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Day 17 of 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was the first movie that had to be subbed in because of accessibility issues. I feel like a secondary name for this project could have been “Ways in Which Netflix Randomly and Suddenly Messes with Their Customers for What I Am Sure Are Real Legitimate Reasons but to Us Seem Totally Arbitrary and Mean”.
This wasn’t just a subbing in a movie, this was, “Oh shit, this screws up DVD returns and throws off the schedule and oh oh. Shit.” Netflix pulled Santa’s Slay off of Instant and there wasn’t anything else I wanted/was willing to watch for a direct sub, so I had to order a DVD and swap around some dates and then because I was behind anyway (which is obviously my fault, not Netlix’s) it threw me off an additional day around the 16th because I had to wait for Meet Me in St. Louis. OH THE LIFE OF AN UNEMPLOYED BLOGGER IN THE MIDDLE OF A PROJECT. SO HARD.
Anyway, I ended up watching Black Christmas because I wanted to make sure that I got a holiday horror movie in here. And I watched the 1974 original instead of the 2006 remake because I don’t hate myself. [Spoilers!]
It was super, super good. And creepy. And unsettling. And quiet. And had a tiny body count compared to more recent (not just RECENT, but really starting with the 80s) horror movies ESPECIALLY because it broke the sort of accepted rule that someone’s GOT to eat it in the first fifteen minutes, if not in the first scene. This thing is SLOW, but not boring.
It set up a nice, pretty, yule-ish scene with the lights and the cold and frosty windows and the drunken sorority celebrating and then it starts to hover around uncomfortable with the first of the series of obscene/terrifying phone calls and then it just gets more and more uncomfortable. And it’s never really grisly, except maybe once, but otherwise the deaths are off-screen and subdued as the number of available victims dwindles.
I think one of my favorite aspects of this is that the police are TOTALLY involved in what’s happening — the missing girl and the phone calls — but it still keeps happening. We’re taught from such a young age by our culture that the police will protect us, that if we go to them, they will stop bad things from happening. But in this they don’t. They can’t. And I can’t help but feel that’s maybe a lesson we should all learn a lot earlier. These officers are largely well-meaning, they want to help, they’re interesting characters in and of themselves, but there’s nothing they can do to save these women. The calls are coming from inside the house. And even in the end as one stands guard to protect the sole survivor inside, the phone rings. And rings. And rings.
THAT SHIT IS SCARY.
I was really into the liberated women in this and the way they bumped against the men who didn’t want them to be. The first victim’s (Clare) father sort of implies that her being missing is better than her running off to a cabin with a dude. And she’s totally depicted as the pure one. Margot Kidder totally creeps her out and she clutches a cross in discomfort and shock/disgust. And she totally dies first. Jess is pregnant and utilizes her newly minted reproductive autonomy (Roe v. Wade, 1973) to decide to get an abortion and her boyfriend FLIPS OUT. Margot Kidder is IN CHARGE of herself and even though she’s drawn as the sort of… IDK, stereotypical 70s floozy? She is in charge. And she doesn’t care that other people judge her. She dies too — after asserting her sexuality and also getting a kid drunk.
The Chaste and The Promiscuous both die in this world. Interesting though is the difference in their deaths. Clare is suffocated with a plastic bag and displayed in a rocking chair, looking out over the winter night outside. Margot Kidder is stabbed to death with a glass unicorn in the only scene of truly visible murder and even that is subdued because of careful framing. The only gory emphasis is on the blood-covered unicorn in the killer’s hands. And then she’s found dead, displayed IN BED with another person (Phyl). SO FASCINATING.
Jess survives (at least the length of the movie) even though she wants an abortion. I feel like… we almost couldn’t get away with that now? I watch American Horror Story and, like, it took a billion damn episodes for them to even SAY the word abortion and it’s constantly, continuously condemned at every turn if not in words than in literal punishment of the women who seek them and the doctor that provided them. I don’t know how more than 35 years have passed since Roe v. Wade and we’ve gone fucking BACKWARDS on reproductive rights, but we definitely have. [If you didn’t know this was an extremely pro-choice blog, you do now! Unrestricted access to abortions for all people who can get pregnant.]
ANYWAY, this was a great movie. It was a great horror movie and a nice addition to the holiday season. ALSO, it was directed by Bob Clark who directed one of the most beloved holiday films of all time, A Christmas Story. And that’s really delightful and wonderful and he’s so skilled and awesome.
I loved Margot Kidder and her snide-ass attitude. Telling the cop the exchange on the house number was FELLATIO. And “the Mormon Tabernacle Choir are making their annual obscene phone call.” So good. I also deeply enjoyed the cop telling the other cops the fellatio thing and how hard they laughed. “What? It’s something dirty, isn’t it?”.
