in recent years

   

   

adulthood is a menace

I am TERRIBLE at making time for the things I want to do and, to be fair, am only marginally better at both making the time and expending the energy to do the things I have to do, but I am very tired of myself for not making time to blog which is something I desperately want to do.

How do you make time for all the things you have to do and all the things you need to do and all the things you want to do? I have the same number of hours in a day as Beyonce and Lin-Manuel Miranda, but they don’t really have to sit in an office for 8-11 hours every day doing things that have no relation to what they want to be doing. You have the same number of hours in a day, but the allocation of those hours is incomparable.

My point, though, is not to whine because I got mad at a motivational image on Facebook (I actually didn’t even recently see it, I just got mad after the fact while writing this post. The human mind is a Thing.) – my point was to show up here and write something down for the sake of having done it and because I like doing it. I am thirty-one and can no longer make super meaningful promises about how I want to spend my time because my time is largely not my own. I am married. I have a full-time job. I am trying to buy a house. I have living creatures to take care of and keep alive, including myself.

Adulthood is a menace.

At least my dog is cute.

here she comes

I’ve been a bad blogger this year and I do apologize for not being around and oversharing about every minute of my life with you, especially after I set such lofty goals at the start of the year! I mean, to be fair, I regularly overshare on Twitter, so I am still around, I just haven’t made the effort to be present here which is insane because I love my blog, duh.

I would be more apologetic if I’d been gone for bad or depressing reasons, but mostly I was gone because I was working a whole bunch of hours at a job that I only occasionally hate and planning a wedding that turned out so much better than I could have possibly expected. Those are honestly pretty good reasons to let my internet home languish a bit.

2016 might be better! Let’s find out together!


HEY, GURL, HEEEEEEEEEEY

In the meantime, it’s almost time to talk about stuff I really loved this year. I know, I know, I hardcore dropped the ball on my monthly favorites, but! I still bought/read/watched/listened to enough stuff to have some favorites to throw your way.

To ease both the number of posts I need to write and you have to read, I reduced my categories earlier this year as I was prepping to write a catch-up faves post (first in like… June, then August, then November…) so now we’re down to: Reading, Listening, Watching, and Stuff & Things.

I can’t guarantee a TOTALLY TOP FIVE in all of those categories, mostly because I was atrocious about seeking out new media this year, but I also bought a ton of make-up and skincare that I feel desperate to talk about, so I’m just letting it all ~flow.

And, of course, there’ll be a giveaway at the end! A good one! Because it’s the holidays! And I’m financially stable for the first time in my life!

This is not a post with any actual content! Just a warning that I will likely be more present and you should gird your loins. And that I turn 31 next year so as I attempt to be more present, I’ll probably start talking about, like, orthopedic shoes and other things that old people like. I’m pretty amped about it, to be honest!

To add to the no content of this post, here are other places on the internet where you can follow me where I have varying degrees of activity: Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat: ashrocketship. I sort of understand snapchat! I’m obsessed with watching people’s stories! Let me watch yours!

movie monday: the avengers

Let’s talk about how I’m a crazy, excellent, obsessed fan of stuff, yeah?! And it will also serve as a LONG OVERDUE Movie Monday!

Obviously this is going to be about The Avengers because, duh, are there even any other movies IN theaters right now? SPOILERS! Probably! Because I’ve seen it four times! And I can recite a lot of it! And HAVEN’T YOU SEEN IT BY NOW?!

» more: movie monday: the avengers

scott disick or how i learned to stop bitching and love a kardashian?!

Do you know how hard it is to write about something when you can’t talk about it?

Do you? I mean do you really understand what it’s like to try to put FEELINGS and STUFF into WORDS when you can’t actually talk about the things that are causing the FEELINGS and the STUFF?! Because it sucks. IT SUCKS A LOT. And it turns the thing that you do to feel better (ie: writing) into a thing you never ever want to do because it’s TOO HARD.

(This is why there was no Movie Monday this week. SORRY.)

I am waiting on some things right now. Two pretty big things that are sort of complicated to talk about. Things that I and other people involved aren’t particularly ready to articulate. For good reasons and stuff! But those things are DEEPLY impacting the life I’m leading right now because they’re trapping me and they’re making me unstable and they’re causing all this FLUX.

And because I have anxiety and a variety of other issues, they are REALLY stressing me out. And I’m caving to my anxiety. And I’m keeping terrible hours. And I’m doing all this while trying to freelance (and find freelance) and blog and twitter and tumblr and keep up with my 366 projects and look for a full-time job and not be a terrible girlfriend/daughter/friend/sister/housewife. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but HO BOY. It is.

It is also deeply impacting my ability to be funny/insightful/creative/awesome. And, like, do you understand what that means? It means I’m BORING. It means I feel broken. My humor is SUCH an important part of who I am and what I think of myself and the only laughing I’ve been causing lately has been because I have a tendency to fart at really delightful/inopportune moments. JOKES WHAT ARE JOKES?!

