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Day 29 (29!) of the 31 Days of Festive-ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was The Nightmare Before Christmas which I have seen a lot and thought I loved, but kiiiiiiiind of didn’t/don’t?
Basically, the character designs in this are gorgeous. And inventive and lovely and interesting and awesome. And the music is great because, duh, Danny Elfman scores are always great, if not always brand new or exciting. And the animation is really good and fun to watch. I especially love the way that the Christmas town is rendered.
And all the sweet little Christmas details, like the thistle tree that busts into flames in Sally’s hands.
And I love both the Halloweentown and Christmastown kids are done, especially the Christmas GPOY to end all GPOYS of yours truly.
But, like, ugh. Jack is SO WHINY. OH I AM SO SAD I WANT TO HAVE CHRISTMAS FOR MYSELF IN ADDITION TO MY HALLOWEEN LIFE AND EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE WAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. And Oogie Boogie is a really weak-ass villain, frankly, and he feels super tacked-on to the story as a whole. And all of the weird ownership/creation of Sally stuff feels weird. And even though she’s a pretty decent character and kind of saves shit and is almost awesome, she’s so soft-spoken and traditionally pretty and boring. She just pines for Jack and poisons her creator/owner over and over again for most of the movie. And that’s a massive bummer.
But I still like to watch it for the great songs and the pretty sights and Santa’s excellent exit from Oogie Boogie’s lair at the end.
Day 28 of the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was The Polar Express.
I had heard SO MANY terrible things about this movie because I guess the animation is pretty bad? But I was more bugged by how the story was hideous? And how it just went on F – O – R – E – V – E – V – E – V – E – R. I don’t even understand how children have EVER sat through this. And then WHAT A TERRIBLE ENDING.
I was so unhappy watching this and waiting for it to be over that I actually abused twitter about it.
That’s not even, like, HALF of my notes. So… GREATEST HITS:
– Love that Josh Groban song. Love “Believe”. Love some Santa nonsense.
– CG is always best used on things that do not exist in the real world currently. Like, dinosaurs and transformers.
– They should have just called this the Tom Hanks Experience: A One Man Show.
– I ain’t gettin’ on no magic train with shouting-ass Tom Hanks dood.
– SMOOTH MOVE, EX-LAX (I do not even know what this was about.)
– Why is this kid the Santa-christ? How has no one given him the “those are Santa’s helpers” speech? WHY DOES HE EXPECT A SANTA IN A WINDOW DISPLAY TO BE REAL?!
– What is even… What. WUT. (I have no idea.)
– TERRIFYING TOYS FROM HELL
– Sinister as fuck skipping record business.
– This Santa show is TOO MUCH. Santa needs to slow his roll.
– WAIT. SLEIGH BELLS?!
– Santa doesn’t start his trip ’til after midnight? HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? That’s some bullshit.
– IF YOU HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY TO THE NORTH POLE AND HAVE SANTA GIVE YOU A GIFT FROM HIS VERY OWN HAND IN ORDER TO BELIEVE IN HIM, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BELIEVE IN SANTA.
So yeah, suffice it to say that I did not enjoy this one. But I still love that Josh Groban song.
Day 27 of 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was Die Hard which I had NEVER BEFORE SEEN! Shock! Gasp! Horror!
I didn’t want to watch Die Hard. Not at all. I had gone almost 27 years without ever watching it and I was pretty okay with going the rest of my life without it. But my girlfriend was like, “Dude, it’s good” and “Dude, it’s a holiday tradition” and “Dude, ALAN RICKMAN.” And so finally I caved, like I do to most things, so she would shuuuuuut up about it already.
And we watched it! And there was lots of explosions! And it was pretty funny! And Alan Rickman is so hot and so great. And Bruce Willis was SUCH a babe. And it was good! And I will probably watch it again. So I am glad I finally gave in!
I don’t have a lot of notes because, uhhhhhhh, to be honest I spent a lot of it staring at the new Facebook timeline and deleting awkward vague status updates from 2k5 and 2k6. BAD JUJU. And also responding to really old comments to mock the people that originally left them. THAT WAS FUN. So:
– LISTEN TO REGINALD VELJOHNSON, PAUL GLEASON
– Dude, this is an enormous waste of bullets and glass.
