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Day 6: What You Did Today In Great Detail
So this week I had these Really Grand Plans about how I was going to BLOG and I was going to get on a SCHEDULE and do this thing in a way that proves how much I actually love blogging and writing and stuff (because I actually DO, despite what my entry calendar says) but then I got sick and barfed up orange foam and spent three days in bed. So. Best laid plans of mice and men and fat chicks and stuff.
But I am climbing out of the stench pit that is my bed and getting myself together by continuing on with that long-ignored 30 day meme thing. Day 6 is “Your Day in Great Detail” and I had initially planned to a day in the life photo thing, but then decided that would probably be EVEN MORE BORING than just reading about what I did today.
So today, I got up and ate breakfast when my gf left for work because I had a headache and needed food to take Advil without barfing, but then went back to sleep and slept late-ish and had SUPER WEIRD dreams about fighting with my friend and then got up and dicked around on the internet a lot (I spend lots of time on Tumblr, like any good internet-human at this moment in time, and also caught up on my greader stuff) while monitoring whether I had a fever or not and also being mopey and kind of smelly even though I took a hot, happy shower last night and made sure to scrub all the foldy places at least twice. Illness, what a bitch. And also watched some HGTV and TeenNick because basically those are my life right now, OKAY.
Then my sister came over and I got attacked in a loving manner by her dog which is actually a fucking MOOSE pretending to be a dog. And we hung out and made fun of my mom (who was present, obviously, we aren’t terrible children) and watched the Michael Jackson doctor trial and talked about OJ and how televising trials is icky and weird and uncomfortable. Then we had lunch and hung out some more and I showed them the trailer for the MissRepresentation thing because they talked about it on Ellen and then my sister left and I spent a large portion of the subsequent hours painting my nails.
Then updating my iPhone and then playing with new stuff and being PIST that I can’t put Newsstand into another folder because I really and truly am so anal retentive that this is what my iPhone situation looks like:
 
Home and lock screens have to be coordinated, only three things on the dock because those are the only three I absolutely use every single day, and NORMALLY only one page of apps. BUT AS YOU CAN TELL BY THAT SECOND DOT. Newsstand lurks now on page two, just out of sight, but never out of mind… haunting me…
Then I ate dinner with my gf when she got home and watched some tv and laughed at the dogs and then I helped her sync her phone and iPad and ALL THE THINGS and fought with her shitty laptop because I am a real good gf. Then I spent time fixing our tv so it would stop making us click through channels that we don’t subscribe to. And examining the many things we have on the DVR that we need to watch because it’s getting full. And then we watched nothing instead.
I put her to bed and then I sat here on the internet and wrote some stuff and made some stuff and ate an ice cold cheeseburger from McDonald’s because I truly enjoy the finest things in life and am now drinking a Diet Pepsi with fresh squeezed lime juice in it and after I post THIS will go dick around on Tumblr and queue up some posts until I get tired enough to go to sleep in like an hour or so. [EXCEPT FOR WHERE DREAMHOST DECIDED TO DO SERVICE BUT I NEVER GOT AN EMAIL ABOUT THIS SO I DIDN’T GET TO POST IT UNTIL AFTER FIVE AM. I HAD TO FILL THE TIME WITH LIVEJOURNAL AND DISNEY CARTOONS FROM THE 2000S AND ANGRY TWITTERS OH GOD.]
WHO RUNS THE WORLD? I RUN THE WORLD.
Fun fact: the pictures where my palms are turned up are REALLY HARD AND PAINFUL for me to take because both of my wrists have scar tissue in them from being broken that kind of prevents them from working the way normal wrists work. The things I endure for my ART.
OKAY SINCE I PROMISED TO TALK ABOUT IT: The gf and I came back to California! KCNOMO. Home where we belong.
I’m not going to explain in as much detail as I had planned on, but we have been back in L.A. for almost a month and OH MAN did I miss it so much more than I even thought I did. Basically: I left on my terms. I left with good experience and good feelings. I don’t regret going. And I got to do one of my dream jobs for three months. Not so bad!!
But whatever, that part is boring since I am still not going to talk about my actual work, so moving on:
THINGS I WILL MISS ABOUT KCMO:
1. bbq
2. small, accessible downtown
3. no traffic
4. fat people out in the world doing things!
