE.
So yeah, watch this one. It’s real good and pretty and wonderful. Joyeux Noël is a movie for people who like war and death and breasts with their Christmas. Grit’s good for you, damn it. It can’t be candy canes and reindeer and snowflakes on eyelashes all the time OKAY.
Wednesday night marked the first scheduling chance in the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks calendar where I subbed in Scrooged for Elf because I hadn’t realized how early I had Elf set. It’s one of my favorites, it has to be saved! [Here is the update calendar for your viewing pleasure.]
Scrooged is a real good movie. I have a lot of memories of watching it as a kid because it is LEGITIMATELY terrifying and is responsible for one of my most inane fears (moving skeletons! DON’T LIKE ‘EM ONE BIT.) and also I had a lot of youthful lesbian feelings toward Carol Kane.
This is one of those movies that makes me feel intense desires about New York. (See also: Elf, Annie Hall, Ghostbusters, Big, Working Girl, Hackers, The First Wives Club, 13 Going on 30, and 30 Rock.) It’s like… if it was always Christmas in NYC and the snow wasn’t slippery and I had a good warm wardrobe I would totally want to live there. If it was always safe-snowy and beautiful and covered in elaborate light and window displays, I would totally, totally be down.
ANYWAY, Scrooged is great. Bill Murray is great. Carol Kane is great. Karen Allen is great. Bobcat Goldthwait is, as always, flawless and ridiculous. IT IS ALL GOOD. And the story still feels really relevant/current. And the dated stuff is delightful. VHS! The clothes! Network television being relevant and popular! It also screams 80s because there’s no real vilification of Frank’s wealth, just his shitty behavior. And that’s pretty interesting.
I also think it’s really weird that we’re supposed to be mad at Frank for ditching Christmas Eve dinner with his friends in the flashback-y region of the movie. Like, friends are the most important thing in my life. My friends and family are one in the same to me. But if an opportunity that would facilitate my achieving something important to me arose and I had to cancel plans in order to do it, my friends and family would EASILY understand. That whole exchange is really awkward actually. I think the “Let’s take a break” thing is supposed to communicate to the viewer that Frank’s job has put a strain on their relationship already, but it just comes off like Karen Allen has some serious issues. IT’S ONE DINNER, DANG. Or it’s a sign that the AMC TV version edited out some really important character stuff. There are just so many better reasons to think Frank’s a dick and that one isn’t a very good precursor to them.
But yeah, I want to talk about how I don’t understand why there aren’t a whole bunch of people my age with extreme trauma from watching this thing. THIS MOVIE IS TERRIFYING.
And if that isn’t bad enough:
At the end they are holding gifts and bells and shit! WHAT WEIRDO DECIDED THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?!
ANYWAY, Scrooged is an excellent, relevant, hilarious, dark, and delightful holiday ROMP. Or something.
Day five of Festive-Ass Flicks was the live-action Jim Carrey How the Grinch Stole Christmas from 2000. [Here is the calendar if you want to check it out/follow along at home!] Which my girlfriend had never seen before! Which was kind of amazing to me since I saw this thing in the theaters when it came out with some of my friends from high school. I thought it was like a THING, even if you didn’t have a child to take.
I remember really liking this version when I saw it in theaters and obviously liked it enough to buy it on DVD at some point and I have DEFINITELY had repeated, serious moments of over-identifying with “Where Are You Christmas?” but this rewatch kind of confirmed all the terrible reviews.
Jim Carrey is always painful to watch, but I remembered the Grinch being more tempered and natural. Good god was I wrong. He is EXCRUCIATING. And, like, the Grinch SHOULD be a big, exaggerated character! And still somehow Jim Carrey goes too far. Josh Ryan Evans is great as the eight year old Grinch. That’s the kind of personality/attitude that Jim Carrey should have been striving for. And he’s cute and pretty damn complex for an eight year old character.
Taylor Momsen is GREAT though. I hate child actors that are clearly good at what they’re doing because it just frustrates and embarrasses me. I don’t even want to think about what I was probably accomplishing at that age. Crayons? Cursive? Mastery of the bathroom? I don’t like anybody that causes me an existential crisis. Especially one about my childhood. But she’s the cutest Who and so good at being sad and curious and hopeful and kind. Screw you if you don’t think characters in kid-friendly movies can be complex and interesting. Raise your standards! You are why we keep ending up with shit.
