face off, “pirate treasure”

This week on Face Off

They get a treasure box full of keys and are off on a train to San Diego. I am always really bored in the beginning of the show before the make-upping starts, but this week Eric says, “I’ve never been on a train” and I am SO BLOWN AWAY BY THIS SENTENCE that I rewind it like four times. WHAT. I mean, I’ve never been on a plane but that’s a mix of poverty and fear. BUT A TRAIN?!

And then Alana says, “I’m bingo, bango, ready to go-go” and a boat falls out of my mouth because I don’t understand anything anymore.

They walk up to the HMS Surprise and get told they have to make an original pirate character in their first individual challenge and that they’ll have to base it on the inspiration locked inside the chest that GASP their key opens. I would EASILY love this show more if they cut out all the hokey bullshit and just gave everyone an assignment sheet at the beginning of the episode and left them to work. They trained them all the way to San Diego! For a three minute segment!

MacKenzie also tells them that the winner of the challenge will get an additional five grand. Wooooo.

Then there’s a long montage of sketching and explaining and blah blah and then everyone goes back to LA! To the sculpting phase!

One of the things that irritated me the most about this show last season was these LONG-ASS explanatory clips as they entered each new phase of the process that show-and-tell-ed the process. THEY WERE SO LONG. And identical every single week. They have kind of fixed that this season by showing but not telling and doing it faster and for less time. Bless.

Derek and Eric are like, “We have to sit together! Because we want to have fun!” And I’m like, “You want to sit together! So you can kind of cheat!” And I stand by this assertion. THIS AIN’T A TEAM PROJECT OKAY.

CC is this season’s “I’m not a good sketcher” and it’s a little charming on her. She’s not very interesting, but she does seem like a relatively normal human being? She is also the slow-to-start-er this season, so she’s just sitting there looking lost and confused while everyone else runs around crazily and adds useless commentary about how she looks totally lost and confused.

Alana jabs herself and starts bleeding and then runs around looking for a bandaid and is like, “I CAN’T WASTE ANY TIME ON BLEEDING” and it’s both charming and totally inane.

LOOK, there’s nothing to say at this point! The Old Dudes are going to be great. Boring white girl Laura is going to be great. They’re making dumb sea creatures! None of this part is very interesting and yet I feel totally compelled to continue watching it! I mean, I am mesmerized by the sculpting! The idea that these people can come up with an idea and and then execute it in three days is BOGGLING to me. Artists terrify me. But it’s still pretty boring!

Eric says the word steampunk and I fall into a two-day coma because NO ONE CURR. No more steampunk! ENOUGH STEAMPUNK! NO MAS. Sarah does awesome costuming! And Roy’s idea is great. And Nicole is INFURIATING because she designed her character for a male model! But she had to take a female model! And she was going to crossdress her model to get the character she wanted! And then Ve made her nervous! AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY HER CAPTAIN CAN’T JUST BE A FUCKING WOMAN! And then she’s like, “I wanted a DUDE like GRRRR” and bulks her hands out around her and I want to reach through the screen and pull each of her teeth out one by one.

Alana is having a complete and total breakdown about how young she is! And how she’s never done anything this big before! And blah blah blah. Again, there’s one of these every year. Roy’s having the CALMEST breakdown because his cowl is stuck in his mold. And I feel his pain! And he’s so CALM. And I guess there are some good things about aging?! Like not FREAKING OUT when things go wrong? I can look forward to that, right? … Anyone?

In the commercial break, they play an ad for Hot Set and my girlfriend goes, “Is that like Face Off for sets?” and I go, “Yeah, I think so.” and she goes, “They should have called it Set It Off.”

“You just want to do all these things calmly,” Rod says when we return. This is good advice, I think.

Nicole whines a bunch about how she’s never done this! And never done that! And how everyone else is doing all of this! And she doesn’t know how! And she directs all of her crazy at Tommy who stands there and absolutely does not react or respond. It’s kind of glorious. Because then he rounds everyone up to go help ALANA clean out her mold because she’s just sitting in the parking lot rocking it back and forth in her arms and crying. Or at least that’s what it looked like TO ME.

Alana is like, “THERE ARE ANGELS ALL AROUND ME” and it’s real uncomfortable.

FINALLY WE GET TO THE FUN PART. And everyone starts slapping shit on their models and ratting their hair and explaining stuff to them even though they obvs don’t give a shit.

Alana also gets injured again. Again. It’s like she’s me.

