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Here’s some stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!
THE SOUND OF LAWNMOWERS IS MY NEMESIS
is there any quicker boner killer than white sunglasses on a dude
incomprehensingle – when u can’t believe someone don’t got a boo
the most passive-aggressive thing i’ve ever done in my entire life is i used to set crystal’s custom ringtone to “you really got a hold on me” whenever i was mad at her in the early days of our relationship
i never feel more like a monster than when i tell my dog we’ll be home soon over the nest camera when i don’t actually know when we’ll be home
i love to deep throat my toothbrush every morning and start my day gagging
i got my tax return and immediately ordered $100 of beef jerky on the internet
“EVERYBODY FEELS LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME YOU’RE JUST A STUPID BABY” i scream at myself as i have feelings that it turns out MOST PEOPLE never have
just like i mean ————————— not every opinion needs to be on the internet
the line between a poor white person and a rich white person is sometimes so thin that you can have a bubba on either side
I do still use Twitter in the year of our lord 2020, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.
Hey look, it’s that time of year! When a bitch shares their love! Every song you hear! Seems to say! Spend your money! May your shopping dreams! Come true!
OR!
Here’s the first of four posts about stuff I loved in 2019!
Crystal went to Florida without me this month and in her absence I read several books, listened to a metric fuckton of music, watched a couple of movies, and some TV. I’ve never been so productive in my life.
I’ve been watching Good Mythical Morning daily for a while now and sporadically for a real, real long time before that and while I think Rhett and Link are funny (even when they aren’t retching and/or hiccuping convulsively) I genuinely had no idea what to expect from Buddy System, so while it was out from behind the YouTube Red paywall, I sat down in my bachelorhood and watched all of the first season and had a great time! I must admit to a moment of visceral bewilderment so strong that I had to pause when it moved from the GMM format opening and then had them step out from behind the desk, but it was weirdly effective. I really liked that this leaned way into the sense of weirdness I get from their humor and that it was just happily, balls-out goofy. As I am sure I’ve said before, I hate musicals with very few exceptions and I think comedy songs are mostly bad, but I had a remarkably good time with these, especially “So Dang Dark” and “Power Nap” and “Tough Decisions”. I like that they both commit so wholly to their bits and Link’s straight delivery of every absurd thing he said sent me into hysterics. I also watched and liked season two a lot, but this is long enough already, yes? (“I Like What I Like” and “Naked” are the stand-out songs this time, but “Kings of Bellevue Estates” made me actually legit laugh out loud because it was just extremely spot-on as a parody. Okay really, shutting up now!!)
Here is my first opinion: people who post on the internet about how they don’t like the things people post on the internet are the worst and shouldn’t be allowed to access the internet. My second opinion: if you can’t summon any interest in hearing about the things your friends like… why do you have friends? My third opinion: the Spotify wrapped infographics are fun and I’m glad people share them! How can I be adequately obsessed with you as a person if I don’t know what pop culture you’re obsessed with?! Also, mine rules, specifically, because I have an excellent and varied taste in music. I thought the decade thing was pretty interesting this year although mostly useless to me because I listen to Spotify at work and when people are agitating me, I listen to a playlist I have called “Soothe” on repeat and it’s just Vince Guaraldi Trio’s “Great Pumpkin Waltz” and “Thanksgiving Theme” so those have been my top two songs like, four years running and that was my artist of the decade too. Otherwise 2019 was very spot-on for the stuff I listened to and loved the most and it has me AMPED for my Totally Top Five this year.
I liked Late Night so much! Mindy Kaling is so, so charming and funny and I liked SO MUCH that even when the circumstances of the story pushed Molly into a really awkward moment that could have been played as deeply humiliating and for laughs, it instead leaned toward more regular human behavior. I like that the story didn’t demand that Molly change and become ~one of the guys~ in order to succeed or survive and that her success came directly from her personal experience, talent, and willingness to stand up for herself and her ideas. Emma Thompson was GREAT and I ended up liking the guys as the plot let them develop too, especially Tom, obviously, because I am a sucker, though I stand by my opinion that the SPOILER shoulder kiss at the end was a bad choice because of COURSE they would end up together, it didn’t need to be made TEXTUAL. Anyway, I laughed a lot AND had a nice time emotionally and I don’t really need anything else to have a good time with a movie, so I’d say it was a very solid watch.
And three to look forward to…

Here’s some more stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!
i, for one, believe that it’s deeply important to have an unhealthy relationship with everything you love – why just like something when you can be COMPLETELY UNHINGED about it
just saw a teenage girl in the year of our lord 2019 walking out of the gas station in a crew neck sweatshirt that said VIRGINITY ROCKS – was it ironic? was it legit? i will never know and i hate it!!
i have an mfa in writing and i will go to my grave having never used lay/lie correctly
u ever disassociate from yr own face, but in a good way? like, shit is that me cuz she cute!!
there’s a hole in the gore of my bra and the wire works itself out of it as i go about my day and today i touched it through my shirt and mumbled, “tiddy dick”
“speak of the devil” is my favorite thing to absolutely SHOUT whenever someone enters a conversation, regardless of whether we were actually speaking about them, the devil
so much of writing is just trying to figure out how not to use the same word twice in one sentence
today i have gotten ads on instagram for shibari rope and leather fox bdsm face masks and furry manga… i don’t know what the algorithm sees in me, but if that’s there,,,, it is buried too deep for me and i don’t want to meet it
u can be hot or u can be talented, but it should be illegal to be both
how do u know which horses need coats
I do still use Twitter, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world and you should be getting as much of me as humanly possible.
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