in recent years

202020192018
2017201620152014
2013201220112010

gesundheit

So I have allergies now?

Or at least I spend a large portion of my days sneezing VIOLENTLY. Which wouldn’t be that bad except because the combination of being a powerful, multi-sneezer and having semi-chronic UTIs makes me feel like I have to pee CONSTANTLY, so I probably go to the bathroom 1000 times a day? Which is really annoying even if my bathroom is only like fifteen feet from my desk. I don’t know what I did to piss my bladder off in 2005 (probably the college binge drinking?) but I AM SORRY NOW, PLEASE FORGIVE ME. (I have ALWAYS been an intense sneezer. Even when I was little and used to wander around the house sticking a piece of straw broken from a broom up my nose and intentionally sneezing — I DON’T KNOW OKAY, my parents should have probably stopped me instead of just laughing about it and using it as a hilarious anecdote at parties, but I imagine it’s kind of like having a chronically masturbating teenager in the house, you just hope for the best and tell them to contain it to the bedroom.)

But yeah, allergies are SO DUMB. Prior to my 20th birthday, I had almost no allergies. My skin REALLY HATES GRASS (so I had to wear tights a lot as a kid, so awful, even in 100 degree weather, TIGHTS) but other than that, nothing. Then the day before my 20th birthday I ingested a 32 ounce strawberry something-or-other from the Juice It Up next to my college dorm and broke out in hives from the top of my tits to my hair. ALL OVER MY FACE. So great. Such a great allergy for an adult whose favorite fruit is strawberries to develop.

But I still eat strawberries! Because it’s not a deathly allergy and I love them. Then I developed an allergy to flour weevils. Which shouldn’t be that big of a deal except they seem DRAWN TO ME. And now seasonal allergies. Sneezing! Watery eyes! Itchy throat! Congestion! I am a fucking walking allergy commercial over here. AND IT IS SO FUN AND SO GREAT, I AM SO GLAD THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME.

drugs

So I’ve been taking drugs, except it’s one of the crappy kinds that you don’t have to go to the pharmacist to get (we only shop at night, generally, when the pharmacist is tucked safe in their bed at home!) so it only works if I stand on my left foot and stroke a rare rodent with my right hand and also if I punch myself in the face and just stay asleep while the sun is up. Except now my new allergy friends are coming at night too.

The human body is just the BEST.

So I have been complaining about developing allergies as an adult because SERIOUSLY, how dumb is that?! And my dad was all dad-like and said, “Well, that happens. A lot. Adult allergies are like adult acne.”

And man, I am vain, but I am PRETTY SURE I’d take adult acne over this sneezing and misery shit. I am already real zitty!

But I figure this will only get worse and I will probably develop a cornucopia of miserable allergies before my death. The list grows by the day! Strawberries and some lactose items and LOTS of cosmetic type things. I’m sure, like… chocolate and CHRISTMAS and lard and joy and the internet and smog and HAPPINESS can’t be far behind.

Also, though my goals were lofty, I baaaaaaasically failed at getting my shit together this week. Well, I found a couple things to apply to! But, turns out, my biggest allergy is responsibility!

(j/k future employers, I am actually the most responsible person I know! and not, like, compared to irresponsible people! all the people I know are real responsible too. and I still win!)