YOU GUYS, tonight I actually managed to finish watching all of the movies for 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] and I have never felt so FREE. I don’t EVER have to watch a holiday movie again if I don’t want to! I AM DONE. Now I just have to write eight more posts. CRIES. Starting with this one.
Movie number 24 was Trading Places which, despite my love of 80s movies, I had managed to never see.
I really liked it. And I laughed a lot. And I cringed a lot. And I reignited my passion for Jamie Lee Curtis a lot. And it was funny and good and enjoyable and nicely set into a holiday tradition of dark humor and capitalist critique.
This is another one where I wrote a lot of notes, but where they don’t really say anything of value/interest. And where I haven’t formed any particular coherent/interesting observations to make. It’s basically a lot of me going OH WHAT YES I LOVE IT DAN AYKROYD FOREVER JAMIE LEE CURTIS EDDIE MURPHY COLEMAN THE BUTLER OH I LOVE THIS OH NO NOT BLACKFACE JIM BELUSHI OH THAT IS THE WORST PERSON IN GORILLA SUIT EVER AND THEN THE “REAL” GORILLA IS ALMOST WORSE WAIT NO BESTIALITY RAPE JOKES OH LORD THEM FACES
And, like, that’s not real interesting.
I liked that Eddie Murphy just like, takes to the job no problem. And I love him distrusting everything. And I love Jamie Lee Curtis taking Dan Aykroyd in like the beautiful perfect broken baby bird that he is. And I love them scheming and taking down those old fuckers and stuff.
Anyway, STUFF:
I LOVED the old-ass technology. Car phones! Green-on-black computers! Everything is so almost-current-but-so-many-years-behind in this. LOVE IT. The 80s were a good time to have money.
Love the flawless 80s decorating. Oversized plants and vases and black bathroom fixtures. And Eddie Murphy awkwardly bathing in them.
Super-erotic arrested Dan Aykroyd.
Eddie Murphy breaking the fourth wall and STARING HARD when they’re explaining bacon to him. Like, this got the hardest laugh out of me BY FAR. I rewound it like four times and laughed harder every time.
Dream couple?!
THAT STUPID HIDEOUS TERRIBLE GORILLA OH GOD
And last, my favorite. Eddie Murphy’s and Dan Aykroyd’s little SMILES when they’re in the train station with Coleman the Butler and Jamie Lee Curtis. Just. I died forever. THEM FACES 5EVER.
So, yeah, I liked it a lot and I will likely watch it many more times in my life.
And as always, gawd bless festive breasts.*
* I hope my appreciation of nudity in movies comes off with the lighthearted intention with which it is written. I think it’s pretty clear by now that I am a feminist and that I also love bodies of all kinds and that I am also SUPER pro-nudity. We exist in a culture that has and continues to systematically base a woman’s worth on her appearance and that shouldn’t be the case. No woman should ever be coerced, forced, shamed, or made to feel worthless because of her decision to show or not show her nude body in any place or media. I hope that Jamie Lee Curtis showed her wonderful breasts of her own choice and with the great gusto they deserve. I really love her character too and I hope that we’re nearing the day where she could’ve appeared in this without having to be a love interest.
Day 23 of the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was This Christmas which I have seen before and already loved a lot even though it contains that stupid, violent, abusive, misogynistic piece of shit Chris Brown. [Spoilers, probably.]
I don’t have a lot to say about this movie because I just like it. It’s just one of those movies that is on tv a lot and I sit through it and I laugh and I feel very pleased and warm when it’s over. I love movies about families and I love movies about “dysfunctional” families — aka families that are at least partially realistic/have issues/kind of resemble mine sometimes — even more because love through hardship is NOT EASY and it’s important. Loving in a happy family is easy, being a loving, happy family through strife is not.
I like the Whitfields. These are people I want to know, that I want to spend time with. The women are sassy and strong. Then men are conscientious and loyal. These are good people who have had hard times emotionally and come out happy and successful. They are people currently enduring strife with… grace?
Plus, damn, what a cast. I love basically all these people. Loretta Devine! Idris Elba! Lupe Ontiveros! Mekhi Phifer! Columbus Short! Regina King! Plus, the actors do a Soul Train line at the end as themselves and basically that’s worth the entire movie in delightfulness.
There are problematic aspects: lots of slut-shaming and Regina King violently attacks her husband for cheating on her (though I honest can’t blame her which is worth examining in and of itself). But it’s a solid movie.
