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Wednesday night marked the first scheduling chance in the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks calendar where I subbed in Scrooged for Elf because I hadn’t realized how early I had Elf set. It’s one of my favorites, it has to be saved! [Here is the update calendar for your viewing pleasure.]
Scrooged is a real good movie. I have a lot of memories of watching it as a kid because it is LEGITIMATELY terrifying and is responsible for one of my most inane fears (moving skeletons! DON’T LIKE ‘EM ONE BIT.) and also I had a lot of youthful lesbian feelings toward Carol Kane.
This is one of those movies that makes me feel intense desires about New York. (See also: Elf, Annie Hall, Ghostbusters, Big, Working Girl, Hackers, The First Wives Club, 13 Going on 30, and 30 Rock.) It’s like… if it was always Christmas in NYC and the snow wasn’t slippery and I had a good warm wardrobe I would totally want to live there. If it was always safe-snowy and beautiful and covered in elaborate light and window displays, I would totally, totally be down.
ANYWAY, Scrooged is great. Bill Murray is great. Carol Kane is great. Karen Allen is great. Bobcat Goldthwait is, as always, flawless and ridiculous. IT IS ALL GOOD. And the story still feels really relevant/current. And the dated stuff is delightful. VHS! The clothes! Network television being relevant and popular! It also screams 80s because there’s no real vilification of Frank’s wealth, just his shitty behavior. And that’s pretty interesting.
I also think it’s really weird that we’re supposed to be mad at Frank for ditching Christmas Eve dinner with his friends in the flashback-y region of the movie. Like, friends are the most important thing in my life. My friends and family are one in the same to me. But if an opportunity that would facilitate my achieving something important to me arose and I had to cancel plans in order to do it, my friends and family would EASILY understand. That whole exchange is really awkward actually. I think the “Let’s take a break” thing is supposed to communicate to the viewer that Frank’s job has put a strain on their relationship already, but it just comes off like Karen Allen has some serious issues. IT’S ONE DINNER, DANG. Or it’s a sign that the AMC TV version edited out some really important character stuff. There are just so many better reasons to think Frank’s a dick and that one isn’t a very good precursor to them.
But yeah, I want to talk about how I don’t understand why there aren’t a whole bunch of people my age with extreme trauma from watching this thing. THIS MOVIE IS TERRIFYING.
And if that isn’t bad enough:
At the end they are holding gifts and bells and shit! WHAT WEIRDO DECIDED THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?!
ANYWAY, Scrooged is an excellent, relevant, hilarious, dark, and delightful holiday ROMP. Or something.
Day five of Festive-Ass Flicks was the live-action Jim Carrey How the Grinch Stole Christmas from 2000. [Here is the calendar if you want to check it out/follow along at home!] Which my girlfriend had never seen before! Which was kind of amazing to me since I saw this thing in the theaters when it came out with some of my friends from high school. I thought it was like a THING, even if you didn’t have a child to take.
I remember really liking this version when I saw it in theaters and obviously liked it enough to buy it on DVD at some point and I have DEFINITELY had repeated, serious moments of over-identifying with “Where Are You Christmas?” but this rewatch kind of confirmed all the terrible reviews.
Jim Carrey is always painful to watch, but I remembered the Grinch being more tempered and natural. Good god was I wrong. He is EXCRUCIATING. And, like, the Grinch SHOULD be a big, exaggerated character! And still somehow Jim Carrey goes too far. Josh Ryan Evans is great as the eight year old Grinch. That’s the kind of personality/attitude that Jim Carrey should have been striving for. And he’s cute and pretty damn complex for an eight year old character.
Taylor Momsen is GREAT though. I hate child actors that are clearly good at what they’re doing because it just frustrates and embarrasses me. I don’t even want to think about what I was probably accomplishing at that age. Crayons? Cursive? Mastery of the bathroom? I don’t like anybody that causes me an existential crisis. Especially one about my childhood. But she’s the cutest Who and so good at being sad and curious and hopeful and kind. Screw you if you don’t think characters in kid-friendly movies can be complex and interesting. Raise your standards! You are why we keep ending up with shit.
Also, she done grown UP.
Whoville approves.
Anyway, it turns out that basically what I DO like about this movie is the art direction. They brought Dr. Seuss’ world to life in a way I can get behind. Whoville is beautiful and charming and cozy and kooky. It’s a world that looks like it would sing nonsense Christmas songs and produce people like Cindy Lou and the Grinch.
It was kind of a bummer though because the movie really looks like shit. I assume it’s the DVD transfer (because I don’t remember it looking that bad in theaters, but I also don’t remember anything ever, so.) and it looks grainy and dark and flat and dull as hell. And every caps site I went to had dark, grainy caps. DVD bummer.
