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The seventh festive-ass flick was Joyeux Noël which both I and my girlfriend are familiar with because she made me watch it with her when we first met because she is crazy and loves French things. [Spoilers ahead! Also, here is the calendar again because this is what I do.]
Joyeux Noël is the story of the World War I cease-fire that theoretically/historically/fictionally/sort of happened on Christmas Eve in 1914. There are elements of the movie that are based on things that are known to have happened, but IIIIIIIIIIII don’t really care ’cause I just watch movies for entertainment. Not to learn stuff. LEARNIN’ IS FOR NERDS.
So the three commanding dudes of the French, German, and Scottish armies basically tell their dudes to hang out after the Scottish guys play bagpipes and a German dude sings “Silent Night” in German and in a joyous and loud manner and then climbs up into No Man’s Land carrying a Christmas tree and continuing to sing operatically like it’s no big deal and all of this is totally normal. But no one shoots him so it’s okay and they all get drunk together and a French and German dude argue over the provenance of a little orange tabby cat that has been playing them both for food. Cats is smart. And also a bunch of stuff happens and it’s all very heartwarming and a good reminder that war is bad and it SUCKS for everyone in it and no one is totally evil? Except Hitler, but this isn’t his war yet, SO HOLD ON.
I like this movie a lot. It’s really beautiful and moving and FUNNY and sweet and old timey and stuff. And it’s worth watching! And it’s got a nice, moving middle bit. But it’s just SURROUNDED BY DEATH. It’s like: war and dead people, war and dead people, BREASTS, friendliness, ten minutes of Christmas joy, and then EVERYONE GETS PUNISHED AND GOES TO HELL. And that’s kind of a bummer.
My favorite parts of movie are this:
– the German and French dudes being super friends in sadness
– the Scottish guy being all Scottish and jovial and rabbit-looking
– the operatic dude looking like someone tried to draw Crispin Glover after having only been described his face and also with their eyes closed
– the cat being shot for treason (this is sad but ALSO TRUE — they shot a CAT for TREASON)
– the march from one trench to another to avoid being bombed because everyone was friends then and didn’t want to kill each other
– the way all these dudes react to seeing a woman in the trenches
– French guy making the German eat the chocolate first and then giving it back when they fight over the kitten like, “I DON’T NEED YOUR CHOCOLATE, THIS IS MY CAT”
– sharing pictures of their wives
– Daniel Brühl being all Daniel Brühly and also being like, “LOL XMAS I AM JEWISH.”
– Scottish teamwork to dump their commander in human excrement.
– I am not going to pretend I am not deeply interested in Diane Kruger’s nipple. Merry Topless Christmas.
My LEAST favorite part of the movie is the Scottish guy that keeps hugging his dead brother. Like, I am sad for that guy. They went to war together! And they were together! And his brother died! AND THAT IS SO AWFUL. And I am normally SO INVESTED in brotherly tragedy/pain/angst. But then he spends the whole time hugging him and crying while STRADDLING HIS DEAD BODY and then almost getting killed because he’s trying to bury him and it is just AWFUL. SO AWFUL. And he keeps sending letters to his mom being like, “ME AND MY BROTHER ARE OKAY. WE LOVE OUR MITTENS. LOVE YOU MOM.” Please, Dead-Brother-Hugger, stop it. I don’t know how to read you as a character and you are making everyone REAL UNCOMFORTABLE.
So yeah, watch this one. It’s real good and pretty and wonderful. Joyeux Noël is a movie for people who like war and death and breasts with their Christmas. Grit’s good for you, damn it. It can’t be candy canes and reindeer and snowflakes on eyelashes all the time OKAY.
Wednesday night marked the first scheduling chance in the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks calendar where I subbed in Scrooged for Elf because I hadn’t realized how early I had Elf set. It’s one of my favorites, it has to be saved! [Here is the update calendar for your viewing pleasure.]
Scrooged is a real good movie. I have a lot of memories of watching it as a kid because it is LEGITIMATELY terrifying and is responsible for one of my most inane fears (moving skeletons! DON’T LIKE ‘EM ONE BIT.) and also I had a lot of youthful lesbian feelings toward Carol Kane.
This is one of those movies that makes me feel intense desires about New York. (See also: Elf, Annie Hall, Ghostbusters, Big, Working Girl, Hackers, The First Wives Club, 13 Going on 30, and 30 Rock.) It’s like… if it was always Christmas in NYC and the snow wasn’t slippery and I had a good warm wardrobe I would totally want to live there. If it was always safe-snowy and beautiful and covered in elaborate light and window displays, I would totally, totally be down.
