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The 14th movie in the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks line-up [calendar here] was The Santa Clause and I only watched it one day late! Which doesn’t seem that impressive until you see how far I get behind later on. [Spoilers!]
So, this one came out in 1994 when I was 9 and despite being the perfect age for it, I had never seen it. 1. Because I wasn’t the kind of kid who was into family movies, 2. Because my family isn’t the kind of family that’s into family movies, 3. My parents didn’t really take us to the movies. I think I can count on two hands how many movies I have seen with my parents in theaters and most of those are the Jackass movies which we saw together as adults.
ANYWAY, I ended up really liking this! I think it’s aged pretty well despite the hallmarks of the mid-90s: divorced parents, a mom with a dark bob, psychological care dismissed as yuppie bullshit, yuppie bullshit, jokes about Asian businessmen, the sad bachelor divorced dad, Tim Allen, kid with a bowl cut, etc. Just watch it, it basically vomits 90s-ness all over you as you watch.
There’s a lot of fat-shaming bullshit as Scott gets fat and his boss and coworkers basically mock and deride him for it. But his doctor is like, “Dude, you’re healthy! Stop worrying about it!” and that was really refreshing.
I liked the elf that brought Tim Allen hot chocolate because I love nine-year-olds that are successful at acting like adults. Except maybe, if you’re going to use children as elves in your holiday movie, maybe try to do a little make-up work so they don’t just look like children? It looked like child labor all up in Santa’s Workshop.
I love Bernard because DUH I love David Krumholtz SO MUCH. And he’s so sassy. And Tim Allen was okay and Judge Reinhold was doing his thing and the mom comes to terms with the whole business in the end and it was sweet. Mystery Date! It’s all good.
The thing I hated THE MOST was that fucking kid. OH MY GOD. Some of it is bad writing: the kid hates/dislikes/doesn’t want to be with his dad because his dad is a bad dad but there is NOTHING that indicates that he’s a bad dad? Like, he’s kind of a shit in the beginning because he fake-justifies his tardiness, but like, for real? That’s supposed to convince me that this guy is terrible? I wouldn’t want to be on time to hang out with that fucking brat either.
And look, I’m not giving props to dads for being decent. If we expect moms to be great and awesome super heroes then let’s expect the same super heroism from dads, yeah? Let’s stop applauding divorced dads who spend one weekend a month with their children. Do you want a fucking cookie? [OBVIOUSLY EVERY INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT BUT I AM SPEAKING GENERALLY HERE OKAY PLEASE DON’T NITPICK ME BECAUSE YOUR DAD COULDN’T SEE YOU ENOUGH BECAUSE HE WAS BUSY LITERALLY SAVING THE WORLD. I AM SORRY.]
But there is legitimately not enough to go on here to be like, OH TIM ALLEN, YOU BECAME SANTA AGAINST YOUR WILL AND NOW YOU ARE FORGIVEN AND REDEEMED. Like, dude can’t cook a turkey? And the kid rolls his eyes and moon-faces around in tragedy. Are you fucking… WHAT? I can’t cook a turkey either, kid. YOU WANT A TURKEY SO BAD COOK IT YOURSELF, JERKWAD.
Basically, my only notes were:
– THIS KID SUCKS
– So basically, he manslaughters Santa and then takes over his life?!
– FUCK THIS KID
– I would be SO PISSED if Santa gave my kid a puppy.
– Comet is a super creep.
– Judging by the pointy hats, these elves are into wizardry.
But it was totally enjoyable anyway.
Here is where I will apologize for going COMPLETELY off the rails with the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks since that’s what you’re actually here to read and all. I AM SORRY. We had our TENTH annual holiday party at my place on December 10th and it took so much time to prepare and then even more time to recover once I’d gotten behind. It was totally worth it! But an explanation nonetheless.
White Christmas was up on the 7th and we actually DID watch it on the 7th, but then party prep took the reigns and we started stuttering and stumbling to find the time to watch more and I had trouble writing because I was so preoccupied with other stuff.
Also, it was hard to write about this one because I haaaaaaated it. I don’t really like musicals — or well, that’s not totally true. I am REALLY PICKY about musicals because they have a tendency to be super terrible. And that’s not my fault.
I didn’t like White Christmas because not only were the songs largely boring (the titular bit notwithstanding) but there wasn’t a single likable character to attach to. And while I can get behind loving a villain (I cried at the end of The Devil’s Rejects, okay?) I cannot get behind a bunch of boring, whiny people. ADULTS. These are supposed to be ADULTS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I also can’t stand when the entire basis of a conflict is non-communication. If Rosemary Clooney had ever once just said, “Hey, Bing, why are you selling out this dude you pretend to care so much about?” Or even HINTED at her upset, that entire dumb plot would’ve been resolved in about 30 seconds. Like, no. NO. That’s infuriating and dumb and not worth watching.