Like, I spent ten minutes with my girlfriend tonight RELIVING DUMB JOKES I TOLD A YEAR AGO because I haven’t said anything funny in MONTHS, it feels like. She would argue otherwise (because she’s a good girlfriend) but she would also be HARD FUCKING PRESSED to remember something hilarious I’ve said recently.

I’m not the kind of person that’s hilarious on my own. Like, I am never going to be a stand-up. I am never going to stand somewhere and just BE FUNNY. I don’t tell jokes. I’m funny when I’m responding to things around me. I’m hilarious in conversation. And the reason it’s not happening is because I haven’t SEEN anyone since basically December 10th.

December 10th! One outing aside, I’ve been devoid of non-girlfriend or familial companionship and I think it’s finally starting to destroy me. I feed off of my friends. And they’re not around for me to feed on! And that’s not all my fault and it’s certainly not all their fault. I mean, I don’t get out of my pajamas. Do you know what that’s like? (No… probably because you’re, like, a functional human being with a job.) It’s gross. And it’s weird. And sometimes the thought of even TRYING to get dressed and leave the house is so daunting it’s embarrassing.

But I’ve gotten comfortable in my pajama cocoon. I feel safe. And neither my parents nor m girlfriend judges me. And so I let it feed itself. And the other day I found myself stretched out in bed, petting a dog, and watching one of those Kardashian shows.

» more: scott disick or how i learned to stop bitching and love a kardashian?!

blogging matters

During the first year of my MFA, when we’d all returned from our month of winter break, the professor who was my favorite at the time asked us if we’d gotten any writing done.

I said, “Yeah, if blogging counts.” It was facetious. Of course blogging counts. Teehee! A joke! I had done lots of blogging! Lots of Twittering and lots of Tumblring and lots of blogging and lots of reading others personal narratives via blog.

He returned, dead seriously, “No. No, it doesn’t.”

And at the time I couldn’t even really respond because that idea flabbergasted me SO MUCH. The idea that, somehow, because the writing was going on the internet by my own hand instead of into a folder on my hard drive to be theoretically published by some authority figure was absolutely FLABBERGASTING. FLABBERGASTING. Do you understand how significant the feeling of flabbergast is? IT IS UNBELIEVABLE.

And I sort of gaped and said nothing. But I got home and RANTED to my poor girlfriend and yelled at him through the miles that divided us. This guy had spent his formative years as a ROCK CRITIC!! And then became a genre writer! IF anybody should understand why playing writing police is bullshit, it should have been him. But instead he was an ass. FUCK YOU, DUDE, FUCK YOU A LOT.

One of my other professors later went on a rant about how “THEY” — this large and unidentified entity that included what seemed liked all media producers — didn’t want you to read or write. They wanted you to “watch movies and buy things and BLOG about it”.

I have literally never heard the word “blog” spit with more venom ever. No one will EVER yell “blog” with that much hate in their throat. I think I got some on me, actually. And it super a lot pissed me off. Like A LOT A LOT. Because you know what? Fuck you. Writing is writing. Writers have different processes and different kinds of writing has different processes but they are all WRITING and fuck you if you’re going to belittle one in order to raise up another.

ALSO, it’s not like book publishing and writing are fucking noble-ass pursuits! PEOPLE WANT YOU TO READ AND TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT TOO SO THAT THEY CAN SELL MORE BOOKS. This is not a complicated idea. People make things and then sell them because they want to make money. If they didn’t, they’d put everything ON THE INTERNET FOR FREE. (People should be paid for their creative products. I am not arguing otherwise at all.)

I blog because I love writing. I love it. I like talking about myself and I like talking about dumb shit and serious shit. I LOVE THE INTERNET. I love the sense of community that comes from blogging. And fuck those guys and anyone else that doesn’t get it.

Anyway, I’m not mad. (LOL I AM REALLY NOT OKAY) But I saw someone having a crisis about whether they should keep blogging the other day because it wasn’t “real writing” and I got super bummed out because there are so many of us who have had to absorb that bullshit from other people and just laugh it off and pretend to be unmoved by our belittling.

Blogging matters, man. It’s instant, constant, and current. It’s often genuine and funny and honest. It fosters community and interaction and idiocy and genius and creativity. It keeps a whole lot of people WRITING. If I didn’t blog, I wouldn’t write nearly as much as I do now, I would’ve missed out on fiction ideas that came from the process of blogging. Blogging is writing and it matters and it’s awesome. THE END.

This isn’t a very thoughtul blog but I believe in it. BLOGGING MATTERS. And stuff. Also, if you have the desire to cry today, DO I HAVE A RECIPE FOR YOU.

crying recipe

Man, just put these sad ladies and their pianos on loop and you will cry and cry. You will be SO SAD. Can’t spell piano without PAIN.