This was the first movie that made me think about the idea of the Other Holiday. With Nothing Like the Holidays, The Preacher’s Wife, and A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas, This Christmas makes four movies I’ve watched in this project with primary casts comprised of people of color. (I’m also watching Trading Places but it doesn’t really qualify in the same way.)
People of color don’t normally get to see themselves as a primary cast member period, let alone an entire cast. Like, that’s insane to me. INSANE. I keep trying to find the right ways to articulate this, but honestly, I’m just a white person with privilege trying to work this shit out. MOVIES ARE SO FUCKING WHITE. And I don’t get it. I just don’t. And I don’t understand how movies keep getting made with no characters of color. Or only secondary or tertiary characters of color. It’s such an idiotic thing to me that I honestly feel like I lose my mind trying to talk about it.
Movie companies still think we’re all racist. Movie companies are still treating white people as the default and people of color as the other. It’s INFURIATING. And we will never get to a place of actual, legitimate, valuable equality if we can’t even get past it in our media.
I wish I were smart enough to talk about this more clearly, but I just go into a rage blackout just thinking about it. And that’s coming from a place of extreme privilege. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to BE a person of color in this culture.
Another issue I wish I were smart enough to talk about is that all four of the movies I am talking about feature prominent incidents of gun violence. Four movies with people of color in leading roles, four movies featuring gun violence. Even taking Harold and Kumar off the table (for a variety of reasons, the first being that it isn’t grounded in reality in the same way that the other three are — even with the angel in The Preacher’s wife, haha) there are three holiday movies with young men of color using guns in threatening acts.
I don’t know how to talk about that or what it means, but I noticed it and I remembered it and I continue to think about it.
None of that helps me explain why I like This Christmas though. I like seeing representation! I like the story of the family at the heart of this movie. I like these characters! I love Ma’Dere and I love Joe and I love Kelli. I love the easy way they talk to each other and how authentic the dialogue feels between siblings. I love how smart and driven and loving and kind and devoted and scared and flawed and brave the various characters are, alone and in combination. And I always love a movie that comes down to the value of forgiveness and the joy and importance of being together as a family.
Day 22 of 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was the atrocious Santa Claus Conquers the Martians which we watched only one day late! It was on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and spoofed on Cinematic Titanic. It’s terrible. [Spoilers!]
The thing about this movie is… It wasn’t really bad enough to laugh at? I’ve seen most of the MST3K episode and it’s pretty good, but I wanted to just watch the straight-up movie and it was just. so. bad. Like, almost unbearably so. Like, I was just begging for it to end and it WOULDN’T. It was EXCRUCIATING. But not because it was bad enough to be mockable — well, it is, but not in a fun way? — but because it’s sooooooooooo booooooooooooooooring.
I don’t even have anything interesting to say. I tried. OH I TRIED SO HARD. But you’re just going to have to deal with my notes, okay. DEAL WITH IT.
– Why does Winky the elf have a hard line to the Martian people and their appearance?
– They have exact Earth food on Mars? You can come up with jelly bean food pills, but they still eat chocolate cake and asparagus?
– DAMN IT MAMA I HAD TO SLEEP SPRAY THEM KIDS AGAIN
– They go to KINDERGARTEN on Mars too?!
– SEPTOBER?!
– What? Why would a news reporter ever be like, OH WE THINK THAT UFO IS ACTUALLY ALIENS EVEN THOUGH THE GOVERNMENT SAYS THEY’RE TOTALLY NOT AND EVERYTHING IS FINE. PS: TOTALLY ALIENS.
– OH OH DROPO IS BILL MCCUTCHEON.
And then things start to get weird because I kind of half fell asleep but I kept writing and then waking up and trying to figure it out and. Yeah. Transcribed exactly as written for your enjoyment.
– ohmgus robos
– santa’s so idiot
– a martianmellow (IDK what this means, but I LIKE IT.)
– voldarm is angry, cranky, interlectuals terrorist
– no one ever laughed in mars before santas
– santa claus come back to mars – HO HO HO HO HO HO
– toys and laughter makes stupid
– technoautomation claus (I like this one too.)
– joys through toys on mars (Sleepy me is on to something…)
– assaulting voldar the dourche
– HOORAY FOR SANTA CLAUS
I… I guess I was real tired. REAL TIRED.
Anyway, the only thing that I really enjoyed about watching this aside from forcing my girlfriend to watch it with me (She doesn’t really have the love for terrible movies that I do, which is HER LOSS, MAN.) was the sudden appearance of a polar bear when the human children are attempting to escape from the Martians while they’re at the North Pole.
