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31 days of festive-ass flicks, day 13: white christmas

Here is where I will apologize for going COMPLETELY off the rails with the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks since that’s what you’re actually here to read and all. I AM SORRY. We had our TENTH annual holiday party at my place on December 10th and it took so much time to prepare and then even more time to recover once I’d gotten behind. It was totally worth it! But an explanation nonetheless.

White Christmas was up on the 7th and we actually DID watch it on the 7th, but then party prep took the reigns and we started stuttering and stumbling to find the time to watch more and I had trouble writing because I was so preoccupied with other stuff.

Also, it was hard to write about this one because I haaaaaaated it. I don’t really like musicals — or well, that’s not totally true. I am REALLY PICKY about musicals because they have a tendency to be super terrible. And that’s not my fault.

I didn’t like White Christmas because not only were the songs largely boring (the titular bit notwithstanding) but there wasn’t a single likable character to attach to. And while I can get behind loving a villain (I cried at the end of The Devil’s Rejects, okay?) I cannot get behind a bunch of boring, whiny people. ADULTS. These are supposed to be ADULTS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I also can’t stand when the entire basis of a conflict is non-communication. If Rosemary Clooney had ever once just said, “Hey, Bing, why are you selling out this dude you pretend to care so much about?” Or even HINTED at her upset, that entire dumb plot would’ve been resolved in about 30 seconds. Like, no. NO. That’s infuriating and dumb and not worth watching.

And, like, I can’t even get ANGRY about how much I hated this movie because it’s so legitimately meaningless. I don’t understand how people think this is a classic because it’s just so… forgettable. It’s FLAT. I spent the whole time thinking about what a terrible person Bing Crosby supposedly was and how small Vera-Ellen’s waist was and how much she reportedly suffered to get it and how Danny Kaye may or may not have done some kind of gay stuff while he was famous. And the rest of the time was just waiting for the movie to END.

I liked the performance of “White Christmas” and I liked the costumes and that’s where it ends. Also, I love Rosemary Clooney because I saw her in concert at the Hollywood Bowl with my grandparents when I was 12. And she was great.

I would break down all the ways in which this thing was also problematic and how righteously infuriating the “ladies looking for a husband” trope is always boring/done/awful, but I won’t because I don’t even feel like this movie was worth my time. I should have napped instead.