OH LORD. OH DEAR. OH MY. WE HAVE MADE IT. WE HAVE MAAAAADE IT. DAY 31 OF THE 31 DAYS OF FESTIVE-ASS FLICKS [CALENDAR] WAS A CHRISTMAS STORY AND I LOVED IT BECAUSE DUH.
Okay, I won’t keep shouting so that we may both preserve our respective sanities, even though I super love capslock because CAPSLOCK FOREVER.
A Christmas Story is great, so great. And sweet and beautiful and warm and hilarious and kind and nostalgic and GREAT. I’ve talked about this one before here, but I mean. This is a classic. DUH.
Ralphie! Randy! Mom and the Old Man! HOW DOES A PIGGY EAT? Scut Farkus and getting your tongue stuck to a pole and Peter Billingsley’s adorable expressive face!
And that feeling of wishing you could pull the words that just fell out of your mouth back in PHYSICALLY.
And OH FUDGE and the leg lamp and its “soft glow of electric sex” and such a good mom and soap in the mouth and the best siblings that grab your glasses for you while you’re kicking someone’s ass and mom’s putting cold washcloths on your neck/face to calm you down when you’re crying AND AND AND just excellence all around.
My only issues with this are, like, dumb ones? Like, WHY DOES NO ONE KNOW HOW TO HANDLE A BODY PART STUCK TO ICY METAL? Get some warm water and call that shit a day. Or How the mom is, like, WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT TERRIBLE WORD and Ralphie EXPLICITLY thinks, “Well I can’t say DAD…” and she doesn’t get there on her own?! Dood is a MASTER OF SWEARING. And you’re going to buy that your kid learned “fuck” from a FRIEND. ARE YOU HIGH, MELINDA DILLON?! Also, super racist Asian stereotypes at the end, UGH. What was wrong with movies in the 80s?!
Anyway, that last shot of Mom and Dad sitting by the tree and watching the snow. UGH. It kills me. I feel all choked up and it’s so beautiful and simple and. UGH. It’s just a lovely story about a family and their Christmas and being lucky enough to get that one thing you really want that you never thought you’d actually end up with. SO BEAUTIFUL, SO MAGICAL.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKKAH, JOYOUS SOLSTICE, PEACEFUL SATURNALIA, RESPECTFUL KWANZAA, SEASON’S GREETINGS, HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR.
PROJECT OVER. THANKS FOR STICKING WITH ME, GUYS.
Day 30 (THIRTY. 3-0. THIIIIIIIIRTY! IT IS ALMOST OVER! OH ME! OH MY! OH 30!!) of the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was Christmas Vacation which is a classic and one of my favorites and delightful and funny and ridiculous and excellent and heartwarming and slapstick and real, legit, human.
I really love Christmas Vacation because the Griswolds remind me of my family. I already talked a little about it here, but it’s really that simple. These people argue and they yell and they screw up and they have family members they they’re embarrassed of and they do stupid things because they love each other. And it’s really warm and happy and hilarious and ridiculous and excellent.
Clark and Ellen are good parents that love their kids and their family. I love when Audrey is begging her mom to not make her sleep with Rusty and Ellen’s like, “I have to sleep with your father!” and it’s so good and such a real mom thing but funnier because movies have to be funnier than real life. Which is a thing that John Hughes does really, really well. Duh.
I love the Ordeal of the Lights and what it means to Clark to make them work. I LOVE THEM. I love the lights.
I also love the shitty yuppie 80s neighbors and they yuppie 80s LIFE.
LOOK AT THOSE TRACK SUITS! LOOK AT THOSE SHELVES!
Basically, at this point in this project (THIRTY! THIRTY! ONE MORE TO GO!) I have run out of things to say. Christmas Vacation makes me feel EXTREMELY FESTIVE. I was super done with Christmas this year basically the moment is was over, but when I put this on a couple days late I felt warm and fuzzy and festive and joyful again even though it was like three in the morning and I was all alone. It’s a good one and if you don’t love it, I probably don’t have room for you in my life. SORRY.
Also, I love the credits sequence.
Day 29 (29!) of the 31 Days of Festive-ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was The Nightmare Before Christmas which I have seen a lot and thought I loved, but kiiiiiiiind of didn’t/don’t?
Basically, the character designs in this are gorgeous. And inventive and lovely and interesting and awesome. And the music is great because, duh, Danny Elfman scores are always great, if not always brand new or exciting. And the animation is really good and fun to watch. I especially love the way that the Christmas town is rendered.
