in recent years

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celestial body conflict

So I’m trying not to feel weird and bummed about my internship and my attempts at avoidance are not going particularly well (and I will explain regardless of the outcome once I actually know what the outcome is) so I’m going to BLOG. The internet is millennial therapy, NO JOKE.

So my girlfriend has been trying to get me to watch the original Star Wars trilogy for… the entire four years I have known her? Because she was legitimately horrified that I hadn’t seen it. (I saw the third prequel in theaters, that counts for… absolutely nothing.) But I get sooooooooooooo impatient with sci-fi and fantasy that I can’t sit through anything. ANYTHING. Name a fantasy or sci-fi movie or series and there is an almost-certainty that I will not have seen it. Lord of the Rings? No. The Matrix? No. OG Star Trek? No. Battlestar Galactica? No. Jesus Chronicles of Narnia? No. The Neverending Story? No. Labyrinth? No. If I list anymore you’ll assume I grew up in a cave and I did not, I swear.

But ANYWAY, I finally gave in and started watching the Star Wars thing with her a couple of weeks ago and it was pretty okay! I think. I don’t know because I could only watch like 40 minutes at a time before I would have to take a break for three or four days. Or a week. Or two. But we’re done now! And whatever, I like the one with all the muppets! What’s wrong with you people. Ewoks, cute as fuck. Ewoks dancing. So many joyful, tiny dog-bears.

But there is something we have to talk about now. And no, that thing is not 1. Han Solo the babeatron or 2. Princess Leia the BOSS or 3. fuuuuuuuck Yoda sucks. It is this:

WHAT WHAT WHAT. HOW CAN ANYONE DEAL WITH THIS. I CAN’T DEAL WITH IT. I CAN’T. Why is everyone just walking around pretending that Yoda doesn’t sound EXACTLY LIKE MISS PIGGY?! I know Frank Oz did both, I KNEW THAT, but COME ON. I can’t, I just can’t, internet. I JUST CANNOT.

It’s like if Miss Piggy and Kermit had a real old baby. I tried to morph that on the internet, but it did not go well.

Muppets are clearly not meant for morph.

ANYWAY WHATEVER. Life-changer:

flawless

I just want to hug him and squeeze him and love him for life, you guys. I just want a Wicket of my own that lives with me and rubs my feet and lets me feed him starfruit while we watch British sitcoms. This is my ideal life, just give it to me.

This life does not include sex with a small, cute bear-dog Ewok creature. Just starfruit, okay.

NOT SEX WITH STARFRUIT EITHER OKAY. Stop it.