Also, when Peter (Jess’s boyfriend) first shows up, I was like, “Is that Malcolm McDowell?!” because I was watching it all shrunk in a small corner of my laptop screen. It’s not Malcolm McDowell, but according to IMDB Trivia, the role WAS originally offered to him. So they just hired another dude that basically looks like Malcolm McDowell. You gotta do what you gotta do. Also Jess is Juliet in the really famous/boring version of Romeo & Juliet that all of our high school teachers made us watch. And when she worked with Steve Martin, he was like, “I LOVE YOU. YOU’RE IN ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES.” and she was like, HAIR FLIP, “ROMEO AND JULIET?!” and he was all, “LOL NO BLACK CHRISTMAS.” A+, Steve Martin.
The last shot of the movie is really haunting. The totally unaware cop in front of the house and the ringing phone, the audience totally aware that the real killer is still inside the house with the remaining survivor. Totally creepy and excellent! But obviously the image that lives in infamy (aside from Clare’s head encased in a dry-cleaning bag) is that eye staring at Phyl through the crack in the door. So simple, so creepy.
So, Home Alone was three days late [CALENDAR] and I’ve seen it at least four million times and I love it? And I feel like maybe the universe says we should all be ashamed of how much we love it? And that’s dumb. [Spoilers!]
Because, dude, this is a great movie. It’s not, like, Citizen Kane or some shit, but if you haven’t figured out that “great movie” doesn’t mean “critically acclaimed” and “universally revered” around these parts, then you need to GET IT TOGETHER. A great movie is one you love to watch. That’s simple. And I’m sticking to it.
I don’t remember watching Home Alone when I was young even though I am totally sure I did. I’m pretty sure the VHS of it is still in this house somewhere right now, just lurking. But I think it was one of those movies that I sort of pretended to have no knowledge of because I was that douchekid who thinks that being pop culturally ignorant is cool and stuff. It’s not. And as an adult I believe in doing you and loving what you want and that wanting to be cool is stupid anyway. I was cool. I’ve always been cool. I am cool. I’m awesome. And it’s never been because of what I did or did not want to watch, read, or listen to. YO.
Anyway, I don’t have any significant memory of watching this all the way through until I was in college at least but I didn’t really develop an appreciation of it until fairly recently after years of watching parts of it over and over again on cable.
I want to be able to perfectly articulate why Home Alone works and why I like it so much and why it’s so beloved, but I can’t. Partially because it’s three am and partially because it’s inarticulable. Home Alone is good because Home Alone is good. It gives us the warm and fuzzies because it’s about family and love and making mistakes and atoning for them.
Things of Note:
– All John Williams scores sound the same, but “Somewhere in my Memory” is SO GOOD anyway.
– Whoa, wait, why is that pizza boy so cute? BABEIN’ PIZZA BOY CAN GET IT.
– LOOK WHAT YOU DID YOU LITTLE JERK
– HEY FULLER EASY ON THE PEPSI
– He is so lucky he wasn’t murdered by shelves. Imagine forgetting him and then coming home to his mangled dead body?!
– FUCK YOU IF YOU STEAL MY SHIT. BUT FUCK YOU PAINFULLY AND CRUELLY IF YOU FLOOD MY FUCKING HOUSE.
– HEY HOPE DAVIS HEEEEEEEY
– Kevin McAllister is a fucking engineering genius.
– Do children not ever purchase things in this town? Why does everyone look at him like he has two heads? Sometimes eight-year-olds run in the grocery store, dang.
– I miss John Candy.
– Love you, Santa.
– The scene in the church with the old dude and his reunion with his family at the end will forever make me choke up and get all weird.
– MONOGRAMMED DOORKNOB
– I will never get over how horrifying the foot injuries in this movie are. Burn my hand? Cool. Light my head on fire? Fine. Make me step on ornaments barefoot? EAT SHIT. Make me step on a nail? I WILL MURDER EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.
– JOHN CANDY FOREVER
– Dude, how did he explain ANY of this to his family? Did he keep it a secret until well into adulthood? How do you explain that you, like, cut down a tree and fucked up some burglars and DESTROYED EVERYTHING. Does Kevin McAllister suffer from PTSD later in life? This whole string of events would have made me catatonic.
– How totally 90s is that title screen?!