– This is the LONGEST “Tell ’em this if I die” message in HISTORY. Like, Bruce Willis, can you write that down on a scrap of paper and send it down as a paper airplane?! Reginald VelJohnson can’t remember all this shit. HE IS NOT A COURT REPORTER, SHUT UP ALREADY.
– John McClane can outrun ANY BULLET.
– ARGYLE IS THE BEST FOREVER ILU ARGYLE ILUSVM
– HUGGING! MANLY HEARTFELT HUGGING!
And that’s it. Also, Mrs. McClane’s real last name is Bedelia. I can’t get over that shit. STILL.
Movie number 26 of 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was Eight Crazy Nights which I have seen a million times and is great and terrible and always reminds me of one of my best friends.
I have no notes on this one. It’s sort of an… either you can tolerate/like Adam Sandler movies or you can’t kind of thing. And I can. I love Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore and Big Daddy and this one falls right in there. Douchebag with a heart gets redeemed. Douchebag is Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler is annoying-ish. And in this one there are songs! Pretty good ones, honestly. I sing “that’s a technical fooooooul” more than probably necessary in anyone’s life.
There is lots of heinous/problematic stuff including racism, transphobia, homophobia, fat-shaming, ableism, and a really irritating Asian stereotype! Voiced by Rob Schneider! Because OF COURSE. Protip, moviemakers: if you want an animated character to be Asian, HIRE AN ASIAN ACTOR. Apply to other ethnicities/races/demographics ad infinitum. I’m just grateful I have the language and the knowledge to recognize this shit. Because, seriously, can you imagine sitting through something and being totally ignorant to all of the hateful shit you’re absorbing? Ignorance is bliss, right? Damn.
Anyway, I love the deer and Whitey and Eleanor:
And Benjamin and I love that has a joyful ending and that, even after a “butthole relapse” Davey turns his shit around. It’s a heartwarming holiday movie about Hanukkah, okay? There aren’t a lot of those.
I like that there are fat characters, even if they are generally being mocked. I love the fat showgirls!
But most of all, I LOVE that when this image came up on screen, my girlfriend said, “If I hadn’t met you, that would’ve been me and my brother.”
I laughed so hard I had to pause and go to the bathroom to pee. Beautiful.
Anyway, I really enjoy watching this movie, but I am basically the only person that does, I think. It has terrible reviews and the only person I know who actually likes it too is my BFF Bryce with whom I have viewed it multiple times. Watch at your own risk, basically, is what I’m saying.
Also, I loved this:
SO CUTE.
Movie number 25 of the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was Nutcracker: The Motion Picture and dear god ballet is so boring this barely kept me conscious. Also, I accidentally watched it out of order, but am posting it in the correct place DEAL WITH IT.
The thing is, I watched this movie because it reminds me of first grade. Because my first grade teacher asked us if anyone had a copy of any version of The Nutcracker and I was like, “I DO” except I was LYING which was a thing I did so people would like me and she was like, “Great! CAN YOU BRING IT IN TOMORROW?!” because it was the last day before Christmas break and she wanted us to have a video day. And I was like, “UH. SURE.” So when I got home, I told my parents and they took went and bought a copy so that I’d have something to show up with. GOOD PARENTS.
THE THING IS THO, this isn’t the right version.
THIS is:
Which I am grateful for not realizing until after the fact because that one seems even more boring than this one was because at least this one had some cool-ass sets and stuff. I only figured out that it wasn’t the right one when I googled the VHS box because I remembered the aqua back of that one so vividly.
ANYWAY, ballet is sooooooooo boring. I thought the Nutcracker was like a cool and interesting thing, but not so much. And I fell asleep at my desk twice while running this.
NOTES:
– INTENSE TOYMAKING
– Dude, don’t ever use a lathe in those sleeves, YOU WILL LOSE AN ARM.
– Contemplating the sleeping self?
– Ballerina skirts are so weird.
– Holy shit this movie is long.
– Ugh weird normal rat guy in suit.
– Wait, she’s a woman now because she killed the rat king with her glowing shoe?
– I AM A BEAUTIFUL ADULT LADY AND MY NUTCRACKER BF PREVIOUSLY STARRED IN PORN (DAT MUSTACHE)
– Oh man the sets in this are so pretty.
– A lot of the ballerina’s job is being held up in the air.
That’s how uninterested I was in this as I was watching it. SORRY NUTCRACKER I AM TOO UNCULTURED FOR YOU.
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