And all the sweet little Christmas details, like the thistle tree that busts into flames in Sally’s hands.
And I love both the Halloweentown and Christmastown kids are done, especially the Christmas GPOY to end all GPOYS of yours truly.
But, like, ugh. Jack is SO WHINY. OH I AM SO SAD I WANT TO HAVE CHRISTMAS FOR MYSELF IN ADDITION TO MY HALLOWEEN LIFE AND EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE WAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. And Oogie Boogie is a really weak-ass villain, frankly, and he feels super tacked-on to the story as a whole. And all of the weird ownership/creation of Sally stuff feels weird. And even though she’s a pretty decent character and kind of saves shit and is almost awesome, she’s so soft-spoken and traditionally pretty and boring. She just pines for Jack and poisons her creator/owner over and over again for most of the movie. And that’s a massive bummer.
But I still like to watch it for the great songs and the pretty sights and Santa’s excellent exit from Oogie Boogie’s lair at the end.
Day 28 of the 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was The Polar Express.
I had heard SO MANY terrible things about this movie because I guess the animation is pretty bad? But I was more bugged by how the story was hideous? And how it just went on F – O – R – E – V – E – V – E – V – E – R. I don’t even understand how children have EVER sat through this. And then WHAT A TERRIBLE ENDING.
I was so unhappy watching this and waiting for it to be over that I actually abused twitter about it.
That’s not even, like, HALF of my notes. So… GREATEST HITS:
– Love that Josh Groban song. Love “Believe”. Love some Santa nonsense.
– CG is always best used on things that do not exist in the real world currently. Like, dinosaurs and transformers.
– They should have just called this the Tom Hanks Experience: A One Man Show.
– I ain’t gettin’ on no magic train with shouting-ass Tom Hanks dood.
– SMOOTH MOVE, EX-LAX (I do not even know what this was about.)
– Why is this kid the Santa-christ? How has no one given him the “those are Santa’s helpers” speech? WHY DOES HE EXPECT A SANTA IN A WINDOW DISPLAY TO BE REAL?!
– What is even… What. WUT. (I have no idea.)
– TERRIFYING TOYS FROM HELL
– Sinister as fuck skipping record business.
– This Santa show is TOO MUCH. Santa needs to slow his roll.
– WAIT. SLEIGH BELLS?!
– Santa doesn’t start his trip ’til after midnight? HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? That’s some bullshit.
– IF YOU HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY TO THE NORTH POLE AND HAVE SANTA GIVE YOU A GIFT FROM HIS VERY OWN HAND IN ORDER TO BELIEVE IN HIM, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BELIEVE IN SANTA.
So yeah, suffice it to say that I did not enjoy this one. But I still love that Josh Groban song.
Day 27 of 31 Days of Festive-Ass Flicks [CALENDAR] was Die Hard which I had NEVER BEFORE SEEN! Shock! Gasp! Horror!
I didn’t want to watch Die Hard. Not at all. I had gone almost 27 years without ever watching it and I was pretty okay with going the rest of my life without it. But my girlfriend was like, “Dude, it’s good” and “Dude, it’s a holiday tradition” and “Dude, ALAN RICKMAN.” And so finally I caved, like I do to most things, so she would shuuuuuut up about it already.
And we watched it! And there was lots of explosions! And it was pretty funny! And Alan Rickman is so hot and so great. And Bruce Willis was SUCH a babe. And it was good! And I will probably watch it again. So I am glad I finally gave in!
I don’t have a lot of notes because, uhhhhhhh, to be honest I spent a lot of it staring at the new Facebook timeline and deleting awkward vague status updates from 2k5 and 2k6. BAD JUJU. And also responding to really old comments to mock the people that originally left them. THAT WAS FUN. So:
– LISTEN TO REGINALD VELJOHNSON, PAUL GLEASON
– Dude, this is an enormous waste of bullets and glass.
– This is the LONGEST “Tell ’em this if I die” message in HISTORY. Like, Bruce Willis, can you write that down on a scrap of paper and send it down as a paper airplane?! Reginald VelJohnson can’t remember all this shit. HE IS NOT A COURT REPORTER, SHUT UP ALREADY.
– John McClane can outrun ANY BULLET.
– ARGYLE IS THE BEST FOREVER ILU ARGYLE ILUSVM
– HUGGING! MANLY HEARTFELT HUGGING!
And that’s it. Also, Mrs. McClane’s real last name is Bedelia. I can’t get over that shit. STILL.