I mean. That’s just a guy in a suit! That’s a guy in a suit that’s not even TRYING to be a good polar bear. He’s just LUMBERING AROUND with an enormous bear head and white footie pajamas. And it gets even worse when he’s “trying” to “attack” the kids in the cave they’re hiding in. He just sort of smashes the head around against the cave opening and then sighs and lumbers away again. It’s not like I’m expecting a real polar bear to roll up and maul these kidnapped children for my amusement, I’d just hope we’d all strive for something better than a theme park mascot from… The Weak as Shit Kingdom.
THEN. The kids leave the cave and they’re like, WHICH WAY IS NORTH WE MUST WARN SANTA. And they see lights in the distance and are like THERE IS SANTA’S WORKSHOP. And then TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES OF AGONIZING LONG TAKES HAPPEN and finally they realize that no, it’s a “threatening” robot.
THAT ROBOT IS MADE OUT OF TOILET PAPER ROLLS AND CARDBOARD BOXES. My girlfriend’s mom made her sister into a haunted house for Halloween one year using only socks and a diaper box and that shit looked more legit than this robot. And then it slowly, slooowly, SLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYY makes its way toward them in a not at all threatening manner. I could outrun this robot with two broken legs and bags of cement tied to my hands and feet.
The combination of the polar bear and the robot sent me into that hysterical ugly laughter where your head and face hurt for like an hour afterward because you couldn’t get it under control before it damaged your internal organs from head to toe. Just. A POLAR BEAAAAAAAR.
Anyway, clearly this movie was really terrible and painful to watch, but I am so grateful to have the memory of that polar bear in my brain now. FRANKLY, I was kind of offended that the people who put this giant turd together didn’t work harder. Like, you really can’t come up with things more inventive/weird than what we have on Earth? Asparagus? Kindergarten? SEPTOBER? Get out of here you lazy bastards. AND SANTA DOESN’T EVEN CONQUER ANYTHING.
I just looked like this poor girl child through the entire thing:
Day 21 of 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was Elf which I’ve already talked about some here. I actually watched this one the day I was supposed to! (Don’t worry, it won’t last.) [Spoilers!]
I love Elf. I really do. Every time I go to watch it, I think, “This will be the time it breaks and I’ll just like it” but instead I love it. I love it more and more and more each time.
It has the right mix of nostalgia and modernness to feel really, really current, but also have the sweetness of it not come off as cloying or fake. It’s got all the right feelings about family and love and the meaning of the holidays. It’s got an outstanding cast. I mean, seriously. Will Ferrell, Zooey Deschanel (in one of the few non-manic pixie dream girl roles of her career), Peter Dinklage, Amy Sedaris, Ed Asner, Bob Newhart, Mary Steenburgen, and James Caan. ALL IN THE SAME MOVIE. And they’re all so good and perfectly cast and clearly John Favreau knew what he was doing. It could’ve stood at least another character of color, but Faizon Love is GREAT and present at least.
This movie relies totally on Will Ferrel selling Buddy as a character and thankfully, he does. I feel like, if Jim Carrey had played the Grinch closer to what Ferrell does in this, that movie would be a whole lot better than it is. Buddy is funny and energetic and obnoxious and tender and sweet and innocent and naive and oblivious and wonderful. Buddy can’t understand the world around him because he expects it to be good. I mean, Buddy’s first hard lesson is that his dad is on the naughty list! Buddy doesn’t understand malice. Which is awkwardly communicated in the scene with Peter Dinklage that is so awful-awkward-painful that I have to cover my eyes.
And it’s not just coming from elf culture either because the dialogue and actions of other elves clearly indicate that their world behaves similarly to the human one. Buddy is a special case, fitting into neither elf nor human worlds, but finding a way to straddle the two and bring joy to people.
Perfect Moments:
– “That’s shocking.” when he sees how low the spirit of Christmas is. Ferrell’s delivery there is SO ON POINT. It kills me.
– “Thanks, Mr. Narwhal!”
– “It’s nice to meet another human with my affinity for elf culture.”
– The amaaaaaaazing decorations he puts up for Santa so that his friend can be greeted properly.
– Sitting outside the shower and mumbling along until he can’t resist and has to sing louder.
– Making breakfast for everyone and destroying the entertainment center to make a rocking horse.
– Eating cotton balls in the doctor’s office.
– Christmas tree viewing.