Also, she done grown UP.
Whoville approves.
Anyway, it turns out that basically what I DO like about this movie is the art direction. They brought Dr. Seuss’ world to life in a way I can get behind. Whoville is beautiful and charming and cozy and kooky. It’s a world that looks like it would sing nonsense Christmas songs and produce people like Cindy Lou and the Grinch.
It was kind of a bummer though because the movie really looks like shit. I assume it’s the DVD transfer (because I don’t remember it looking that bad in theaters, but I also don’t remember anything ever, so.) and it looks grainy and dark and flat and dull as hell. And every caps site I went to had dark, grainy caps. DVD bummer.
Anyway, BABY GRINCH IS THE BEST GRINCH. And basically the best part of the movie.
But in conclusion, this movie has the most adult joke I’ve ever witnessed in a family-friendly movie.
Yo, the night the Grinch was born unto Whoville, his old biddy (code: LESBIAN, let’s get real) mothers were having a CHRISTMAS KEY PARTY. Who-swapping in Whoville. Gawd bless Whomerica.
Day four of festive-ass flicks was a double feature: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, the 1947 Max Fleischer short and the 1964 Rankin/Bass television special. [Here is the calendar if you want to check it out/follow along at home!]
The Max Fleischer version is part of a collection of holiday shorts that are rather notorious for being of-the-era racist. Luckily, since this one’s about reindeer, it’s not so much of an issue. ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT BE. I am white and we are notoriously bad at recognizing obvious issues that are right in front of our faces.
Honestly, the whole thing was pretty forgettable. I know I must have seen it as a kid because I vaguely remembered the animation and the terrifying two-legged way the reindeer walk and interact with one another.
Rudolph’s mom is kind of a babe and the other reindeer are enormous dicks (which is just part of what makes the story what it is) and Santa reacts to fog like a drunk-ass driver. Every time I think about Rudolph’s story in general I have to wonder what the fuck Santa did all the other times that Christmas Eve weather was a little rough. Like, we are supposed to believe that EVERY OTHER CHRISTMAS EVE IN HISTORY was pleasant and clear the entire world over? Sit the hell down.
ALSO, Santa’s got a real big opinion of his job: “Rudolph, my boy, they’ll envy you now far and near for no greater honor can come to a deer then riding with Santa and guiding my sleigh, the number one job on the number one day.” Like, whoa, slow your confidence roll, Kringle. Being a part of Santa’s crew is great and all, but I am sure there are all kinds of other reindeer jobs that are just as fulfilling and important.
Watching the Rankin/Bass version was a lot more personally traumatic/important to me because I never saw it as a kid because I was scared of claymation. I didn’t see anything claymation until The Nightmare Before Christmas and I waited like… five years after that came out to finally watch it. And by then I was like 14. I KNOW IT IS WEIRD TO BE AFRAID OF CLAYMATION. We don’t even need to discuss that issue, okay?
I started out thinking about the Rudolph story really critically/academically because it’s such an archetypical story. A weirdo appears, a weirdo is shunned, a weirdo is accepted. Except it’s not a positive story about being a weirdo and being accepted, it’s a story about how we are only valuable if we are useful to the machine. It’s baaaaaasically Focault’s ideas of docile bodies. And that’s messed up! ALMOST EVERYONE SHUNS RUDOLPH. His own father is ashamed of him (which Santa TELLS him to be!) and the other young reindeer are almost afraid of him once his nose is revealed and there is no sign of forgiveness until Santa deems him useful.
But then I just started getting really frustrated because GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE IS TOO LONG. Seriously. I don’t understand how kids sit through this! If someone had tried to make me watch this when I was little, I would have gotten bored before the ginger miner shows up and started throwing a tantrum. SO LONG. And the abominable snowman is the slowest moving monster in all history. Like, WAIT, we will stop and chat for a few minutes while he advances on us slower than honey pouring from a jar. And then there is STILL MORE MOVIE.
Donner’s an asshole and so are all the other reindeer. Mrs. Donner and Clarice are awesome. And Hermey is the best, sassiest, most flippy-hair-having dentist elf I have ever seen. And Santa is a dick. I think Santa just might be universally a dick.
Now that I’ve crossed the landmark/hurdle of watching the first Rankin/Bass, I might spend some time watching the other ones. Maybe. Claymation still really freaks me out.
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