The thing that I love about this show is also the thing I hate: the show isn’t about the people as much as it’s about the work. Which is great to watch and love! But is terrible to write about it. Because mostly I’m like, “POOR ROD. HIS HAND! OH ALANA DAMN IT STOP GETTING HURT! GOOD WORK, GUYS. OH YOU’RE HELPING EACH OTHER I AM SO GLAD!” And that’s not compelling. I hate the judges more than any cast member who has ever been on the show. Oh, wait. I hate Glenn Hetrick more than any other cast member. I am untroubled by Ve Neill or the new guy. I spend every moment that Glenn is speaking going, “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SPIRIT GUM YOUR MOUTH CLOSED.”

My girlfriend and I have decided that the character reveal should be anonymous to the judges. I can’t believe it’s not set up that way, actually. It would eliminate the mid-work visit by a judge, but who cares? That part is dumb anyway. Listen up, Face Off people, you make the reveal anonymous next season!


Rod: The seahorse thing is REAL LITERAL. I’m actually surprised he didn’t give her a tail. I hate the paint job because it’s so pastel, but the silhouette is good.

Eric: Dumb and ugly! His sketch and design were SO SOLID, even if he wanted it to be steampunk or whatever, but it looks like a shitty cartoon character. AWFUL.

Roy: His dagger design is unbelievable. He built a beautiful and badass character with really solid, clean application. She is awesome to look at and she looks like she could beat the shit out of you. SO good.

Tommy: I don’t know how to feel about this?! Like, it’s an overall good design, but it feels like a Spongebob Squarepants character. The paint job is also really, really flat.

Nicole: Her paint job is pretty good and I actually really like the design and appliances on the face, but she, like, jammed a sail through this captain for the ship in a bottle bit and it just looks really weird and poorly realized.

CC: YIKES. Boring and flat and lifeless and bleh. Bleeeeeeeeeeeeh. He looks like a Klingon.

Derek: Outshines his brother by a mile, but it’s still kind of weak. The face appliance is a great shape, but his paint job isn’t really selling it.

Sarah: IIIIIIIIIIII LOOOOOOOOOOVE ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.The costume! The hair! The texture! The spines! The paint job is GR8 and I’m into the overall look.

Jason: The belly appliance with the tentacle coming out of it actually made me start wanting to spit really bad, so he did a deece job on that at least. And I guess his character has a lot of character, but it’s just very cartoony. This is apparently a problem this week. It’s also pretty crappy.

Alana: Looks like an alien with really big ears. Like a bat? I don’t even know anymore.

Laura: RAAAAAAAAAGE. Okay, not rage, but like. This is a good make-up! It’s a good design! She’s very talented! And it’s really well executed! But it’s cartoony and uneven! The face and the costume should be in different universes.

The judges poking and prodding reveals that Sarah’s yellow goo works and is cool as hell. Sarah is rapidly becoming my favorite.

Tommy, Nicole, Rod, Derek, and Alana are all safe this week and I guess I approve, man.

Like, obvs Sarah and Roy are going to be the top this week and Jason and CC are going to be the bottom. I’m fine with either going home because they are boring. SO BORING. Sarah should win because I like her.

The judges are mean to Eric and I appreciate it because that fucking spyglass was AWFUL. SO AWFUL. I honestly can’t believe how drastic the difference between his sketch and his work is. He should do the design and his brother should do the work. LAWD.

Roy stands up and has a logline story about his character and it is GREAT and he is so spirited and confident and I CAN’T HELP IT, I always love the experienced guys on this thing. They know how to sell what they’re doing. And they do it. This is just a bomb make-up and design and that’s GR8. But I still want Sarah to win because.

Glenn points out that CC is directionless and they’re all like, “It’s not successful!” and the new guy is like, “It’s a FACE FLUTE” and I’m living for it a little. CC takes it well. You go, honey. It’ll all be okay.

Sarah comes out and they L-O-V-E her because DUH have you seen her sea urchin woman?! DO YOU HAVE WORKING EYES?!

Jason comes up and is like, “Uh… he was going to steal jewels, but then there were, like, octopus” and I fall asleep for three days and when I wake up, he is still just standing there blankly. DULLARD.

Laura is very boring and thus I have forgotten she was even there. Her piece is good, but I just don’t think it’s as awesome as either Roy or Sarah. It’s GREAT. Like, she’s falling perfectly into her role as an unremarkable but skilled white girl.


And then CC goes home! Because she’s boring and her design was dumb and also she did it badly. Bye, CC. Whomp whomp.

Next week, the make-ups have to survive a dance routine. Which is kind of intense because that was the FINAL challenge last year. HOW MUCH MORE INTENSE CAN IT GET.