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I take great pride in being unembarrassable. Incapable of shame. I think of myself as existing Above and Beyond the mortal realm of humiliation. Some of that’s an act, obviously, because I am still human despite my best efforts. But by committing to the act for so long, it’s become truer and truer as time goes on. I don’t get embarrassed at things that I know other people would and I’m often joyfully and enthusiastically willing to do dumb shit out loud and in public that would likely horrify other people. I just want to be myself. If other people don’t like it, well. That’s not really a me problem, is it?
So, recently, I made a tank top. I had envisioned this shirt — I wanted a floral print tank top, fairly femme, and I wanted big white iron-on letters spelling out GET BENT across the chest. I say and write, “Get bent” a lot. I like that it’s both pretty aggressive and weirdly inoffensive. I like that the delivery can really sell your meaning. I like that it’s kind of old school.
I wanted this shirt in time to go to a concert in Denver and Crystal helped me get it made in a hotel room in Wyoming since we don’t actually own an iron with which to iron-on letters. I got frustrated and wanted to quit, but she made me persist! Because she is a very good wife and carries me through when I try to wimp out on stuff.
So I made this shirt! And it turned out fucking great! And I wore it to the show in Denver for Frank Iero and the Future Violents! And I took a picture with the whole band in it! And I have worn it a couple times since, including to see Ghost in Minneapolis and Ludo in St. Louis and I’ve gotten a bunch of compliments on it! Especially from drunken middle-aged women! Including a couple who have gently grabbbed me in the friendly way that only women can and went, “GET BENT! HA! That is GREAT!” And I get the bonus of getting to watch men look at my chest, read it, then look up at my face as they interpret it as a message for them and that is… Transcendent.
So I have warm feelings for this shirt and I’m happy about its existence. But then, while perusing Tumblr as I am now occasionally wont to do because the whole internet is a wasteland and who needs principles anyway, I came across a picture of the Frank Iero from Frank Iero and the Future Violents playing with his Future Violents about a week before I saw them in Denver. In the photo, he is holding his guitar flipped up against him so the back is showing. (He often puts words on the back of his guitars — numbers, his kids’ initials, whatever — so not unusual to see writing there.) But on this guitar… It says… Get… Bent…
 And. You know. Coincidences, right?! Frank Iero and I have… similar tastes? We are… close in age? It is… Not weird! That we would both! Be partial! To the phrase! Get bent!
But also, Frank Iero was/is (DON’T GET ME STARTED! The last week has been WILD.) a member of My Chemical Romance and has fans who are… Very Devoted! And they sometimes dress up like him and/or his My Chemical Romance bandmates! And then go to his shows! With his new band! And would probably very much make a shirt that said something he had put on one of his guitars!
And… while I love and respect these fans Very Much because they are, let’s face it, the ones who make the gears turn, the machines work, the reunions happen, I am… Just… Not one of them. Which is fine! I am obsessive and devoted in my own way!
But the idea… that Frank Iero might have looked at this shirt I was wearing while I was PAYING TO MEET HIM (An already, admittedly, kind of mortifying thing to do!) and which I had very clearly made myself… And thought I did it… Because he has that same phrase… on one of his guitars… … …
The Retroactive Embarrassment…. My soul left my body… I transmuted briefly into a toad as if cursed by a wizard I had wronged… I curled so deeply into myself that I returned to my fetal form… When what was left of my soul finally returned to my wombless wormy body, I burst outward into Humiliation Fireworks and then slowly returned to the earth as embers and ash… My body reassembling piece by piece… Even now, thinking about it, the molten lava of residual shame is the only glue holding me together.
I’m still gonna keep wearing it though.
October 2019 was, without a doubt, one of the worst months of my entire life! My mom had a heart attack, heart surgery, some accompanying strokes, was in a medically induced coma for a while, and only just got home after three weeks in the hospital. She’s doing much better, thankfully, and she’s home now, but because the hospital she was in is two hours from us, it was a much more complicated and exhausting situation than even the average medical emergency we’ve experienced and I am grateful for every possible reason that it’s over. May November be kinder? Please?
 I started reading this just as before my mom’s emergency started and it was an immensely welcome distraction while dealing with hospital stuff and waiting waiting waiting and also any time my brain started to spiral into thoughts I couldn’t control. I’m sure this whole series will show up on my end of year list, so I won’t say too much, but the fact that I could get lost in this, even in the midst of some of the worst days of my life and that it could offer me some substantial relief from my own thoughts is genuinely a testament to its immersive world and engaging characters.
 We saw Ghost live in Minneapolis this month and OH MY GOD, what a freakin’ show! Theatrics! Goofy stage banter! Pyrotechnics! Guitar solos! Masked, ~anonymous musicians! A sinister pope playing the saxophone! A keytar! Fog! A packed audience chanting ominously to Satan! Fans in costumes! The weirdest, most random, mixed-up audience I’ve ever been part of! Drunk older women coming up to tell me how much they love my Get Bent tank top! I super recommend going to see them if you get the chance at any point, even if you don’t think it’s your thing. This show was just bonkers and I will definitely get out to the see them again as soon as humanly possible.