ALSO, I AM SO EXCITED TO COMPLAIN. Because Netflix sent me a disc SO BADLY DAMAGED that I missed basically twelve minutes of the movie. TWELVE MINUTES. Were I new to Home Alone I would be missing large elements of stuff! Not cool, Netflix, not cool. Gratefully, my wise computer alerts me when it is skipping damaged sections. You go Macbook Pro-Coco, you go.
So yeah, Home Alone = good. Wanting to be cool = not good. Or something?
So remember how I said being one day off wasn’t so bad? Well by the time I watched The Shop Around the Corner it was four days late. [CALENDAR] OOPS. [Spoilers!]
This was a pretty good old timey movie situation! It’s kind of cool to look at and there’s lots of fast, sharp dialogue, and I really like the supporting characters (Pepi and Flora and Pirovitch) and the way they interact and avoid and enable the romantic plot at the center of the story. Also Jimmy Stewart is beautiful and wonderful and I could listen to him talk all day every day. Please make love to me old timey Jimmy Stewart. Tell me I am pretty. Light my cigarette and tuck my hair behind my ear and stuff. Margaret Sullavan is also a babe duh.
So, basically, I liked this movie a lot because, BIG REVEAL, I LOVE You’ve Got Mail. And that movie is based on this one. And JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT, but You’ve Got Mail is GR8. It is a good light-hearted romantic comedy. Plus Tom Hanks.
Sorry cynical, youthful Ash, grown-up adult you LOVES TOM HANKS. Don’t worry though, she still hates Forrest Gump so you can calm down.
So yeah, this one is similar! Except with handwritten letters and an anonymous newspaper ad! It’s like… You’ve Got Mail Beta. You’ve Got Mail 1.0. You’ve Got Mail DOS. If we made this today it would be Craigslist and text messages. [Wait, I kind of like that, let’s make this thing again.]
Three things I cannot get over:
1. DUDE. Why are they in Budapest? I can’t parse this thing out. Are they Americans living in Budapest? Are they supposed to be Hungarian? They have vaguely Hungarian-esque names, so is that it? Are they the children of Hungarians come back to the motherland? Why are Klara, Alfred, and the messenger boys the only people without accents? I CANNOT UNDERSTAND.
In all those 191,000 results, no one could give me a comprehensive, logical answer. I mean. WHAT IS THE DEAL? I am a big fan of multiculturalism and filming in other countries and all that good stuff. But this was filmed in CULVER CITY. In California. In the UNITED STATES. So what is the deal? [Do you see how hung up on this I am? I CANNOT LET IT GO.]
2. Dude. Mr. Matuschek was going to KILL HIMSELF. He had a gun to his head! Off-camera, but still. And Pepi had to fling himself at the shopkeeper to keep him alive. And a lamp loses its life as a consequence. SUICIDE. I can’t. In a CHRISTMAS movie. And I know it’s not just a Christmas movie, yadda yadda, but just the idea of this lighthearted romantic comedy with a major suicidal moment as its catalyst is kind of insane/awesome. This is the same thing I think every time I think about It’s a Wonderful Life. [Which I hate, won’t watch all the way through, and am constantly irritated by.] I just can’t imagine suicide-as-a-plot-element making it’s way into something considered a holiday classic produced now. And I am FASCINATED by it.
3. This:
SO WELL DONE. SO SAD. Klara reaching in, hopeful for a letter from her mystery love and finding nothing. SO SAD. REAL SAD. Not tears sad, but legit sad nonetheless.
So yeah, I dug it enough. I’d maybe watch it again. Jimmy Stewart’s corpse should call me.
In conclusion, sock garters.
The 14th movie in the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks line-up [calendar here] was The Santa Clause and I only watched it one day late! Which doesn’t seem that impressive until you see how far I get behind later on. [Spoilers!]
So, this one came out in 1994 when I was 9 and despite being the perfect age for it, I had never seen it. 1. Because I wasn’t the kind of kid who was into family movies, 2. Because my family isn’t the kind of family that’s into family movies, 3. My parents didn’t really take us to the movies. I think I can count on two hands how many movies I have seen with my parents in theaters and most of those are the Jackass movies which we saw together as adults.
ANYWAY, I ended up really liking this! I think it’s aged pretty well despite the hallmarks of the mid-90s: divorced parents, a mom with a dark bob, psychological care dismissed as yuppie bullshit, yuppie bullshit, jokes about Asian businessmen, the sad bachelor divorced dad, Tim Allen, kid with a bowl cut, etc. Just watch it, it basically vomits 90s-ness all over you as you watch.
There’s a lot of fat-shaming bullshit as Scott gets fat and his boss and coworkers basically mock and deride him for it. But his doctor is like, “Dude, you’re healthy! Stop worrying about it!” and that was really refreshing.