Anyway, BABY GRINCH IS THE BEST GRINCH. And basically the best part of the movie.
But in conclusion, this movie has the most adult joke I’ve ever witnessed in a family-friendly movie.
Yo, the night the Grinch was born unto Whoville, his old biddy (code: LESBIAN, let’s get real) mothers were having a CHRISTMAS KEY PARTY. Who-swapping in Whoville. Gawd bless Whomerica.
Day four of festive-ass flicks was a double feature: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, the 1947 Max Fleischer short and the 1964 Rankin/Bass television special. [Here is the calendar if you want to check it out/follow along at home!]
The Max Fleischer version is part of a collection of holiday shorts that are rather notorious for being of-the-era racist. Luckily, since this one’s about reindeer, it’s not so much of an issue. ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT BE. I am white and we are notoriously bad at recognizing obvious issues that are right in front of our faces.
Honestly, the whole thing was pretty forgettable. I know I must have seen it as a kid because I vaguely remembered the animation and the terrifying two-legged way the reindeer walk and interact with one another.
Rudolph’s mom is kind of a babe and the other reindeer are enormous dicks (which is just part of what makes the story what it is) and Santa reacts to fog like a drunk-ass driver. Every time I think about Rudolph’s story in general I have to wonder what the fuck Santa did all the other times that Christmas Eve weather was a little rough. Like, we are supposed to believe that EVERY OTHER CHRISTMAS EVE IN HISTORY was pleasant and clear the entire world over? Sit the hell down.
ALSO, Santa’s got a real big opinion of his job: “Rudolph, my boy, they’ll envy you now far and near for no greater honor can come to a deer then riding with Santa and guiding my sleigh, the number one job on the number one day.” Like, whoa, slow your confidence roll, Kringle. Being a part of Santa’s crew is great and all, but I am sure there are all kinds of other reindeer jobs that are just as fulfilling and important.
Watching the Rankin/Bass version was a lot more personally traumatic/important to me because I never saw it as a kid because I was scared of claymation. I didn’t see anything claymation until The Nightmare Before Christmas and I waited like… five years after that came out to finally watch it. And by then I was like 14. I KNOW IT IS WEIRD TO BE AFRAID OF CLAYMATION. We don’t even need to discuss that issue, okay?
I started out thinking about the Rudolph story really critically/academically because it’s such an archetypical story. A weirdo appears, a weirdo is shunned, a weirdo is accepted. Except it’s not a positive story about being a weirdo and being accepted, it’s a story about how we are only valuable if we are useful to the machine. It’s baaaaaasically Focault’s ideas of docile bodies. And that’s messed up! ALMOST EVERYONE SHUNS RUDOLPH. His own father is ashamed of him (which Santa TELLS him to be!) and the other young reindeer are almost afraid of him once his nose is revealed and there is no sign of forgiveness until Santa deems him useful.
But then I just started getting really frustrated because GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE IS TOO LONG. Seriously. I don’t understand how kids sit through this! If someone had tried to make me watch this when I was little, I would have gotten bored before the ginger miner shows up and started throwing a tantrum. SO LONG. And the abominable snowman is the slowest moving monster in all history. Like, WAIT, we will stop and chat for a few minutes while he advances on us slower than honey pouring from a jar. And then there is STILL MORE MOVIE.
Donner’s an asshole and so are all the other reindeer. Mrs. Donner and Clarice are awesome. And Hermey is the best, sassiest, most flippy-hair-having dentist elf I have ever seen. And Santa is a dick. I think Santa just might be universally a dick.
Now that I’ve crossed the landmark/hurdle of watching the first Rankin/Bass, I might spend some time watching the other ones. Maybe. Claymation still really freaks me out.
Sunday night marked the only theater-going scheduled [Here is the calendar if you want to check it out/follow along at home!] for festive-ass movie watching and it was for A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas. [Spoilers herein! Obvs.]
I saw the first Harold & Kumar when I was in college (I am 90% certain that I actually went to see it alone…) and loved it and laughed a lot and was super excited even then before I had gotten into activism because there were people of color! In lead roles! And not playing stereotypes! And they were babes! And then it made a whole bunch of money and they made a couple more! SWEET.
The point is me and Harold and Kumar go way back and I wasn’t disappointed and I laughed a lot and my girlfriend laughed a lot and the few other people in the theater laughed a lot. The 3D was excellent. 3D snow! 3D claymation dicks! 3D lesbian nuns!
And a baby on drugs! I HATE BABIES. But I wanted to hang out with that fucked up baby for the rest of my LIFE. The only babies that should ever be in movies are ones that are intoxicated. Someone popular on Twitter said something once about how Betty White’s cameos aren’t actually funny because it’s just an old lady doing and saying things we don’t expect an old lady to do and say. But like, fuck that. That’s a HUGE PART of what comedy is. The unexpected is often VITAL to laughter. And like, you do not expect a baby to get high or do coke and that could have been left a weak joke on its own, but it wasn’t! It got funnier.