ANYWAY, Scrooged is great. Bill Murray is great. Carol Kane is great. Karen Allen is great. Bobcat Goldthwait is, as always, flawless and ridiculous. IT IS ALL GOOD. And the story still feels really relevant/current. And the dated stuff is delightful. VHS! The clothes! Network television being relevant and popular! It also screams 80s because there’s no real vilification of Frank’s wealth, just his shitty behavior. And that’s pretty interesting.
I also think it’s really weird that we’re supposed to be mad at Frank for ditching Christmas Eve dinner with his friends in the flashback-y region of the movie. Like, friends are the most important thing in my life. My friends and family are one in the same to me. But if an opportunity that would facilitate my achieving something important to me arose and I had to cancel plans in order to do it, my friends and family would EASILY understand. That whole exchange is really awkward actually. I think the “Let’s take a break” thing is supposed to communicate to the viewer that Frank’s job has put a strain on their relationship already, but it just comes off like Karen Allen has some serious issues. IT’S ONE DINNER, DANG. Or it’s a sign that the AMC TV version edited out some really important character stuff. There are just so many better reasons to think Frank’s a dick and that one isn’t a very good precursor to them.
But yeah, I want to talk about how I don’t understand why there aren’t a whole bunch of people my age with extreme trauma from watching this thing. THIS MOVIE IS TERRIFYING.
And if that isn’t bad enough:
At the end they are holding gifts and bells and shit! WHAT WEIRDO DECIDED THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?!
ANYWAY, Scrooged is an excellent, relevant, hilarious, dark, and delightful holiday ROMP. Or something.
Day five of Festive-Ass Flicks was the live-action Jim Carrey How the Grinch Stole Christmas from 2000. [Here is the calendar if you want to check it out/follow along at home!] Which my girlfriend had never seen before! Which was kind of amazing to me since I saw this thing in the theaters when it came out with some of my friends from high school. I thought it was like a THING, even if you didn’t have a child to take.
I remember really liking this version when I saw it in theaters and obviously liked it enough to buy it on DVD at some point and I have DEFINITELY had repeated, serious moments of over-identifying with “Where Are You Christmas?” but this rewatch kind of confirmed all the terrible reviews.
Jim Carrey is always painful to watch, but I remembered the Grinch being more tempered and natural. Good god was I wrong. He is EXCRUCIATING. And, like, the Grinch SHOULD be a big, exaggerated character! And still somehow Jim Carrey goes too far. Josh Ryan Evans is great as the eight year old Grinch. That’s the kind of personality/attitude that Jim Carrey should have been striving for. And he’s cute and pretty damn complex for an eight year old character.
Taylor Momsen is GREAT though. I hate child actors that are clearly good at what they’re doing because it just frustrates and embarrasses me. I don’t even want to think about what I was probably accomplishing at that age. Crayons? Cursive? Mastery of the bathroom? I don’t like anybody that causes me an existential crisis. Especially one about my childhood. But she’s the cutest Who and so good at being sad and curious and hopeful and kind. Screw you if you don’t think characters in kid-friendly movies can be complex and interesting. Raise your standards! You are why we keep ending up with shit.
Also, she done grown UP.
Whoville approves.
Anyway, it turns out that basically what I DO like about this movie is the art direction. They brought Dr. Seuss’ world to life in a way I can get behind. Whoville is beautiful and charming and cozy and kooky. It’s a world that looks like it would sing nonsense Christmas songs and produce people like Cindy Lou and the Grinch.
It was kind of a bummer though because the movie really looks like shit. I assume it’s the DVD transfer (because I don’t remember it looking that bad in theaters, but I also don’t remember anything ever, so.) and it looks grainy and dark and flat and dull as hell. And every caps site I went to had dark, grainy caps. DVD bummer.
Anyway, BABY GRINCH IS THE BEST GRINCH. And basically the best part of the movie.
But in conclusion, this movie has the most adult joke I’ve ever witnessed in a family-friendly movie.
Yo, the night the Grinch was born unto Whoville, his old biddy (code: LESBIAN, let’s get real) mothers were having a CHRISTMAS KEY PARTY. Who-swapping in Whoville. Gawd bless Whomerica.
Day four of festive-ass flicks was a double feature: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, the 1947 Max Fleischer short and the 1964 Rankin/Bass television special. [Here is the calendar if you want to check it out/follow along at home!]
The Max Fleischer version is part of a collection of holiday shorts that are rather notorious for being of-the-era racist. Luckily, since this one’s about reindeer, it’s not so much of an issue. ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT BE. I am white and we are notoriously bad at recognizing obvious issues that are right in front of our faces.
Honestly, the whole thing was pretty forgettable. I know I must have seen it as a kid because I vaguely remembered the animation and the terrifying two-legged way the reindeer walk and interact with one another.
