So remember how I said being one day off wasn’t so bad? Well by the time I watched The Shop Around the Corner it was four days late. [CALENDAR] OOPS. [Spoilers!]

This was a pretty good old timey movie situation! It’s kind of cool to look at and there’s lots of fast, sharp dialogue, and I really like the supporting characters (Pepi and Flora and Pirovitch) and the way they interact and avoid and enable the romantic plot at the center of the story. Also Jimmy Stewart is beautiful and wonderful and I could listen to him talk all day every day. Please make love to me old timey Jimmy Stewart. Tell me I am pretty. Light my cigarette and tuck my hair behind my ear and stuff. Margaret Sullavan is also a babe duh.

So, basically, I liked this movie a lot because, BIG REVEAL, I LOVE You’ve Got Mail. And that movie is based on this one. And JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT, but You’ve Got Mail is GR8. It is a good light-hearted romantic comedy. Plus Tom Hanks.

Sorry cynical, youthful Ash, grown-up adult you LOVES TOM HANKS. Don’t worry though, she still hates Forrest Gump so you can calm down.

So yeah, this one is similar! Except with handwritten letters and an anonymous newspaper ad! It’s like… You’ve Got Mail Beta. You’ve Got Mail 1.0. You’ve Got Mail DOS. If we made this today it would be Craigslist and text messages. [Wait, I kind of like that, let’s make this thing again.]

Three things I cannot get over:

1. DUDE. Why are they in Budapest? I can’t parse this thing out. Are they Americans living in Budapest? Are they supposed to be Hungarian? They have vaguely Hungarian-esque names, so is that it? Are they the children of Hungarians come back to the motherland? Why are Klara, Alfred, and the messenger boys the only people without accents? I CANNOT UNDERSTAND.

In all those 191,000 results, no one could give me a comprehensive, logical answer. I mean. WHAT IS THE DEAL? I am a big fan of multiculturalism and filming in other countries and all that good stuff. But this was filmed in CULVER CITY. In California. In the UNITED STATES. So what is the deal? [Do you see how hung up on this I am? I CANNOT LET IT GO.]

2. Dude. Mr. Matuschek was going to KILL HIMSELF. He had a gun to his head! Off-camera, but still. And Pepi had to fling himself at the shopkeeper to keep him alive. And a lamp loses its life as a consequence. SUICIDE. I can’t. In a CHRISTMAS movie. And I know it’s not just a Christmas movie, yadda yadda, but just the idea of this lighthearted romantic comedy with a major suicidal moment as its catalyst is kind of insane/awesome. This is the same thing I think every time I think about It’s a Wonderful Life. [Which I hate, won’t watch all the way through, and am constantly irritated by.] I just can’t imagine suicide-as-a-plot-element making it’s way into something considered a holiday classic produced now. And I am FASCINATED by it.

3. This:

SO WELL DONE. SO SAD. Klara reaching in, hopeful for a letter from her mystery love and finding nothing. SO SAD. REAL SAD. Not tears sad, but legit sad nonetheless.

So yeah, I dug it enough. I’d maybe watch it again. Jimmy Stewart’s corpse should call me.

In conclusion, sock garters.

The twelfth day of festive-ass flicks was Bad Santa which I watched twelve-ish hours after I was supposed to AND by myself while I did a million other things to prepare for my TENTH ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY and also dicked around on the internet because I’ve seen this one before. A lot. [Calendar.] [Also, spoilers.]

I like Bad Santa a lot because I like stories about losers. Losers are inherently more interesting than winners and they have a tendency to be not only more complex, but better written and developed. Sorry heroes and good guys, losers are where it’s at.

Bill Bob Thornton’s Santa is great. You kind of have to hate him and that’s really important for the shaping of this story. This dude is a DOUCHE and an asshole and a hateful, miserable piece of shit and so, as the story develops, you have to learn to like him as he slowly redeems himself and grows. And you do! And it’s so successful and kind of quiet and he never becomes a totally good guy, but he tries to do the right thing by this weird, awesome, sad kid who needs him. And it just works really well and is great.

