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31 days of festive-ass flicks, day 16: home alone

So, Home Alone was three days late [CALENDAR] and I’ve seen it at least four million times and I love it? And I feel like maybe the universe says we should all be ashamed of how much we love it? And that’s dumb. [Spoilers!]

Because, dude, this is a great movie. It’s not, like, Citizen Kane or some shit, but if you haven’t figured out that “great movie” doesn’t mean “critically acclaimed” and “universally revered” around these parts, then you need to GET IT TOGETHER. A great movie is one you love to watch. That’s simple. And I’m sticking to it.

I don’t remember watching Home Alone when I was young even though I am totally sure I did. I’m pretty sure the VHS of it is still in this house somewhere right now, just lurking. But I think it was one of those movies that I sort of pretended to have no knowledge of because I was that douchekid who thinks that being pop culturally ignorant is cool and stuff. It’s not. And as an adult I believe in doing you and loving what you want and that wanting to be cool is stupid anyway. I was cool. I’ve always been cool. I am cool. I’m awesome. And it’s never been because of what I did or did not want to watch, read, or listen to. YO.

Anyway, I don’t have any significant memory of watching this all the way through until I was in college at least but I didn’t really develop an appreciation of it until fairly recently after years of watching parts of it over and over again on cable.

I want to be able to perfectly articulate why Home Alone works and why I like it so much and why it’s so beloved, but I can’t. Partially because it’s three am and partially because it’s inarticulable. Home Alone is good because Home Alone is good. It gives us the warm and fuzzies because it’s about family and love and making mistakes and atoning for them.

Things of Note:
– All John Williams scores sound the same, but “Somewhere in my Memory” is SO GOOD anyway.
– Whoa, wait, why is that pizza boy so cute? BABEIN’ PIZZA BOY CAN GET IT.

– LOOK WHAT YOU DID YOU LITTLE JERK
– HEY FULLER EASY ON THE PEPSI

– He is so lucky he wasn’t murdered by shelves. Imagine forgetting him and then coming home to his mangled dead body?!
– FUCK YOU IF YOU STEAL MY SHIT. BUT FUCK YOU PAINFULLY AND CRUELLY IF YOU FLOOD MY FUCKING HOUSE.
– HEY HOPE DAVIS HEEEEEEEY

– Kevin McAllister is a fucking engineering genius.
– Do children not ever purchase things in this town? Why does everyone look at him like he has two heads? Sometimes eight-year-olds run in the grocery store, dang.
– I miss John Candy.
– Love you, Santa.
– The scene in the church with the old dude and his reunion with his family at the end will forever make me choke up and get all weird.
– MONOGRAMMED DOORKNOB

– I will never get over how horrifying the foot injuries in this movie are. Burn my hand? Cool. Light my head on fire? Fine. Make me step on ornaments barefoot? EAT SHIT. Make me step on a nail? I WILL MURDER EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.
– JOHN CANDY FOREVER
– Dude, how did he explain ANY of this to his family? Did he keep it a secret until well into adulthood? How do you explain that you, like, cut down a tree and fucked up some burglars and DESTROYED EVERYTHING. Does Kevin McAllister suffer from PTSD later in life? This whole string of events would have made me catatonic.
– How totally 90s is that title screen?!

ALSO, I AM SO EXCITED TO COMPLAIN. Because Netflix sent me a disc SO BADLY DAMAGED that I missed basically twelve minutes of the movie. TWELVE MINUTES. Were I new to Home Alone I would be missing large elements of stuff! Not cool, Netflix, not cool. Gratefully, my wise computer alerts me when it is skipping damaged sections. You go Macbook Pro-Coco, you go.

So yeah, Home Alone = good. Wanting to be cool = not good. Or something?