5. old architecture
6. my job
7. having my own apartment
8. the income from my job
9. the weather
10. the awesome people at my job
11. steak ‘n’ shake
12. frozen custard
13. the cicada noise (only a little)
14. the amc main street and olathe studio 28 theaters (NO JOKE)
15. the fountains!
16. my landlady/kcmo momma
17. the hyvee
THINGS I WILL NOT MISS ABOUT KCMO:
1. getting my car vandalized
2. assholes who steal assigned parking spaces
3. cicada noise
4. DRIVERS
5. having to drive into a different state for a decent grocery store
6. phony niceness
7. SPORTS — gawd bless l.a. where no one gives a shit
8. weather
9. did I mention the fucking spectacularly terrible driving?
10. ridiculously low speed limits EVERYWHERE
There are more things I won’t miss, but I’m not going to kick the midwest while it’s down. I mean, it already lost me, it seems mean to also tear it to shit while I’m at it.
SO I AM HOME NOW. And job-hunting. Which is giving me so much anxiety and my gf is being SO AMAZING and patient and stuff. And everyone has been so excited about our return and supportive and yadda yadda, I am surrounded by really good people, gross.
Enjoy my face over the last two weeks. Such a good face. The best face.
So I’m trying not to feel weird and bummed about my internship and my attempts at avoidance are not going particularly well (and I will explain regardless of the outcome once I actually know what the outcome is) so I’m going to BLOG. The internet is millennial therapy, NO JOKE.
So my girlfriend has been trying to get me to watch the original Star Wars trilogy for… the entire four years I have known her? Because she was legitimately horrified that I hadn’t seen it. (I saw the third prequel in theaters, that counts for… absolutely nothing.) But I get sooooooooooooo impatient with sci-fi and fantasy that I can’t sit through anything. ANYTHING. Name a fantasy or sci-fi movie or series and there is an almost-certainty that I will not have seen it. Lord of the Rings? No. The Matrix? No. OG Star Trek? No. Battlestar Galactica? No. Jesus Chronicles of Narnia? No. The Neverending Story? No. Labyrinth? No. If I list anymore you’ll assume I grew up in a cave and I did not, I swear.
But ANYWAY, I finally gave in and started watching the Star Wars thing with her a couple of weeks ago and it was pretty okay! I think. I don’t know because I could only watch like 40 minutes at a time before I would have to take a break for three or four days. Or a week. Or two. But we’re done now! And whatever, I like the one with all the muppets! What’s wrong with you people. Ewoks, cute as fuck. Ewoks dancing. So many joyful, tiny dog-bears.
But there is something we have to talk about now. And no, that thing is not 1. Han Solo the babeatron or 2. Princess Leia the BOSS or 3. fuuuuuuuck Yoda sucks. It is this:
WHAT WHAT WHAT. HOW CAN ANYONE DEAL WITH THIS. I CAN’T DEAL WITH IT. I CAN’T. Why is everyone just walking around pretending that Yoda doesn’t sound EXACTLY LIKE MISS PIGGY?! I know Frank Oz did both, I KNEW THAT, but COME ON. I can’t, I just can’t, internet. I JUST CANNOT.
It’s like if Miss Piggy and Kermit had a real old baby. I tried to morph that on the internet, but it did not go well.
Muppets are clearly not meant for morph.
ANYWAY WHATEVER. Life-changer:
I just want to hug him and squeeze him and love him for life, you guys. I just want a Wicket of my own that lives with me and rubs my feet and lets me feed him starfruit while we watch British sitcoms. This is my ideal life, just give it to me.
This life does not include sex with a small, cute bear-dog Ewok creature. Just starfruit, okay.
NOT SEX WITH STARFRUIT EITHER OKAY. Stop it.
So! Kansas City is BEAUTIFUL. And hot. And humid. And kind of awesome. There’s a lot of good food, even though the gf and I are too lazy to really go anywhere after work. It turns out that working eight hours a day is, like, a lot lot different than going to class once or twice a week and playing video games in your underwear the rest of the time. Work is great, but they get real weird when I play Tetris topless.
Jokes aside, work is AMAZING. I don’t want to talk about my company here because they probably wouldn’t want to associate themselves publicly with someone who calls Jesse Eisenberg a rapscallion and makes as many poop jokes as I do — BUT. I get to WRITE all day in my own happy little booth and be surrounded by people who are kind and talented in a variety of fascinating and jealousy-inducing disciplines and wander around this beautiful and massively confusing building with a bunch of other interns who are turning out to be way more excellent than I imagined. Most of them are leaving on the 12th of August, but I’m here for an entire month after that — the joys of being the last to arrive — and I am ACTUALLY going to miss other human beings when they start to disappear. I’m going to miss coworkers! How is that even a thing?!
