31 days of festive-ass flicks, day two: miracle on 34th street

Last night after spending all day with various incarnations of my girlfriend’s family and hanging up Christmas lights and going to see The Muppets… we STILL managed to come home and watch Miracle on 34th Street just as scheduled. [Here is the calendar if you want to check it out/follow along at home!]

Can we talk about this movie, you guys? [I HOPE IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT I AM GOING TO DISCUSS SPOILERS IN THIS POST ABOUT A SIXTY-FIVE YEAR OLD MOVIE.] I know the story obviously because I didn’t grow up in a bubble, but I had never seen it or the remake with Matilda or even that old-but-not-as-old-as-the-original made-for-TV one. I LOVED IT. I mean, really. I L-O-V-E-D it. I was losing my mind for Kris Kringle and Mr. Macy and Mr. Gimbel being grouchy, reluctant friends and ALFRED. ALFRED AKA BASICALLY THE BEST PART OF THE ENTIRE MOVIE.

these are my super scientific and exact notes about the movie

The Alfred story is kind of my favorite part of the movie and my girlfriend said it wasn’t in the remake and OF COURSE it isn’t because modern people would be like, “I don’t know, that kid seems like a pedo” because that was our immediate reaction because that’s how we’re trained to see young men: sex-crazed and out of control. But, of cooooooourse, Kris Kringle’s okay because old people are sexless. BUT clearly Alfred just wanted to make kids happy and it was so sweet and he ended up being my favorite. Move over Kris Kringle, Alfred Claus has work to do.

I spend most of the time I am watching movies (especially old movies, but new ones too, I AM LOOKING AT YOU, MUPPETS) waiting for people of color and I am always struck anew at how fucking WHITE movies are. Theresa Harris made her couple of lone appearances and gave her, like, one line and was beautiful and talented while doing it, but dang. Still always such a bummer.

Also, I couldn’t get over what a terrible person Doris is. She’s a good provider and a good example of making your way in the business world as a woman of the time and she’s kind of sassy (not as sassy as Kris Kringle tho!) and independent but, man. Like, I know you are upset because your ex broke your heart, but yo, you are not teaching your child to live in the real world you are KILLING HER IMAGINATION. She doesn’t even know how to pretend to be a damn wild animal in order to make friends. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER?! And I am always bored of the bitter-single-woman-saved-by-love story (even though this one is sweet!). But she could’ve bought a vibrator and gave herself a good time and relaxed a little bit before she RUINED HER CHILD FOREVER.

Anyway, I loved Natalie Wood’s faces in this masterpiece and she’s so cute and precocious and stuff and I love that she believes and that she is SO CUTE and does some good acting things.

AND I LOVED MOST OF ALL THAT NO ONE MENTIONED GOD AT ALL. That was great. Christmas is all presents and Santa and having faith in people and Santa and the United State Postal Service (I am CRAZY IN LOVE with the USPS. Nobody loves the Postal Service like me.) Especially after my girlfriend was like, “Matilda’s ends with IN GOD WE TRUST being the proof-maker” and then I threw up.

ALSO, I loved the little Dutch girl with a mother who essentially seems that she can’t even communicate with her new adopted child but then Kris Kringle is like, “ICH BIN EIN BERLINER” (except… in Dutch) and it’s SO GOOD. And hooray for it being a deaf girl in the remake.

ANYWAY, s my favorite part of the movie is right at the end after Natalie Wood has been disappointed by not getting a HOUSE for Christmas and something breaks in her brain and she turns into a believing-in-Santa ZOMBIE. Looooooooooooooooooooooooooove it. Cued for your viewing pleasure.