Day 22 of 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was the atrocious Santa Claus Conquers the Martians which we watched only one day late! It was on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and spoofed on Cinematic Titanic. It’s terrible. [Spoilers!]
The thing about this movie is… It wasn’t really bad enough to laugh at? I’ve seen most of the MST3K episode and it’s pretty good, but I wanted to just watch the straight-up movie and it was just. so. bad. Like, almost unbearably so. Like, I was just begging for it to end and it WOULDN’T. It was EXCRUCIATING. But not because it was bad enough to be mockable — well, it is, but not in a fun way? — but because it’s sooooooooooo booooooooooooooooring.
I don’t even have anything interesting to say. I tried. OH I TRIED SO HARD. But you’re just going to have to deal with my notes, okay. DEAL WITH IT.
– Why does Winky the elf have a hard line to the Martian people and their appearance?
– They have exact Earth food on Mars? You can come up with jelly bean food pills, but they still eat chocolate cake and asparagus?
– DAMN IT MAMA I HAD TO SLEEP SPRAY THEM KIDS AGAIN
– They go to KINDERGARTEN on Mars too?!
– SEPTOBER?!
– What? Why would a news reporter ever be like, OH WE THINK THAT UFO IS ACTUALLY ALIENS EVEN THOUGH THE GOVERNMENT SAYS THEY’RE TOTALLY NOT AND EVERYTHING IS FINE. PS: TOTALLY ALIENS.
– OH OH DROPO IS BILL MCCUTCHEON.
And then things start to get weird because I kind of half fell asleep but I kept writing and then waking up and trying to figure it out and. Yeah. Transcribed exactly as written for your enjoyment.
– ohmgus robos
– santa’s so idiot
– a martianmellow (IDK what this means, but I LIKE IT.)
– voldarm is angry, cranky, interlectuals terrorist
– no one ever laughed in mars before santas
– santa claus come back to mars – HO HO HO HO HO HO
– toys and laughter makes stupid
– technoautomation claus (I like this one too.)
– joys through toys on mars (Sleepy me is on to something…)
– assaulting voldar the dourche
– HOORAY FOR SANTA CLAUS
I… I guess I was real tired. REAL TIRED.
Anyway, the only thing that I really enjoyed about watching this aside from forcing my girlfriend to watch it with me (She doesn’t really have the love for terrible movies that I do, which is HER LOSS, MAN.) was the sudden appearance of a polar bear when the human children are attempting to escape from the Martians while they’re at the North Pole.
I mean. That’s just a guy in a suit! That’s a guy in a suit that’s not even TRYING to be a good polar bear. He’s just LUMBERING AROUND with an enormous bear head and white footie pajamas. And it gets even worse when he’s “trying” to “attack” the kids in the cave they’re hiding in. He just sort of smashes the head around against the cave opening and then sighs and lumbers away again. It’s not like I’m expecting a real polar bear to roll up and maul these kidnapped children for my amusement, I’d just hope we’d all strive for something better than a theme park mascot from… The Weak as Shit Kingdom.
THEN. The kids leave the cave and they’re like, WHICH WAY IS NORTH WE MUST WARN SANTA. And they see lights in the distance and are like THERE IS SANTA’S WORKSHOP. And then TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES OF AGONIZING LONG TAKES HAPPEN and finally they realize that no, it’s a “threatening” robot.
THAT ROBOT IS MADE OUT OF TOILET PAPER ROLLS AND CARDBOARD BOXES. My girlfriend’s mom made her sister into a haunted house for Halloween one year using only socks and a diaper box and that shit looked more legit than this robot. And then it slowly, slooowly, SLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYY makes its way toward them in a not at all threatening manner. I could outrun this robot with two broken legs and bags of cement tied to my hands and feet.
The combination of the polar bear and the robot sent me into that hysterical ugly laughter where your head and face hurt for like an hour afterward because you couldn’t get it under control before it damaged your internal organs from head to toe. Just. A POLAR BEAAAAAAAR.
Anyway, clearly this movie was really terrible and painful to watch, but I am so grateful to have the memory of that polar bear in my brain now. FRANKLY, I was kind of offended that the people who put this giant turd together didn’t work harder. Like, you really can’t come up with things more inventive/weird than what we have on Earth? Asparagus? Kindergarten? SEPTOBER? Get out of here you lazy bastards. AND SANTA DOESN’T EVEN CONQUER ANYTHING.
I just looked like this poor girl child through the entire thing:
