Day five of Festive-Ass Flicks was the live-action Jim Carrey How the Grinch Stole Christmas from 2000. [Here is the calendar if you want to check it out/follow along at home!] Which my girlfriend had never seen before! Which was kind of amazing to me since I saw this thing in the theaters when it came out with some of my friends from high school. I thought it was like a THING, even if you didn’t have a child to take.
I remember really liking this version when I saw it in theaters and obviously liked it enough to buy it on DVD at some point and I have DEFINITELY had repeated, serious moments of over-identifying with “Where Are You Christmas?” but this rewatch kind of confirmed all the terrible reviews.
Jim Carrey is always painful to watch, but I remembered the Grinch being more tempered and natural. Good god was I wrong. He is EXCRUCIATING. And, like, the Grinch SHOULD be a big, exaggerated character! And still somehow Jim Carrey goes too far. Josh Ryan Evans is great as the eight year old Grinch. That’s the kind of personality/attitude that Jim Carrey should have been striving for. And he’s cute and pretty damn complex for an eight year old character.
Taylor Momsen is GREAT though. I hate child actors that are clearly good at what they’re doing because it just frustrates and embarrasses me. I don’t even want to think about what I was probably accomplishing at that age. Crayons? Cursive? Mastery of the bathroom? I don’t like anybody that causes me an existential crisis. Especially one about my childhood. But she’s the cutest Who and so good at being sad and curious and hopeful and kind. Screw you if you don’t think characters in kid-friendly movies can be complex and interesting. Raise your standards! You are why we keep ending up with shit.
Also, she done grown UP.
Whoville approves.
Anyway, it turns out that basically what I DO like about this movie is the art direction. They brought Dr. Seuss’ world to life in a way I can get behind. Whoville is beautiful and charming and cozy and kooky. It’s a world that looks like it would sing nonsense Christmas songs and produce people like Cindy Lou and the Grinch.
It was kind of a bummer though because the movie really looks like shit. I assume it’s the DVD transfer (because I don’t remember it looking that bad in theaters, but I also don’t remember anything ever, so.) and it looks grainy and dark and flat and dull as hell. And every caps site I went to had dark, grainy caps. DVD bummer.
Anyway, BABY GRINCH IS THE BEST GRINCH. And basically the best part of the movie.
But in conclusion, this movie has the most adult joke I’ve ever witnessed in a family-friendly movie.
Yo, the night the Grinch was born unto Whoville, his old biddy (code: LESBIAN, let’s get real) mothers were having a CHRISTMAS KEY PARTY. Who-swapping in Whoville. Gawd bless Whomerica.
The Max Fleischer version is part of a collection of holiday shorts that are rather notorious for being of-the-era racist. Luckily, since this one’s about reindeer, it’s not so much of an issue. ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT BE. I am white and we are notoriously bad at recognizing obvious issues that are right in front of our faces.
Honestly, the whole thing was pretty forgettable. I know I must have seen it as a kid because I vaguely remembered the animation and the terrifying two-legged way the reindeer walk and interact with one another.
Rudolph’s mom is kind of a babe and the other reindeer are enormous dicks (which is just part of what makes the story what it is) and Santa reacts to fog like a drunk-ass driver. Every time I think about Rudolph’s story in general I have to wonder what the fuck Santa did all the other times that Christmas Eve weather was a little rough. Like, we are supposed to believe that EVERY OTHER CHRISTMAS EVE IN HISTORY was pleasant and clear the entire world over? Sit the hell down.
ALSO, Santa’s got a real big opinion of his job: “Rudolph, my boy, they’ll envy you now far and near for no greater honor can come to a deer then riding with Santa and guiding my sleigh, the number one job on the number one day.” Like, whoa, slow your confidence roll, Kringle. Being a part of Santa’s crew is great and all, but I am sure there are all kinds of other reindeer jobs that are just as fulfilling and important.
Watching the Rankin/Bass version was a lot more personally traumatic/important to me because I never saw it as a kid because I was scared of claymation. I didn’t see anything claymation until The Nightmare Before Christmas and I waited like… five years after that came out to finally watch it. And by then I was like 14. I KNOW IT IS WEIRD TO BE AFRAID OF CLAYMATION. We don’t even need to discuss that issue, okay?
I started out thinking about the Rudolph story really critically/academically because it’s such an archetypical story. A weirdo appears, a weirdo is shunned, a weirdo is accepted. Except it’s not a positive story about being a weirdo and being accepted, it’s a story about how we are only valuable if we are useful to the machine. It’s baaaaaasically Focault’s ideas of docile bodies. And that’s messed up! ALMOST EVERYONE SHUNS RUDOLPH. His own father is ashamed of him (which Santa TELLS him to be!) and the other young reindeer are almost afraid of him once his nose is revealed and there is no sign of forgiveness until Santa deems him useful.