I liked the elf that brought Tim Allen hot chocolate because I love nine-year-olds that are successful at acting like adults. Except maybe, if you’re going to use children as elves in your holiday movie, maybe try to do a little make-up work so they don’t just look like children? It looked like child labor all up in Santa’s Workshop.
I love Bernard because DUH I love David Krumholtz SO MUCH. And he’s so sassy. And Tim Allen was okay and Judge Reinhold was doing his thing and the mom comes to terms with the whole business in the end and it was sweet. Mystery Date! It’s all good.
The thing I hated THE MOST was that fucking kid. OH MY GOD. Some of it is bad writing: the kid hates/dislikes/doesn’t want to be with his dad because his dad is a bad dad but there is NOTHING that indicates that he’s a bad dad? Like, he’s kind of a shit in the beginning because he fake-justifies his tardiness, but like, for real? That’s supposed to convince me that this guy is terrible? I wouldn’t want to be on time to hang out with that fucking brat either.
And look, I’m not giving props to dads for being decent. If we expect moms to be great and awesome super heroes then let’s expect the same super heroism from dads, yeah? Let’s stop applauding divorced dads who spend one weekend a month with their children. Do you want a fucking cookie? [OBVIOUSLY EVERY INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT BUT I AM SPEAKING GENERALLY HERE OKAY PLEASE DON’T NITPICK ME BECAUSE YOUR DAD COULDN’T SEE YOU ENOUGH BECAUSE HE WAS BUSY LITERALLY SAVING THE WORLD. I AM SORRY.]
But there is legitimately not enough to go on here to be like, OH TIM ALLEN, YOU BECAME SANTA AGAINST YOUR WILL AND NOW YOU ARE FORGIVEN AND REDEEMED. Like, dude can’t cook a turkey? And the kid rolls his eyes and moon-faces around in tragedy. Are you fucking… WHAT? I can’t cook a turkey either, kid. YOU WANT A TURKEY SO BAD COOK IT YOURSELF, JERKWAD.
Basically, my only notes were:
– THIS KID SUCKS
– So basically, he manslaughters Santa and then takes over his life?!
– FUCK THIS KID
– I would be SO PISSED if Santa gave my kid a puppy.
– Comet is a super creep.
– Judging by the pointy hats, these elves are into wizardry.
But it was totally enjoyable anyway.
Here is where I will apologize for going COMPLETELY off the rails with the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks since that’s what you’re actually here to read and all. I AM SORRY. We had our TENTH annual holiday party at my place on December 10th and it took so much time to prepare and then even more time to recover once I’d gotten behind. It was totally worth it! But an explanation nonetheless.
White Christmas was up on the 7th and we actually DID watch it on the 7th, but then party prep took the reigns and we started stuttering and stumbling to find the time to watch more and I had trouble writing because I was so preoccupied with other stuff.
Also, it was hard to write about this one because I haaaaaaated it. I don’t really like musicals — or well, that’s not totally true. I am REALLY PICKY about musicals because they have a tendency to be super terrible. And that’s not my fault.
I didn’t like White Christmas because not only were the songs largely boring (the titular bit notwithstanding) but there wasn’t a single likable character to attach to. And while I can get behind loving a villain (I cried at the end of The Devil’s Rejects, okay?) I cannot get behind a bunch of boring, whiny people. ADULTS. These are supposed to be ADULTS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I also can’t stand when the entire basis of a conflict is non-communication. If Rosemary Clooney had ever once just said, “Hey, Bing, why are you selling out this dude you pretend to care so much about?” Or even HINTED at her upset, that entire dumb plot would’ve been resolved in about 30 seconds. Like, no. NO. That’s infuriating and dumb and not worth watching.
And, like, I can’t even get ANGRY about how much I hated this movie because it’s so legitimately meaningless. I don’t understand how people think this is a classic because it’s just so… forgettable. It’s FLAT. I spent the whole time thinking about what a terrible person Bing Crosby supposedly was and how small Vera-Ellen’s waist was and how much she reportedly suffered to get it and how Danny Kaye may or may not have done some kind of gay stuff while he was famous. And the rest of the time was just waiting for the movie to END.
I liked the performance of “White Christmas” and I liked the costumes and that’s where it ends. Also, I love Rosemary Clooney because I saw her in concert at the Hollywood Bowl with my grandparents when I was 12. And she was great.
I would break down all the ways in which this thing was also problematic and how righteously infuriating the “ladies looking for a husband” trope is always boring/done/awful, but I won’t because I don’t even feel like this movie was worth my time. I should have napped instead.
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