 We’re in St. Louis right now and it’s beautiful here. I am all about this good Fall Shit and I am soaking it the hell in every second that we’re here. Fall came and went in about a week here and I am sure we’ll return to frigid misery, so I will take what Missouri will give me and say thank you.
And three to look forward to…
  
Here’s some more stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!
setting my cruise control to 73 instead of 75 is the vehicular equivalent of dragging my feet
but what would i do with my time if i wasn’t constantly combatting intrusive thoughts every waking moment of every day
i thought there were only two men and a danny devito on it’s always sunny, but it turns out there are THREE men and a danny devito and some of the things i have seen on the internet about this show make,,, slightly more sense now. but still very little sense, abstractly.
sure it LOOKS like i’m wearing pajamas in public and sure, maybe they ARE pajamas, but have you considered that, most importantly, they are also DIRTY pajamas?
everybody’s a damn lyft driver and everybody’s headlights are too damn bright!!!
mbti is just astrology for people who believe in bootstrap ideology
as a youth i assumed everyone was gay and there has been no greater disappointment of my adult life than realizing that lots of people are ACTUALLY straight
you got a cemetery that you refer to as ‘the one we got locked in?’ cuz i sure do
sure i COULD set my alarm for later but would the extra sleep be as satisfying without waking up every 9 minutes, terrified and wracked with guilt????
“live laugh love” should be “laugh love live” in order from easiest to hardest and also best to absolute fucking worst
I do still use Twitter, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world, you know?
Here’s some more stuff I refrained from posting on the internet until now!
yesterday at the grocery store the lady in front of me’s total came to $69.71 and i closed my eyes, tipped my head up and went, “SO close” but thankfully neither she nor the young guy working the register heard me and i did not have to deal with the repercussions of that particular choice
i held the door for a youth with a burgeoning pornstache at the post office and and said, “after you” and he gave me that long-necked head bob that elongated men cartoon characters do and then said, “badass” ????
u know how it’s hard to stop yourself from talking about yr hyperfixations and u can feel it like, just… coming out of u from the deep depths like an unstoppable rush of water from a broken main? same, but also my most potent hyperfixation is… myself and it is,,, bad
ONCE AGAIN i have spent money and felt a brief orgasmic thrill and now… only misery
i just want straight white men to stop making things, i want them to not be in charge of anything anymore, i just want to be free of their shit… please… please… they had their turn, please make them stop
crustal forced me to finally watch the original star wars trilogy at fuckin gunpoint while i was vulnerable and lonely 1300 miles away from everything i knew and loved and 8 years later she refuses to get amped with me about going to see the last star war in theaters!!!!! marriage is a sham!!!!!!!
sometimes you gotta feel better by feeling really really really bad on purpose
drove past a girl who got pulled over this morning and she was taking a selfie with the cop car lights behind her and 1. this is something only a white person could do and 2. i strangely respect the energy of it
til it’s better to have an alive spider on your body than a dead spider because the alive spider also does not want to be on you unlike a dead spider which cannot have a preference
I do still use Twitter, @ashrocketship, so you know… Don’t miss out on those either. Because I’m a real gift to the world, you know?
I’m 34. I’ve been 34 for a little while and I’ll be 35 fairly soon. I’m an adult. I own a house. I get oil changes when my car tells me to. I get up and go to my job five days a week and work 40 to 50 hours. I help keep two animals and two adult people alive. I pay my bills on time. I successfully use most of the fresh food I buy. I get a flu shot every year. I have a skincare routine. I usually have clean clothes when I need them. I’m never late to things.
I will never, ever, as long as I am alive, make my fucking bed every morning.
First of all, I’m not doing anything because a fucking Navy Admiral tells me to. Second of all, making your bed prevents your sweaty sheets from drying out adequately enough to kill the bacteria and microbes that thrive in them. Third, and most importantly, I. Don’t. Want. To.
And, like always, I am here, not to shame the bed-makers (Do your thing, whatever makes you happy, etc.) but to tell you that you also do not have to make your fucking bed every fucking morning, especially not just because a whole bunch of people say you should.
I do all those ‘adult’ things up there without making my bed in the morning or, actually, ever unless I just changed the sheets and am feeling fussy/fancy/froggy. I do all of those ‘adult’ things despite and in the face of my sometimes debilitating depression and anxiety. I do all those ‘adult’ things to keep myself alive even though sometimes I’d rather not be alive at all.
So many of our conceptual notions of adulthood are based on some Baby Boomer’s idea of what you should be doing at 25 and 30 and 35, but 2019 isn’t 1979 and I have zero desire to base my lifestyle habits on the opinions of people who believe in bootstrap ideology and think c+ping a block of incoherent text somehow protects the intellectual property rights for the Minion memes they share on Facebook.
Life is so, so short. Please stop beating yourself up because you can’t or don’t want to do things that other people say are necessary for success. If you woke up this morning, you’re already ahead. Figure out what feels like success to you, what feels like achievement, like progress, like action, like functioning and define yourself. Everyone’s normal looks different and there is such a good chance that you’re doing just fine in life, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
You ultimately have so little control over the way life plays out, decide what adds value to yours whenever you can and ignore what other people have to say about it. You don’t have to make your bed. You don’t have to define success with other people’s words. You’re doing just fine.
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