But then I just started getting really frustrated because GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE IS TOO LONG. Seriously. I don’t understand how kids sit through this! If someone had tried to make me watch this when I was little, I would have gotten bored before the ginger miner shows up and started throwing a tantrum. SO LONG. And the abominable snowman is the slowest moving monster in all history. Like, WAIT, we will stop and chat for a few minutes while he advances on us slower than honey pouring from a jar. And then there is STILL MORE MOVIE.
Donner’s an asshole and so are all the other reindeer. Mrs. Donner and Clarice are awesome. And Hermey is the best, sassiest, most flippy-hair-having dentist elf I have ever seen. And Santa is a dick. I think Santa just might be universally a dick.
Now that I’ve crossed the landmark/hurdle of watching the first Rankin/Bass, I might spend some time watching the other ones. Maybe. Claymation still really freaks me out.
I saw the first Harold & Kumar when I was in college (I am 90% certain that I actually went to see it alone…) and loved it and laughed a lot and was super excited even then before I had gotten into activism because there were people of color! In lead roles! And not playing stereotypes! And they were babes! And then it made a whole bunch of money and they made a couple more! SWEET.
The point is me and Harold and Kumar go way back and I wasn’t disappointed and I laughed a lot and my girlfriend laughed a lot and the few other people in the theater laughed a lot. The 3D was excellent. 3D snow! 3D claymation dicks! 3D lesbian nuns!
And a baby on drugs! I HATE BABIES. But I wanted to hang out with that fucked up baby for the rest of my LIFE. The only babies that should ever be in movies are ones that are intoxicated. Someone popular on Twitter said something once about how Betty White’s cameos aren’t actually funny because it’s just an old lady doing and saying things we don’t expect an old lady to do and say. But like, fuck that. That’s a HUGE PART of what comedy is. The unexpected is often VITAL to laughter. And like, you do not expect a baby to get high or do coke and that could have been left a weak joke on its own, but it wasn’t! It got funnier.
So yeah, I deeply enjoyed watching this movie show. And Thomas Lennon was great and I love Amir Blumenfeld OBVIOUSLY because duh. And yeah, it was good and I will watch it again.
Watching Amir Blumenfeld just makes me want a movie where he and Chris Marquette play brothers and do dumb shit to each other but come together to help their family save their house/stop their parents’ divorce/find wives or husbands so and get married so they don’t lose their inheritance. WHATEVER WORKS. Let’s do this, guys. I can write it, I clearly have the skills just bubbling under my skin.
The best part of the movie was how the AMC dude came in to clean the theater but my girlfriend and I refused to leave because the credits weren’t over yet and they ran so long that he eventually just gave up and didn’t clean the theater. I NEVER WALK OUT ON THE CREDITS. WALKING OUT ON THE CREDITS IS SO ROOD. SIT THROUGH THE CREDITS AND PAY YOUR RESPECTS. Dude could have just walked up the stairs and seen that there was no mess anywhere anyway, dang.
Basically — John Cho and Kal Penn forever — is what I’m saying.
Last night after spending all day with various incarnations of my girlfriend’s family and hanging up Christmas lights and going to see The Muppets… we STILL managed to come home and watch Miracle on 34th Street just as scheduled. [Here is the calendar if you want to check it out/follow along at home!]
Can we talk about this movie, you guys? [I HOPE IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT I AM GOING TO DISCUSS SPOILERS IN THIS POST ABOUT A SIXTY-FIVE YEAR OLD MOVIE.] I know the story obviously because I didn’t grow up in a bubble, but I had never seen it or the remake with Matilda or even that old-but-not-as-old-as-the-original made-for-TV one. I LOVED IT. I mean, really. I L-O-V-E-D it. I was losing my mind for Kris Kringle and Mr. Macy and Mr. Gimbel being grouchy, reluctant friends and ALFRED. ALFRED AKA BASICALLY THE BEST PART OF THE ENTIRE MOVIE.
these are my super scientific and exact notes about the movie
The Alfred story is kind of my favorite part of the movie and my girlfriend said it wasn’t in the remake and OF COURSE it isn’t because modern people would be like, “I don’t know, that kid seems like a pedo” because that was our immediate reaction because that’s how we’re trained to see young men: sex-crazed and out of control. But, of cooooooourse, Kris Kringle’s okay because old people are sexless. BUT clearly Alfred just wanted to make kids happy and it was so sweet and he ended up being my favorite. Move over Kris Kringle, Alfred Claus has work to do.
I spend most of the time I am watching movies (especially old movies, but new ones too, I AM LOOKING AT YOU, MUPPETS) waiting for people of color and I am always struck anew at how fucking WHITE movies are. Theresa Harris made her couple of lone appearances and gave her, like, one line and was beautiful and talented while doing it, but dang. Still always such a bummer.
Also, I couldn’t get over what a terrible person Doris is. She’s a good provider and a good example of making your way in the business world as a woman of the time and she’s kind of sassy (not as sassy as Kris Kringle tho!) and independent but, man. Like, I know you are upset because your ex broke your heart, but yo, you are not teaching your child to live in the real world you are KILLING HER IMAGINATION. She doesn’t even know how to pretend to be a damn wild animal in order to make friends. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER?! And I am always bored of the bitter-single-woman-saved-by-love story (even though this one is sweet!). But she could’ve bought a vibrator and gave herself a good time and relaxed a little bit before she RUINED HER CHILD FOREVER.