So yeah, I deeply enjoyed watching this movie show. And Thomas Lennon was great and I love Amir Blumenfeld OBVIOUSLY because duh. And yeah, it was good and I will watch it again.
Watching Amir Blumenfeld just makes me want a movie where he and Chris Marquette play brothers and do dumb shit to each other but come together to help their family save their house/stop their parents’ divorce/find wives or husbands so and get married so they don’t lose their inheritance. WHATEVER WORKS. Let’s do this, guys. I can write it, I clearly have the skills just bubbling under my skin.
The best part of the movie was how the AMC dude came in to clean the theater but my girlfriend and I refused to leave because the credits weren’t over yet and they ran so long that he eventually just gave up and didn’t clean the theater. I NEVER WALK OUT ON THE CREDITS. WALKING OUT ON THE CREDITS IS SO ROOD. SIT THROUGH THE CREDITS AND PAY YOUR RESPECTS. Dude could have just walked up the stairs and seen that there was no mess anywhere anyway, dang.
Basically — John Cho and Kal Penn forever — is what I’m saying.
Last night after spending all day with various incarnations of my girlfriend’s family and hanging up Christmas lights and going to see The Muppets… we STILL managed to come home and watch Miracle on 34th Street just as scheduled. [Here is the calendar if you want to check it out/follow along at home!]
Can we talk about this movie, you guys? [I HOPE IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT I AM GOING TO DISCUSS SPOILERS IN THIS POST ABOUT A SIXTY-FIVE YEAR OLD MOVIE.] I know the story obviously because I didn’t grow up in a bubble, but I had never seen it or the remake with Matilda or even that old-but-not-as-old-as-the-original made-for-TV one. I LOVED IT. I mean, really. I L-O-V-E-D it. I was losing my mind for Kris Kringle and Mr. Macy and Mr. Gimbel being grouchy, reluctant friends and ALFRED. ALFRED AKA BASICALLY THE BEST PART OF THE ENTIRE MOVIE.
 these are my super scientific and exact notes about the movie The Alfred story is kind of my favorite part of the movie and my girlfriend said it wasn’t in the remake and OF COURSE it isn’t because modern people would be like, “I don’t know, that kid seems like a pedo” because that was our immediate reaction because that’s how we’re trained to see young men: sex-crazed and out of control. But, of cooooooourse, Kris Kringle’s okay because old people are sexless. BUT clearly Alfred just wanted to make kids happy and it was so sweet and he ended up being my favorite. Move over Kris Kringle, Alfred Claus has work to do.
I spend most of the time I am watching movies (especially old movies, but new ones too, I AM LOOKING AT YOU, MUPPETS) waiting for people of color and I am always struck anew at how fucking WHITE movies are. Theresa Harris made her couple of lone appearances and gave her, like, one line and was beautiful and talented while doing it, but dang. Still always such a bummer.
Also, I couldn’t get over what a terrible person Doris is. She’s a good provider and a good example of making your way in the business world as a woman of the time and she’s kind of sassy (not as sassy as Kris Kringle tho!) and independent but, man. Like, I know you are upset because your ex broke your heart, but yo, you are not teaching your child to live in the real world you are KILLING HER IMAGINATION. She doesn’t even know how to pretend to be a damn wild animal in order to make friends. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER?! And I am always bored of the bitter-single-woman-saved-by-love story (even though this one is sweet!). But she could’ve bought a vibrator and gave herself a good time and relaxed a little bit before she RUINED HER CHILD FOREVER.
Anyway, I loved Natalie Wood’s faces in this masterpiece and she’s so cute and precocious and stuff and I love that she believes and that she is SO CUTE and does some good acting things.
AND I LOVED MOST OF ALL THAT NO ONE MENTIONED GOD AT ALL. That was great. Christmas is all presents and Santa and having faith in people and Santa and the United State Postal Service (I am CRAZY IN LOVE with the USPS. Nobody loves the Postal Service like me.) Especially after my girlfriend was like, “Matilda’s ends with IN GOD WE TRUST being the proof-maker” and then I threw up.
ALSO, I loved the little Dutch girl with a mother who essentially seems that she can’t even communicate with her new adopted child but then Kris Kringle is like, “ICH BIN EIN BERLINER” (except… in Dutch) and it’s SO GOOD. And hooray for it being a deaf girl in the remake.
ANYWAY, s my favorite part of the movie is right at the end after Natalie Wood has been disappointed by not getting a HOUSE for Christmas and something breaks in her brain and she turns into a believing-in-Santa ZOMBIE. Looooooooooooooooooooooooooove it. Cued for your viewing pleasure.
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