And, like, I can’t even get ANGRY about how much I hated this movie because it’s so legitimately meaningless. I don’t understand how people think this is a classic because it’s just so… forgettable. It’s FLAT. I spent the whole time thinking about what a terrible person Bing Crosby supposedly was and how small Vera-Ellen’s waist was and how much she reportedly suffered to get it and how Danny Kaye may or may not have done some kind of gay stuff while he was famous. And the rest of the time was just waiting for the movie to END.
I liked the performance of “White Christmas” and I liked the costumes and that’s where it ends. Also, I love Rosemary Clooney because I saw her in concert at the Hollywood Bowl with my grandparents when I was 12. And she was great.
I would break down all the ways in which this thing was also problematic and how righteously infuriating the “ladies looking for a husband” trope is always boring/done/awful, but I won’t because I don’t even feel like this movie was worth my time. I should have napped instead.
The twelfth day of festive-ass flicks was Bad Santa which I watched twelve-ish hours after I was supposed to AND by myself while I did a million other things to prepare for my TENTH ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY and also dicked around on the internet because I’ve seen this one before. A lot. [Calendar.] [Also, spoilers.]
I like Bad Santa a lot because I like stories about losers. Losers are inherently more interesting than winners and they have a tendency to be not only more complex, but better written and developed. Sorry heroes and good guys, losers are where it’s at.
Bill Bob Thornton’s Santa is great. You kind of have to hate him and that’s really important for the shaping of this story. This dude is a DOUCHE and an asshole and a hateful, miserable piece of shit and so, as the story develops, you have to learn to like him as he slowly redeems himself and grows. And you do! And it’s so successful and kind of quiet and he never becomes a totally good guy, but he tries to do the right thing by this weird, awesome, sad kid who needs him. And it just works really well and is great.
Everyone in this is great, actually. Including John Ritter and Bernie Mac who are both dead now. That’s depressing. Tony Cox is great. Lauren Graham is smoking hot, but she’s also really tender and careful and not necessarily as developed or interesting as she should be, but I think you end up liking her a lot anyway. And, shockingly, I don’t get any whisper of slut-shaming around her character either. She sleeps with Santa as soon as she meets him, but there’s nothing in the movie that indicates that there’s anything wrong with it. SO RARE.
And that weird sad kid. SO WEIRD AND SAD. Brett Kelly is probably always going to be that fat kid with curly hair, but I think what he does in this is kind of remarkable. He’s so lonely and so sad and the viewer feels really bad and awful and sorry for him, but he’s positive and gentle and cherubic and he just likes Santa and wants to be his friend. When he tells Billy Bob Thornton that he knows he isn’t Santa but he hoped Billy Bob would get him a gift anyway because they’re friends? I legit lose my shit. FRIENDSHIP. And hope. And sadness. And yeah. It’s great, so shut up.
The only part of this movie that I don’t like is that there are two scenes of extended food consumption that not only turn my stomach but make me want to murder everyone involved in creating them. I have misophonia and Bernie Mac’s eating in his office while he talks to John Ritter is PHYSICALLY miserable to me. I had to pause it three or four times just to get through. And then Billy Bob Thornton does it to me later with broccoli. WHY. WHY DO MOVIE PEOPLE EVER THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?! Stop it, stop it right now.
ANYWAY, this one’s real good and I’m sad I had to watch it alone because my girlfriend has never seen it. It’s funny and it’s touching and it has a happy ending. Warm holiday fuzzies.
Monday’s festive-ass holiday bonanza was one of my girlfriend’s favorite Christmas movies, The Ref which I had never seen before despite being in love with Kevin Spacey for basically my entire life. [Calendar.]
I liked it, which is largely a duh at this point. I watch a holiday movie and then I usually like it. (That’s not very exciting, huh? I will try to hate more things in the future.) But it also left me feeling really… ugh, I don’t even know how to explain this without getting into a whole bunch of my psychological issues. BASICALLY, this bitch just hit WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME for it to be super enjoyable even though it’s funny and smart and real.
It is also SO DATED 90s in such an excellent way. The FASHIONS and the marriage counseling and the weird Enya-esque/acid jazz Christmas score that makes it sound like a movie for 90s sex fiends. There is SO MUCH SHOUTING also, which I don’t like. It stresses me out a lot. Any movie with lots of shouting gets voted a little down for me because it’s so uncomfortable to watch. Which is ridiculous because I am a shouter! Maybe it’s a sign of deep self-loathing. How exciting and 90s psych.