Anyway, I loved Natalie Wood’s faces in this masterpiece and she’s so cute and precocious and stuff and I love that she believes and that she is SO CUTE and does some good acting things.
AND I LOVED MOST OF ALL THAT NO ONE MENTIONED GOD AT ALL. That was great. Christmas is all presents and Santa and having faith in people and Santa and the United State Postal Service (I am CRAZY IN LOVE with the USPS. Nobody loves the Postal Service like me.) Especially after my girlfriend was like, “Matilda’s ends with IN GOD WE TRUST being the proof-maker” and then I threw up.
ALSO, I loved the little Dutch girl with a mother who essentially seems that she can’t even communicate with her new adopted child but then Kris Kringle is like, “ICH BIN EIN BERLINER” (except… in Dutch) and it’s SO GOOD. And hooray for it being a deaf girl in the remake.
ANYWAY, s my favorite part of the movie is right at the end after Natalie Wood has been disappointed by not getting a HOUSE for Christmas and something breaks in her brain and she turns into a believing-in-Santa ZOMBIE. Looooooooooooooooooooooooooove it. Cued for your viewing pleasure.
Tonight the girlfriend and I settled into bed with toasties (baguette toasted and loaded with spiced goat cheese, roasted garlic, and oven-dried tomatoes) and watched the first day of festive-ass holiday movies. Tonight was three classic holiday specials that all, coincidentally, first appeared on CBS.
We watched A Garfield Christmas Special first because it was the most recent (1987), the least loved, and also the least good and we wanted to save the best for last. Basically, it’s not that great and the animation is HIDEOUS and it turns out that it really, REALLY bothers me that Garfield doesn’t move his mouth when he talks. If only the viewer could understand him, I’d be okay with that, but there is no evidence pointing confidently in that direction.
Garfield suffers the same fate as most people and is forced to endure a holiday with people he doesn’t like but it’s particularly irritating to him because they won’t come to HIS HOUSE where he has his warm bed. This is a problem with which I relate. I would be way more amenable to hanging out with people I dislike if I could just do it from the comfort of my glorious bed.
Anyway, the best part of this entire thing is Garfield’s sassy, but gently sad Grandma who is fucking awesome. She’s smart-mouthed and loves Garfield and says that since Grandpa died she’s spent a lot of her time “rockin’ and strokin’ my cats”.
I don’t regret watching this, buuuuuuut it’s not exactly going to become a family tradition. I honestly can’t even remember if I had seen it before. Not exactly stellar memorable fare.
Next up was How the Grinch Stole Christmas…, the second eldest (1966) which is obviously excellent and beautiful and sweet and moving and stuff. The art direction in this thing is glorious and it really follows the spirit and brilliance of the book to a T.
I want to live in Whoville. I want to be a Who. I want to feel so moved by the spirit of joy and Christmas love that I sing nonsense while holding hands with my fellow Whos around the tree in the town center. I want to compel the Grinch to suddenly and abruptly give up his evil quest just with the power of my mad caroling skills.
This one is a classic for a reason even though it kind of ends suddenly. Also, Boris Karloff. Also, Chuck Jones. Also, Thurl Ravenscroft. Get over it, you know you love this thing.
Finally, we watched the oldest (1965) and the most iconic of the television Christmas specials, A Charlie Brown Christmas. OBVIOUSLY this one is great and beloved for a reason and it’s adorable and sweet and has the best soundtrack to ever come from a holiday television special ever. It’s not Christmas for me until I watch this thing. It is Christmas.
The thing is, the special itself isn’t that good. It is? I don’t know. It’s pretty to look at in a very rough/sweet way and the music is OUT OF THIS WORLD good and it’s the Peanuts so it’s obviously important to our collective media conscious and so many iconic things come from it visually/~spiritually~ — that sad little Christmas tree, Snoopy’s doghouse all decorated, the singing kids at the end, the dancing kids on the stage — but, and this is probably largely because it’s a 30 minute special made for television — it doesn’t really have a solid, genuine cohesive element.
Charlie Brown is sad and the other kids are mean to him for no real reason then he gets upset because no one knows the true meaning of Christmas then Linus quotes a LOT of the bible and then… Charlie Brown is still sad and shouting about COMMERCIALISM, but now the kids are kind of nice and decorate his tree? And then hark some angels and it’s all over, Merry fucking Christmas.
Regardless, it’s still better than the shit one that aired in 1992 which we watched anyway because we hate ourselves.
And the Vince Guaraldi soundtrack is still the most amazing collection of holiday music ever ever ever.
It is so good that one time when I was in high school, I was doing chemistry homework while listening to the dulcet and jolly tones of the Dish Network holiday channel and I was SO INTENSELY MOVED by the version of “O Tannenbaum” from the soundtrack that I stood up and slow-danced with a couch cushion while crying.