Rudolph’s mom is kind of a babe and the other reindeer are enormous dicks (which is just part of what makes the story what it is) and Santa reacts to fog like a drunk-ass driver. Every time I think about Rudolph’s story in general I have to wonder what the fuck Santa did all the other times that Christmas Eve weather was a little rough. Like, we are supposed to believe that EVERY OTHER CHRISTMAS EVE IN HISTORY was pleasant and clear the entire world over? Sit the hell down.
ALSO, Santa’s got a real big opinion of his job: “Rudolph, my boy, they’ll envy you now far and near for no greater honor can come to a deer then riding with Santa and guiding my sleigh, the number one job on the number one day.” Like, whoa, slow your confidence roll, Kringle. Being a part of Santa’s crew is great and all, but I am sure there are all kinds of other reindeer jobs that are just as fulfilling and important.
Watching the Rankin/Bass version was a lot more personally traumatic/important to me because I never saw it as a kid because I was scared of claymation. I didn’t see anything claymation until The Nightmare Before Christmas and I waited like… five years after that came out to finally watch it. And by then I was like 14. I KNOW IT IS WEIRD TO BE AFRAID OF CLAYMATION. We don’t even need to discuss that issue, okay?
I started out thinking about the Rudolph story really critically/academically because it’s such an archetypical story. A weirdo appears, a weirdo is shunned, a weirdo is accepted. Except it’s not a positive story about being a weirdo and being accepted, it’s a story about how we are only valuable if we are useful to the machine. It’s baaaaaasically Focault’s ideas of docile bodies. And that’s messed up! ALMOST EVERYONE SHUNS RUDOLPH. His own father is ashamed of him (which Santa TELLS him to be!) and the other young reindeer are almost afraid of him once his nose is revealed and there is no sign of forgiveness until Santa deems him useful.
But then I just started getting really frustrated because GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE IS TOO LONG. Seriously. I don’t understand how kids sit through this! If someone had tried to make me watch this when I was little, I would have gotten bored before the ginger miner shows up and started throwing a tantrum. SO LONG. And the abominable snowman is the slowest moving monster in all history. Like, WAIT, we will stop and chat for a few minutes while he advances on us slower than honey pouring from a jar. And then there is STILL MORE MOVIE.
Donner’s an asshole and so are all the other reindeer. Mrs. Donner and Clarice are awesome. And Hermey is the best, sassiest, most flippy-hair-having dentist elf I have ever seen. And Santa is a dick. I think Santa just might be universally a dick.
Now that I’ve crossed the landmark/hurdle of watching the first Rankin/Bass, I might spend some time watching the other ones. Maybe. Claymation still really freaks me out.
Sunday night marked the only theater-going scheduled [Here is the calendar if you want to check it out/follow along at home!] for festive-ass movie watching and it was for A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas. [Spoilers herein! Obvs.]
I saw the first Harold & Kumar when I was in college (I am 90% certain that I actually went to see it alone…) and loved it and laughed a lot and was super excited even then before I had gotten into activism because there were people of color! In lead roles! And not playing stereotypes! And they were babes! And then it made a whole bunch of money and they made a couple more! SWEET.
The point is me and Harold and Kumar go way back and I wasn’t disappointed and I laughed a lot and my girlfriend laughed a lot and the few other people in the theater laughed a lot. The 3D was excellent. 3D snow! 3D claymation dicks! 3D lesbian nuns!
And a baby on drugs! I HATE BABIES. But I wanted to hang out with that fucked up baby for the rest of my LIFE. The only babies that should ever be in movies are ones that are intoxicated. Someone popular on Twitter said something once about how Betty White’s cameos aren’t actually funny because it’s just an old lady doing and saying things we don’t expect an old lady to do and say. But like, fuck that. That’s a HUGE PART of what comedy is. The unexpected is often VITAL to laughter. And like, you do not expect a baby to get high or do coke and that could have been left a weak joke on its own, but it wasn’t! It got funnier.
So yeah, I deeply enjoyed watching this movie show. And Thomas Lennon was great and I love Amir Blumenfeld OBVIOUSLY because duh. And yeah, it was good and I will watch it again.
Watching Amir Blumenfeld just makes me want a movie where he and Chris Marquette play brothers and do dumb shit to each other but come together to help their family save their house/stop their parents’ divorce/find wives or husbands so and get married so they don’t lose their inheritance. WHATEVER WORKS. Let’s do this, guys. I can write it, I clearly have the skills just bubbling under my skin.
The best part of the movie was how the AMC dude came in to clean the theater but my girlfriend and I refused to leave because the credits weren’t over yet and they ran so long that he eventually just gave up and didn’t clean the theater. I NEVER WALK OUT ON THE CREDITS. WALKING OUT ON THE CREDITS IS SO ROOD. SIT THROUGH THE CREDITS AND PAY YOUR RESPECTS. Dude could have just walked up the stairs and seen that there was no mess anywhere anyway, dang.
Basically — John Cho and Kal Penn forever — is what I’m saying.
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