Everyone in this is great, actually. Including John Ritter and Bernie Mac who are both dead now. That’s depressing. Tony Cox is great. Lauren Graham is smoking hot, but she’s also really tender and careful and not necessarily as developed or interesting as she should be, but I think you end up liking her a lot anyway. And, shockingly, I don’t get any whisper of slut-shaming around her character either. She sleeps with Santa as soon as she meets him, but there’s nothing in the movie that indicates that there’s anything wrong with it. SO RARE.

And that weird sad kid. SO WEIRD AND SAD. Brett Kelly is probably always going to be that fat kid with curly hair, but I think what he does in this is kind of remarkable. He’s so lonely and so sad and the viewer feels really bad and awful and sorry for him, but he’s positive and gentle and cherubic and he just likes Santa and wants to be his friend. When he tells Billy Bob Thornton that he knows he isn’t Santa but he hoped Billy Bob would get him a gift anyway because they’re friends? I legit lose my shit. FRIENDSHIP. And hope. And sadness. And yeah. It’s great, so shut up.

The only part of this movie that I don’t like is that there are two scenes of extended food consumption that not only turn my stomach but make me want to murder everyone involved in creating them. I have misophonia and Bernie Mac’s eating in his office while he talks to John Ritter is PHYSICALLY miserable to me. I had to pause it three or four times just to get through. And then Billy Bob Thornton does it to me later with broccoli. WHY. WHY DO MOVIE PEOPLE EVER THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?! Stop it, stop it right now.

ANYWAY, this one’s real good and I’m sad I had to watch it alone because my girlfriend has never seen it. It’s funny and it’s touching and it has a happy ending. Warm holiday fuzzies.

After having to re-juggle the schedule, Sunday night’s festive-ass flick became Love Actually [Caaaaalendar.] And it was a nice, easy, relaxing Sunday night because we’ve both seen this one about 600 times, each more enjoyable than the last. [Spoilers, obvs.]

I think part of what makes Love Actually so great is just that the whole thing is really warm. It’s not saccharine or cloying and there are painful things fluttering around in it, but the people involved in these stories love each other immensely, even when they’re hurting each other. Every story line is great, even Colin’s ridiculous trip to the US and each one gets just enough voice and legs to carry itself to a really satisfying end.
This is one of my pre-festive-ass favorites and since I’ve already covered some stuff about loving it, I thought I’d just kind of ramble about things I really love:

– Bill Nighy and Gregor Fisher. I think this is generally one of the most under appreciated elements of the movie. His manager is the love of his life! They’re old and happy together! FRIENDSHIP IS THE BEST.
– Hugh Grant caroling for the little girls who answer the door and the little running man move they do to “Good King Wenceslas” and basically the entirety of his door-to-door episode.
– The Nativity play! Lobsters! An octopus! A Spider-man faced crown-wearing child! It’s just so, so perfect. This is what kid recitals are like. This is so much what I imagine it is like being a parent. Gawd only knows how many times I went home with a weird lists of supplies and necessities for projects and performances. Gawd bless all the parents and guardians who put up with us.
– Which perfectly segues into all the great parenting going on in this thing! Liam Neeson is such a good dad! And Emma Thompson is such a good mom! And it all seems really natural and rewarding and easy but not effortless.
– Laura Linney and her brother. ABSOLUTE TEARS OF AGONY GUSHING FROM MY EYES every single time I watch and Laura Linney interact with her brother and hug him and be SUCH A GOOD AND PATIENT PERSON. Can’t deal with it.
– Every word that comes out of Kris Marshall’s mouth.
– Martin Freeman and Joanna Page. BEST MOST CUTE BEST.

I love all the stories, obvs. And this movie makes me re-love Hugh Grant every single time I watch it. Like, no joke. I love you, Hugh Grant. I do. And this movie has the faux-nostalgia-beautiful-place thing that Christmas movies set in New York do. It looks so pretty and lovely, I start thinking I could live there and be happy and joyful forever even though it’s so totally, adamantly untrue.

I spent most of this watch OBSESSING over British Christmas trees though. Like, I know they are not SPECIFICALLY British, they’re just untrimmed firs, but I could not stop freaking out about how PRETTY they are and the only way I was able to find similar ones was to Google “british christmas trees” so that’s just what they are.

Also, there are three separate incidences of holiday breasts in this one. Bless the British.