Our apartment is lovely and our landlady is great and friendly and sort of like having a mom out here who politely stays out of the way, but gets really excited and or angry on your behalf when necessary. At the end of my second week at work, the back window of my car was smashed in by shit-bag vandals and EVERYONE was scandalized and furious on my behalf. People in the midwest are NICE. REALLY NICE. L.A. nice is a different kind of nice — we’re polite, we want to be friendly, but we don’t really have time for you — here, people CARE and are INTERESTED and want to hear all about your life and stuff. It’s weird and has not yet stopped being weird.
I miss my family and friends desperately. DESPERATELY. Like, wake up when the alarm goes off at six and cry once a week while rolling around on the bed because you just WANT TO GO HOME ALREADY EVERYTHING SUCKS WHERE IS MY MOM SOMEONE MAKE ME A SANDWICH AND HUG ME. But I am so happy with my job that it’s keeping me sane. Crystal is putting up with SO MUCH and being SO EXCELLENT and she doesn’t even complain or cry or tell me how much she hates me for forcing her to come here. Instead she just makes dinner and does the laundry and does weird sex things with me sometimes. She’s the best. And she’s made this entire experience so much more survivable and excellent that it ever could’ve been if I had to come alone.
So yeah, people out here talk funny (it’s ADORABLE) and they apologize a lot, like, for things that are completely out of their control. Like the weather. EVERYONE HAS APOLOGIZED FOR THE HEAT. I feel like the governor of Missouri is going to send me a letter soon, just to check in and apologize.
Today an unmanned rolling cart rolled into me of its own volition while I was standing near it and I apologized to it. THE MIDWEST HAS GOT ME, SEND HELP.
I’ve said, “Oh, the heat’s not that bad, it’s the HUMIDITY” so many times I want to slap myself. Also, “CALIFORNIA DOESN’T HAVE…”, especially re: terrifying insects, food chains, grocery stores, coupons, milk in glass bottles in the regular grocery store, delicious Sonic-esque PERFECT ICE everywhere we go, etc. See also: “CALIFORNIA HAS…”, re: EVERYTHING ELSE EVER.
Here are some pictures of things!
 
Midwestern thunderstorms is NO JOKE, yo. Crystal locked herself in the bathroom while I stuck the camera out the window and tried to catch some lightning while yelling at my parents via Skype. I have NEVER seen lightning like that. INSANE. And amazing. And a little terrifying. The Midwest is the weirdest.
In other news, Michael Cera looks like a turtle.
So I have tried writing a post about this at least four times. Once when it first happened, then at 60 days, then 30 days, then one week, and none of those attempts has really captured exactly what I am ~feeling~ adequately. But now I am out of time and have to write SOMETHING before it’s too late.
Tomorrow, my gf and I move 1600 miles to Kansas City, Missouri so that I can spend three months doing my dream job at a paid internship!
This is both exciting and terrifying! Exciting because: dream job, adventure, all that. Terrifying because: dream job, adventure, brand new place when I’ve lived in southern California for my ENTIRE LIFE.
The gf and I are trying to treat the traveling to Missouri portion as a fun and exciting road trip vacation extravaganza! We have to take both of our cars, so we wanted 9 hour driving blocks to keep from exhausting ourselves. I LOVE ROAD TRIPS. And I’ve never been through that part of the country (save Las Vegas, ’cause duh) so it is extra exciting to me. And terrifying. Because when we stop at the end of the road trip, I have to live there.
I also graduated from my MFA program on Saturday. After endless hoop-jumping to get my thesis approved by our idiotic graduate studies department and two years of feeling like I was constantly missing a step on a long, long staircase of both misery and joy, I AM DONE.
 
Right now I am really excited to be done with school, but I know I’ll be itching to go back in a year or so. I probably won’t, but I’ll WANT to.
I’m not going to miss my program. Or at least, I don’t think I will, not for a long time at least. But I am going to SEVERELY miss my classmates. Even when shit was bad, they continued to be awesome. I am going to miss them and my longtime friends and my family and WHY AM I MOVING 1600 MILES AWAY?!?!
Oh, right, adventure. Or whatever. Opportunity. Dream job. WHATEVER.
LET’S DO THIS!!
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