But yeah this was fun to watch sort of? When Mother Rose gets told off it’s REALLY SATISFYING because she’s so terrible and I also really enjoy them all sitting around the table with candle wreaths on their heads because that in itself is SO 90s (not candle wreaths themselves, but awkward, semi-appropriative multi-culturality) and also Christine Baranski who is the most best flawless for forever. Also, Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey forever. Perfect beauteous angel of glory.
I always get bummed when I watch Denis Leary stuff though because he’s just playing Denis Leary, I mean really. Shouting and smoking and ranting and swearing a lot. And he’s hot while he does it and good at it, but dang. Let’s see him play something quiet and sensitive and, like, meditative. Denis Leary, make one movie where you never raise your voice even once. I will give you exactly one dollar.
I also wish Robert J. Steinmiller Jr. had kept acting in movies for me to watch because he looks like a poor man’s mash-up of Wil Wheaton and River Phoenix and I would have been real into it had I seen this in my youth/as an adult if he grew into an attractive adult.
My only solidly legit complaint is that this thing ended REAL ABRUPTLY. Like, everything is just about to get exciting/tense/high-stakes and then Kevin Spacey is like, “SON, TAKE THIS THIEF AND RUN THROUGH THE WOODS WITH HIM” and then they do and the movie ends? How is that? What even? IMDB says that originally Denis Leary got caught but test audiences were like, “UGH NO EXCUSE U” and so they changed it and now Ted Demme is still real butthurt over it. Which I totally believe because 1. the end of the movie is totally rushed and 2. Ted Demme strikes me as an ass.
In conclusion, I DARE YOU TO FIND SOMEONE MORE PERFECT. YOU WON’T. DEAL WITH IT.
After having to re-juggle the schedule, Sunday night’s festive-ass flick became Love Actually [Caaaaalendar.] And it was a nice, easy, relaxing Sunday night because we’ve both seen this one about 600 times, each more enjoyable than the last. [Spoilers, obvs.]
I think part of what makes Love Actually so great is just that the whole thing is really warm. It’s not saccharine or cloying and there are painful things fluttering around in it, but the people involved in these stories love each other immensely, even when they’re hurting each other. Every story line is great, even Colin’s ridiculous trip to the US and each one gets just enough voice and legs to carry itself to a really satisfying end.
This is one of my pre-festive-ass favorites and since I’ve already covered some stuff about loving it, I thought I’d just kind of ramble about things I really love:
– Bill Nighy and Gregor Fisher. I think this is generally one of the most under appreciated elements of the movie. His manager is the love of his life! They’re old and happy together! FRIENDSHIP IS THE BEST.
– Hugh Grant caroling for the little girls who answer the door and the little running man move they do to “Good King Wenceslas” and basically the entirety of his door-to-door episode.
– The Nativity play! Lobsters! An octopus! A Spider-man faced crown-wearing child! It’s just so, so perfect. This is what kid recitals are like. This is so much what I imagine it is like being a parent. Gawd only knows how many times I went home with a weird lists of supplies and necessities for projects and performances. Gawd bless all the parents and guardians who put up with us.
– Which perfectly segues into all the great parenting going on in this thing! Liam Neeson is such a good dad! And Emma Thompson is such a good mom! And it all seems really natural and rewarding and easy but not effortless.
– Laura Linney and her brother. ABSOLUTE TEARS OF AGONY GUSHING FROM MY EYES every single time I watch and Laura Linney interact with her brother and hug him and be SUCH A GOOD AND PATIENT PERSON. Can’t deal with it.
– Every word that comes out of Kris Marshall’s mouth.
– Martin Freeman and Joanna Page. BEST MOST CUTE BEST.
I love all the stories, obvs. And this movie makes me re-love Hugh Grant every single time I watch it. Like, no joke. I love you, Hugh Grant. I do. And this movie has the faux-nostalgia-beautiful-place thing that Christmas movies set in New York do. It looks so pretty and lovely, I start thinking I could live there and be happy and joyful forever even though it’s so totally, adamantly untrue.
I spent most of this watch OBSESSING over British Christmas trees though. Like, I know they are not SPECIFICALLY British, they’re just untrimmed firs, but I could not stop freaking out about how PRETTY they are and the only way I was able to find similar ones was to Google “british christmas trees” so that’s just what they are.
Also, there are three separate incidences of holiday breasts in this one. Bless the British.
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