– Ice-skating kisses. “You missed!” And how confused he is by it and she is so sweet and sassy.
– “Buddy the elf, what’s your favorite color?”
– “Watch out for the yellow ones, they don’t stop!”
– Every beautiful pan of holiday New York accompanied by the MOST PERFECT, PERFECT holiday soundtrack.
I love that Buddy’s story becomes a book. And I love that he’s reading it to kids at the end. I love that Walter won’t sing until his kid calls him out on it. I love Santa. I LOVE the Central Park Rangers and that ominous shot of them looking for Santa.
I love that they go home to the North Pole and make the cutest, happiest little human-elf family. Can you even imagine how happy Papa Elf is?!
Suffice it to say, Elf is going to stay one of my Christmas favorites for a long, long time.
Day 20 of 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was Meet Me in St. Louis and I managed to watch it only a day late. GO ME I AM THE BEST. [Spoilers!]
I didn’t expect to like this one at all. Judy Garland movies always make me SO SAD and it’s a musical and there are lots of ladies looking for husbands. The entirety of my pre-planning notes for this one was, “ONLY WATCHING THIS FOR THE DAMN SONG” because “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is my very favorite Christmas song and I figured I ought to give the movie that spawned it a shot. But I ended up really kind of loving it.
There was way, way too much singing. Which is just, you know, something that happens when you watch a musical, but I even liked some of the songs that weren’t “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”! AND THE CHOREOGRAPHY STUFF WAS KIND OF OKAY! And I even liked the romancery stuff.
I loved Judy Garland a lot and I thought she was really sweet and beautiful and sassy, but not as sassy as her AMAZING sister Lucille Bremer. I LOVED ROSE/LUCILLE BREMER. Like, no joke. How did this woman not work more? I don’t understand? Sassy, beautiful, redhead with comedic timing and she only has like ten credits? Was the world not ready? I love you, Lucille Bremer, you should’ve been crazy famous.
I’m not going to talk about the sisterly scene of BDSM. I mean, who knew they could depict 1903 so progressively.
I loved that Tootie was just a BIG OL’ WEIRDO of a child, planning funerals for her dolls and riding on the ice truck and freaking out and smashing snowpeople because she can’t bear to leave St. Louis for New York.
Which, let’s establish that these are the worst fake snowpeople in history. I don’t think the set dressers at MGM had ever seen snow before. PROTIP: snow does not look like drywall spackle.
LET’S TALK ABOUT HALLOWEEN OKAY. Why were children in 1903 so MEAN. Going door to door throwing flour in people’s faces and stealing stuff and BURNING SHIT IN THE STREET.
Like, WHAT?! And all encouraged and dressed by their parents and neighbors. Go on, honey, GO OUT AND TORTURE EVERYONE AND STEAL STUFF AND CAUSE PROPERTY DAMAGE. What even? Those horrible, beastly children.
BUT, I loved Tootie getting injured and then lying and then Judy Garland going over and just SLAPPING her neighbor boyfriend like an absolutely out-of-control raging crazy person. YOU BEAT UP MY SISTER. SLAP SLAP SLAP. And then when she realizes she’s wrong he’s like, HEH IT’S OKAY. “No worse than football practice but it’s better with a girl.” And then KISSES HER. Like this is all a totally normal thing to have happen. WHAT IS GOING ON IN ST. LOUIS?!
I love Grandpa and I love the babely brother taking Rose to the dance. And I love Grandpa taking Judy Garland to the dance because Rose was like, “You have to go, I can’t handle twenty men alone!”
I loved Katie the Maid and Momma and the other sister who didn’t talk much and the brother and hot John Truitt and the really babely lady who shows up at the Christmas party and is like, OH ROSE THIS BRO LOVES YOU SO MUCH, I’M NOT HERE TO BE IN THE WAY! Because what a classy as hell broad.
I liked this movie so much that I barely took a half a page of notes. And most of those are from the party when everyone is dancing and singing because I could not get over how weird it would be to do that. Like, yo, living before television and radio and stuff was WEIRD and terrible. And I wouldn’t have been dancing in my living room and singing songs with my little sister and hiding hats in breadboxes. I would have been sitting in my room reading, praying for a technological revolution.
“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” was perfect-beautiful-flawless-amazing-angelic. Judy Garland is a beautiful perfect queen angel from heaven. I was so moved, I too wanted to protest having to move to New York.
Look at me, loving old-timey movies and shit.
In conclusion, here’s my favorite version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”:
